AH husband being sick
 

AH recently had back surgery and has been out of work for almost 2 months. It will be another 4 -6 months before he can be released to go back to work. Before he had his surgery I found a ton of empty whiskey bottles stashed under the bed. I did not say anything to him about it as I found these 3 days before his surgery.

The surgery was 2 weeks ago and I am now worried about him abusing his pain medication. We got in a fight over his pain killer use on Friday (as in he had taken 35 pills in 48 hours) and he claims that he did not take them all (but yet cannot produce the pills). I told him I was going to call the doctor and tell him what is going on (he does have a history of pain prescription abuse in the past). (is this a codie thing or should I mind my own business?) This of course lead me to bring up finding the bottles. I told him I really was tired of the constant lying and I could not trust a word that came out of his mouth (all this time he has allowed he has been drinking beer only) and that if he could not tell the truth then to not speak to me at all. I also let him know that I was not living my life living with someone that was not honest and that I could not trust and I had just about reached my breaking point. His only response in this that " I am really selfish".

And for some strange reason I feel guilty in all of this like I should not brought it up because he is sick. I honestly have no idea how I am going to make it through the next few months. It is not like we can seperate now as he cannot work to support himself but I really cannot take another one of his lies. We have not spoken much since that conversation but why do I feel like I am the bad guy here?? I am trying to not focus on this but I am really struggling. Was I wrong to bring up the finding the bottles?

My STBX had an accident involving a very serious break requiring then surgery to fix and 2 additional surgeries. This took about a year. The initial surgery was clearly extremely painful and required pain meds. I was terribly worried about it and experienced the same thing you describe.

He milked the pain meds as long as the surgeon let him, took way too many and pulled the "this one doesn't work for me" so he could get additional prescriptions.

He even asked me to dole out his doses for the day because several times he had to go cold turkey for a few days until he could refill. But then he starting drinking too and searching everywhere for the meds so I gave up and let him do what he wanted.

When the pain meds were cut off he went full throttle on the alcohol.

mum

My situation in some ways the same, and some ways different!

The question you ask "Should I feel guilty" hell no!

No guilt for you!

He is going to do what he will. Prepare yourself and stay on your side of the street as much as possible.

Hi Mum, unless he is treated successfully I think you'd better assume he's going to lie concerning his consumption of you name it.
What if he does take all his tablets in 2 days? Is he physically capable of getting more, or will he have to suffer through withdrawal?
If he doesn't have enough money to buy more pills, either on prescription or elsewhere, please be careful about your money, or anything else he might steal in desperation.

You are certainly not the bad guy here, and to pretend that the bottles didn't exist would simply be enabling his alcohol use - I'm assuming you found them by accident, and not because you went looking for them (which IS codie!). You can, with confidence, boot all that guilt out of the window.

A sense of responsibility for him, and the resulting guilt, has kept you chained to this loser so far, and will continue to do so for as long as you let it. Addicts and alcoholics typically latch on to very conscientious, giving, guilt-ridden people because they are very easy to manipulate.

When you say "I also let him know that I was not living my life living with someone that was not honest and that I could not trust and I had just about reached my breaking point", yet continue to do so, you are unintentionally giving the message that his behaviour's OK. He will be looking at what you actually DO, rather than what you say. On the subject of trust, the one thing you can reliably trust an addict/alcoholic to do is use, or drink. Anything beyond that is unrealistic, and is setting yourself up for a merry-go-round of raised hopes then bitter disappointment.

I do not know how I'd handle your situation. I might just think what he would do if, say, I was injured, killed or incapacitated tomorrow - would he find a way of coping?