Why wont people believe me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Why wont people believe me?
Having sent my summery/statement of my relationship with my ex alcoholic/narcissistic/husband to my lawyer I've just been told by him that my case of abuse is by far the worst he has ever seen.. And that my ex is incredibly dangerous. That I need police protection and my son should be protected from him and never see him again. He's confirmed to me the hell I've been living that no one else has seen. I feel validated finally but only by one person. What I am struggling with now is having people question me, and not believing me,that I am just as much to blame as he is..! I hate this.. No one has seen or understood what I've been through.. My own family don't even believe the level of abuse I've suffered.. Everyone says I'm I have no right to not let him see his son... I am
Going crazy!!! This makes it so hard for me to feel sane. I'm on my own taking down a giant, it's awful.
Going crazy!!! This makes it so hard for me to feel sane. I'm on my own taking down a giant, it's awful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Ki, I believe you. My family didn't believe me either. I remember going to my lawyer for a divorce, and when I told her, she had tears in her eyes. Just like I do for you.
I had moved in with friends of mine, I didn't even tell them half the stuff I went through, they told me they believed me, because no one could make this sh!t up.
Again, I believe you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
I had moved in with friends of mine, I didn't even tell them half the stuff I went through, they told me they believed me, because no one could make this sh!t up.
Again, I believe you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
killerinstinct---I believe you. Absolutely believe you.
I can imagine how hurt you feel when others minimize what you have experienced.
I think some people only hear what they WANT to hear. For them--it may trigger emotions that they don't want to cope with...or frighten them in some way. There is also a lot of ignorance by the general public about domestic abuse.
I get it, though, that this is of small consolation for you when you are needing validation and people to believe you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad that you are having contact, now, with those who do believe you.
There are so many here who not only believe you---but understand how you feel!
dandylion
I can imagine how hurt you feel when others minimize what you have experienced.
I think some people only hear what they WANT to hear. For them--it may trigger emotions that they don't want to cope with...or frighten them in some way. There is also a lot of ignorance by the general public about domestic abuse.
I get it, though, that this is of small consolation for you when you are needing validation and people to believe you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad that you are having contact, now, with those who do believe you.
There are so many here who not only believe you---but understand how you feel!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Sorry you are in this position. I find most people in my family have a hard time understanding and accepting. Maybe they are trying to protect themselves? No matter, it's hard and painful to need to defend and explain yourself after so much. Dandylion is right, we believe you and yes i imagine quite a few of us here understand in ways your family can not. Sending you hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been dealing with this myself and it is awful wanting so much for your own family to stand behind you and give you support.
When my A started heading for the last relapse I let people listen in (had my Bluetooth on and cell phone in my pocket), took photos, hooked up a video camera and recorded him and recorded his bs on a recorder if someone wasn't on the phone with me. I have emails, notes so much to prove how awful he is, but in spite of all that evidence I still have some family that do not get it. (or don't want to?)
I have come to the conclusion that just because they are blood does not mean they are my family. I am having to distance myself from them because dealing with ending everything with the A is hard enough and I don't need people around me that cause me more pain.
Hugs to you KI, I understand and I believe you.
When my A started heading for the last relapse I let people listen in (had my Bluetooth on and cell phone in my pocket), took photos, hooked up a video camera and recorded him and recorded his bs on a recorder if someone wasn't on the phone with me. I have emails, notes so much to prove how awful he is, but in spite of all that evidence I still have some family that do not get it. (or don't want to?)
I have come to the conclusion that just because they are blood does not mean they are my family. I am having to distance myself from them because dealing with ending everything with the A is hard enough and I don't need people around me that cause me more pain.
Hugs to you KI, I understand and I believe you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 109
I believe you.
My own father said to me - of my relationship with my exbf - "Do you think maybe you're creating a problem where there isn't one?"
They don't see, feel, or hear what we do - whether it be physical, emotional or mental - regardless of how subtle or bold.
My own father said to me - of my relationship with my exbf - "Do you think maybe you're creating a problem where there isn't one?"
They don't see, feel, or hear what we do - whether it be physical, emotional or mental - regardless of how subtle or bold.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I believe you too. I understand how it feels when others don't or just can't get it. I recently had a family member tell me how "bad we were for each other." I don't know, I think we did the Codie/addict dance fairly well until I refused to keep dancing.
I am glad that I finally grasped the concept of not caring what others think of me but sometimes I just wish I could tape their mouths too. It would certainly make things easier at times.
I am glad that I finally grasped the concept of not caring what others think of me but sometimes I just wish I could tape their mouths too. It would certainly make things easier at times.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by killerinstinct 
What I am struggling with now is having people question me, and not believing me,that I am just as much to blame as he is..! I hate this.. No one has seen or understood what I've been through...
Like honestly it is no wonder some women can't get out. And they are actually in more danger when they do try to leave or actually do leave.
There needs to be more resources and more education on this issue. There still isn't enough and in this day and age there should be.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If anyone should be supportive it is family and friends. Shame on them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I believe you as well and I understand. My mother is a narcissist and many do not see the emotional abuse she created over the years. They just think I am an evil disrespectful child. I am not. I am looking after me just as you are doing what is best for you and your child.
I felt like you that I never had validation. I questioned myself for decades even though my heart, mind and gut told me something else.
Do not doubt yourself and do not let the thoughts and opinions of others matter. You know and that is all that is important. Your life and your feelings matter.
I felt like you that I never had validation. I questioned myself for decades even though my heart, mind and gut told me something else.
Do not doubt yourself and do not let the thoughts and opinions of others matter. You know and that is all that is important. Your life and your feelings matter.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I believe you.
My mother is a narcissist. The mind games, lies, and passive agressiveness, leave you pinning.
My first boyfriend was abusive. But, he was so cute and I waas sooooo lucky to have him. In the end I was asking permission to go out with friends, called before I got dressed for the day so I wore exactly what he wanted. I really believed that he was the only one who could "take care of me".
But, you are stronger than you believe. You do deserve love, respect, and safety.
I believe you and you arent alone
My mother is a narcissist. The mind games, lies, and passive agressiveness, leave you pinning.
My first boyfriend was abusive. But, he was so cute and I waas sooooo lucky to have him. In the end I was asking permission to go out with friends, called before I got dressed for the day so I wore exactly what he wanted. I really believed that he was the only one who could "take care of me".
But, you are stronger than you believe. You do deserve love, respect, and safety.
I believe you and you arent alone
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey i believe you 100%. You are doing the best by your child, dont let anyone else muddy those waters.
People want to see the best in others and abuse is the worst. Its pure denial, only they can deal with that.
Tight Hugs!
People want to see the best in others and abuse is the worst. Its pure denial, only they can deal with that.
Tight Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I believe you 100%.
I think for people who have not lived with abuse or addiction they don't believe it because they say "A person would not stay if the situation were that bad".
You'll just have to excuse their ignorance and be happy why it is they can't fathom it.
I am sorry you have endured more pain due to being questioned and very happy to read you have an attorney is supports you.
I think for people who have not lived with abuse or addiction they don't believe it because they say "A person would not stay if the situation were that bad".
You'll just have to excuse their ignorance and be happy why it is they can't fathom it.
I am sorry you have endured more pain due to being questioned and very happy to read you have an attorney is supports you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I believe you. I am sorry you are going through this.
I think a lot of times people don't want to believe that a person they know can have such an evil side.
My mom struggled because my dad was so abusive, and when she left him she lost a lot of friends. But you know what? Shes not being thrown down stairs anymore. I didn't grow up watching my dad manufacture drugs in the garage.
Sometimes, all you need is that one person to believe.
I think a lot of times people don't want to believe that a person they know can have such an evil side.
My mom struggled because my dad was so abusive, and when she left him she lost a lot of friends. But you know what? Shes not being thrown down stairs anymore. I didn't grow up watching my dad manufacture drugs in the garage.
Sometimes, all you need is that one person to believe.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Blossom717
I believe you. I am sorry you are going through this.
I think a lot of times people don't want to believe that a person they know can have such an evil side.
My mom struggled because my dad was so abusive, and when she left him she lost a lot of friends. But you know what? Shes not being thrown down stairs anymore. I didn't grow up watching my dad manufacture drugs in the garage.
Sometimes, all you need is that one person to believe.
I think a lot of times people don't want to believe that a person they know can have such an evil side.
My mom struggled because my dad was so abusive, and when she left him she lost a lot of friends. But you know what? Shes not being thrown down stairs anymore. I didn't grow up watching my dad manufacture drugs in the garage.
Sometimes, all you need is that one person to believe.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I believe you.
When I was in the last rounds of my custody trial, my attorney sat me down in an arm chair, placed himself opposite me on the couch, told me to look him in the eye, and said: "YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND that this man's behavior is NOT normal. A sane person does NOT write text messages and e-mails like this to the mother of his children. YOU have gotten so numb to it that you may not feel how wrong it is, but you have to trust me. I see it. The judge will see it. Anyone who read these e-mails would know that they are dealing with an insane, dangerous, psychopathic person. He's also an alcoholic, but that's neither here nor there right now. You don't need to feel it or understand it, but you have to trust that YOUR judgment when it comes to this person is NOT SOLID. You need to trust those people around you who can see him for what he is, see his very sick behavior for what it is."
And I'll pass that along to you. From the outside, nobody could see the dysfunction. From the inside, it was hell. If your attorney says your ex is a danger to you -- TRUST HIM. Please.
When I was in the last rounds of my custody trial, my attorney sat me down in an arm chair, placed himself opposite me on the couch, told me to look him in the eye, and said: "YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND that this man's behavior is NOT normal. A sane person does NOT write text messages and e-mails like this to the mother of his children. YOU have gotten so numb to it that you may not feel how wrong it is, but you have to trust me. I see it. The judge will see it. Anyone who read these e-mails would know that they are dealing with an insane, dangerous, psychopathic person. He's also an alcoholic, but that's neither here nor there right now. You don't need to feel it or understand it, but you have to trust that YOUR judgment when it comes to this person is NOT SOLID. You need to trust those people around you who can see him for what he is, see his very sick behavior for what it is."
And I'll pass that along to you. From the outside, nobody could see the dysfunction. From the inside, it was hell. If your attorney says your ex is a danger to you -- TRUST HIM. Please.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Killerinstinct......one day, when you are standing firmly on your feet, again.....and YES, that time is going to come!!....you could do something to help others who are victimized.
It could be anything...big or small. But, I believe that it would go a long way toward your own spiritual healing and neutralize the bitterness of the injustice of it all.
You will get past this....just as so many others have, before you.
dandylion
It could be anything...big or small. But, I believe that it would go a long way toward your own spiritual healing and neutralize the bitterness of the injustice of it all.
You will get past this....just as so many others have, before you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
I agree that our A's loved ones develop selective deaf/blindness when it comes to the bad behavior. Our family heard the things he said, but excused it away by "aww, he doesn't mean it, he's just drunk". They saw the bruises on my shins and forearms and around my neck but couldn't fully accept that he put them there. They said "you've had worse" as if that made it all better. It is soul-killing to believe those who are supposed to love us dismiss our suffering, or somehow value it less than another's. I understand that it makes it easier for them to deal with the A, but it is still deeply unsatisfying and hurtful to the other people they have to marginalize to do it.
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