Why Can't I just walk away? I want to! Why can't I?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Why Can't I just walk away? I want to! Why can't I?
I can’t seem to figure out what is making it so hard for me to make that final leap in my head.
I’m still living with ABF, who has not had a drink in supposedly 4 weeks now. He is still smoking pot constantly. We took our DD to an amusement park Saturday and on our way there he had to make a stop to his dealer’s house to pick up some pot. Who has to get stoned to enjoy an amusement park with their family?
I know in my hearts of all hearts that this is not the kind of relationship I want. Actively drinking or not, its like a game. Its either one of us making the other one feel guilty so we can get our way. Its not healthy.
Its as if hes still drinking daily. I still have to tip toe from 6-9 in the morning on weekends because he is on the sofa asleep. He still can’t take care of his own chores.
I’m still struggling. I can’t bring myself to be attracted to him physically.
I feel like I am constantly weighing the “Shoulds and Shouldn’ts” of leaving. I guess I’m still clinging on that hope that he will magically turn into the person I need/want. I have my good days but today is one of those days where I am questioning every breath and blink I make.
I’m still living with ABF, who has not had a drink in supposedly 4 weeks now. He is still smoking pot constantly. We took our DD to an amusement park Saturday and on our way there he had to make a stop to his dealer’s house to pick up some pot. Who has to get stoned to enjoy an amusement park with their family?
I know in my hearts of all hearts that this is not the kind of relationship I want. Actively drinking or not, its like a game. Its either one of us making the other one feel guilty so we can get our way. Its not healthy.
Its as if hes still drinking daily. I still have to tip toe from 6-9 in the morning on weekends because he is on the sofa asleep. He still can’t take care of his own chores.
I’m still struggling. I can’t bring myself to be attracted to him physically.
I feel like I am constantly weighing the “Shoulds and Shouldn’ts” of leaving. I guess I’m still clinging on that hope that he will magically turn into the person I need/want. I have my good days but today is one of those days where I am questioning every breath and blink I make.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's important to look at the future. How will you tell Little Blossom you need to stop so daddy can pick up some pot??
My friend, you can only come to these decisions yourself. However, think out the possible future and ask yourself if this is what you want?? Remember, it's nothing you have to do overnight. This is not a marathon, it's your life.
Hugs!!!
My friend, you can only come to these decisions yourself. However, think out the possible future and ask yourself if this is what you want?? Remember, it's nothing you have to do overnight. This is not a marathon, it's your life.
Hugs!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sometimes the known quantity, even if it is miserable, is a lot less scary than the unknown one. Only you can decide if you want to look to your future from a place of fear, or from a place of hope and determination to make a better life for you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Sometimes even as bad as it gets, we are just not ready and that’s okay. Our minds tell us to run but our hearts hold us back.
Even if you make a decision it does not have to be handled that day. In making a major change all angles should be looked at first. Regret is hard to live with and you don’t want to run and then have to think back later that you didn’t do this or that. You had not thought about this or that. Take the time you need, you deserve it. You deserve to give yourself the space and time you need. You do not have to justify it, even to yourself.
We are here to support, not judge.
Think it through. If you have nothing to lose by waiting a little longer to let your heart accept and catch up to your mind, then so be it. There is no time table that must be followed. Sometimes we need time to get a little stronger and you are allowed that time if you need it.
Even if you make a decision it does not have to be handled that day. In making a major change all angles should be looked at first. Regret is hard to live with and you don’t want to run and then have to think back later that you didn’t do this or that. You had not thought about this or that. Take the time you need, you deserve it. You deserve to give yourself the space and time you need. You do not have to justify it, even to yourself.
We are here to support, not judge.
Think it through. If you have nothing to lose by waiting a little longer to let your heart accept and catch up to your mind, then so be it. There is no time table that must be followed. Sometimes we need time to get a little stronger and you are allowed that time if you need it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Many of us struggled with leaving. I constantly agonized over it at times. But the most important thing for me was to keep working on me during this time. As I got stronger (self esteem, confidence, self respect...etc) it became a no brainier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
He will not turn into anything you want, just like my husband will not turn into the person I dream of. These are imaginary characters in our heads, an ideal image of our partners. But that is not reality, and they cannot turn into something imaginary, even if they wanted to.
Last week, I suggested my AH to have a meal together. The week before was rough and I though we could just relax and spend 30 minutes without drama. He agreed and sounded genuinely happy. BUT, it did not work. He got drunk while I was in the shower (15 min max). And I had the same thought: who has to get drunk to have a meal with his wife? Is it having a meal with me THAT bad? The point is, there was no pressure! He could have said no! But that is addiction. It is better not to look for answers.
My AH stopped drinking on Thursday. He said he wanted me off his a**, so he stopped. He was not sneaking anything in, and I admire his decision. But I am indifferent . . . or at least trying to be because I am scared of the sober him . . . scared of this unknown person that is emerging, that I yet have to meet. And maybe love. And maybe not.
Last week, I suggested my AH to have a meal together. The week before was rough and I though we could just relax and spend 30 minutes without drama. He agreed and sounded genuinely happy. BUT, it did not work. He got drunk while I was in the shower (15 min max). And I had the same thought: who has to get drunk to have a meal with his wife? Is it having a meal with me THAT bad? The point is, there was no pressure! He could have said no! But that is addiction. It is better not to look for answers.
My AH stopped drinking on Thursday. He said he wanted me off his a**, so he stopped. He was not sneaking anything in, and I admire his decision. But I am indifferent . . . or at least trying to be because I am scared of the sober him . . . scared of this unknown person that is emerging, that I yet have to meet. And maybe love. And maybe not.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
One of the biggest concerns I have is not that he needed drugs to have fun at an amusement park but he took your daughter to his dealers house. Who does that he not only has no regard for you but is not concerned for the safety and welfare of your daughter!! I don't mean to be harsh with what I said but both you and your daughter deserve so much better. He may not be drinking but he has replaced one addiction with another.
Please focus on you and what type of life you want for you and your daughter. When my AH left I wrote a list, what was good about our marriage and what wasn't good, I also wrote another one what I wanted for my life and what I didn't want. Both these lists helped me.
What ever you decide to do we are here to support you. Big hugs
Please focus on you and what type of life you want for you and your daughter. When my AH left I wrote a list, what was good about our marriage and what wasn't good, I also wrote another one what I wanted for my life and what I didn't want. Both these lists helped me.
What ever you decide to do we are here to support you. Big hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Blossom, I just read your recent post in the "What is Recovery" section of the forum, in which you ask if your ABF is "sober", since he's not drinking alcohol but is using pot/hash almost constantly. I suspect you knew the answer even before you posted but were hoping that maybe you'd hear something different. (And who among us hasn't done this--I surely have!)
Someone posted here a while ago that sometimes we think we have a problem we can't solve, when in reality, we just don't like the solution. Those are hard words to hear, but they really hit home for me at that time.
You've gotten some good advice here. I wish you the clarity to see your path and the strength to walk it.
Someone posted here a while ago that sometimes we think we have a problem we can't solve, when in reality, we just don't like the solution. Those are hard words to hear, but they really hit home for me at that time.
You've gotten some good advice here. I wish you the clarity to see your path and the strength to walk it.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
As he is today, what are the good traits?
Trust me you will not second guess your self for one millisecond if you do go.
Would you have gone to the amusement park with him if he stopped to grab 12 pack on the way?
Why any different with the weed?
Trust me you will not second guess your self for one millisecond if you do go.
Would you have gone to the amusement park with him if he stopped to grab 12 pack on the way?
Why any different with the weed?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
You mention who stops to get pot on the way to an amusement park? An addict that's who! Their entire world revolves around their susbtance of choice.
That same scenario reminded me of last Christmas break when we took our kids to an amusement park to enjoy the holiday celebration. Somehow STBXAH was hiding alcohol and drinking it on the way because by the time we got from our car to the tram into the park, he was wasted..slurring words, stumbling, acting falling down drunk in front of the kids and I remember thinking who does this to take your kids to an amusement park.....the answer an addict. I was so disgusted, I ended up leaving him to do his own thing and me and the kids had a nice time by ourselves.
For me that was just more confirmation that this was not the life I want. The kids are watching and learning. That behavior is not who I want them to be. I am sure you don't want your DD stopping for pot while she enjoys a night out with her friends when she is older. Remember she is watching and learning and taking it all in.
It took me about a year to make that final leap. It takes alot of strength and soul searching. It sounds like you know in your heart what is the best decision for you, you just have to follow through.
That same scenario reminded me of last Christmas break when we took our kids to an amusement park to enjoy the holiday celebration. Somehow STBXAH was hiding alcohol and drinking it on the way because by the time we got from our car to the tram into the park, he was wasted..slurring words, stumbling, acting falling down drunk in front of the kids and I remember thinking who does this to take your kids to an amusement park.....the answer an addict. I was so disgusted, I ended up leaving him to do his own thing and me and the kids had a nice time by ourselves.
For me that was just more confirmation that this was not the life I want. The kids are watching and learning. That behavior is not who I want them to be. I am sure you don't want your DD stopping for pot while she enjoys a night out with her friends when she is older. Remember she is watching and learning and taking it all in.
It took me about a year to make that final leap. It takes alot of strength and soul searching. It sounds like you know in your heart what is the best decision for you, you just have to follow through.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Southwest
Posts: 83
You have received some great advice. The post honeypig referred to I believe is in my thread the immaturity is astounding. It has stuck with me ever since I read it. Make no mistake, I haven't left yet either. It is easy on here, and I mean absolutely no disrespect, I look at other people's posts and find it easier to recommend they leave their relationships especially when kids are involved. Yet I have put up with more than I ever thought I would and even reading over my own posts, wonder why I haven't left yet. For me, I have to be able to feel I gave it my all before I give up on my marriage. I am coming along with my head and heart matching ideas, but it is a different realization for each of us. For me, he is being sickly sweet right now, which ironically is annoying to me because I know it is a matter of time before the other shoe drops and we are back to the unacceptable. Take the time you need and take baby steps how ever you need to for you are your DD to leave when you are ready. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Dandylion - I don't have any fears for myself really. I guess my top 3 would be...
1. him getting off the wagon when I leave and getting blamed for it.
2. ABF getting extensive custody rights to DD
3. .....i guess thats it.
Huh. Thanks Dandylion
1. him getting off the wagon when I leave and getting blamed for it.
2. ABF getting extensive custody rights to DD
3. .....i guess thats it.
Huh. Thanks Dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Originally Posted by Combakkid 
For me, he is being sickly sweet right now, which ironically is annoying to me because I know it is a matter of time before the other shoe drops and we are back to the unacceptable. Take the time you need and take baby steps how ever you need to for you are your DD to leave when you are ready. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for shoes to drop!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Blossom717
Dandylion - I don't have any fears for myself really. I guess my top 3 would be...
1. him getting off the wagon when I leave and getting blamed for it.
2. ABF getting extensive custody rights to DD
3. .....i guess thats it.
Huh. Thanks Dandylion
1. him getting off the wagon when I leave and getting blamed for it.
2. ABF getting extensive custody rights to DD
3. .....i guess thats it.
Huh. Thanks Dandylion
2. You aren't married - and it's up to the courts to decide custody arrangements in either case..... are you keeping well documented examples of why she is better off in your care? Is it likely that he would even pursue this legally for custody? That's a long battle for him, do you really think he'd put the effort into it?
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Originally Posted by FireSprite
1. You could STAY & him start drinking & still be blamed for it anyway. (this is not just possible, but likely, IMO)
2. You aren't married - and it's up to the courts to decide custody arrangements in either case..... are you keeping well documented examples of why she is better off in your care? Is it likely that he would even pursue this legally for custody? That's a long battle for him, do you really think he'd put the effort into it?
(((hugs)))
2. You aren't married - and it's up to the courts to decide custody arrangements in either case..... are you keeping well documented examples of why she is better off in your care? Is it likely that he would even pursue this legally for custody? That's a long battle for him, do you really think he'd put the effort into it?
(((hugs)))
I have documented some things, I have recordings of him while drinking and I have some recent timelines regarding his "activities". He has also been in the hospital 2x for pancreatitis within the past 6 months, one of them I know for sure was documented as being caused by alcoholism. So I think I'd be okay. But you just never know!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Southwest
Posts: 83
With my AH, I know it will only be a week or two at most before I am the subject of another one of his ragers while drinking. At that point, I plan on recording the conversation and walking away. I am hoping it will be the last piece of the puzzle I may need when it comes time to talk about custody.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
For me it's so hard to leave because I love him and keep hoping he will change. I do also understand the fear as well. Day to day I'm asking my self stay or go?! It's difficult living with an active addict. I've been hearing the let go or be dragged a lot and by god I've been dragged for 11 yrs which hasn't been working for me so I've got to let go for my own emotional well being.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
We find it difficult/impossible to leave addicted partners for the same reason that they can't just dump their drug of choice - addiction.
They are looking for something outside of themselves as the source of good feelings in their life - despite all evidence to the contrary - and so do codependents. It's just that they get hooked on a substance, and we get hooked on a person; whilst largely ignoring the detrimental effects their behaviour is having on us and the rest of the family.
I found something shifted on a very fundamental level after working with CoDA for a couple of years; I found I was able to leave an intense but emotionally abusive relationship without looking back, something that would have been unthinkable when I was younger. That was before I started attending Alanon meetings - and I think that, as a result of my work in Alanon, I'd spot the warning signs much sooner and not get embroiled in the first place. At least that's been my experience. I think the healing needs to take place on a much deeper level, almost without me being aware of it.
Otherwise, just weighing up the pros and cons and deciding rationally that we need to leave an unhealthy relationship will not work in the long term; we'll either go back, or find another equally unhealthy one. Knowledge and information alone don't work where addiction's present; if it did there would be no such thing as addiction.
They are looking for something outside of themselves as the source of good feelings in their life - despite all evidence to the contrary - and so do codependents. It's just that they get hooked on a substance, and we get hooked on a person; whilst largely ignoring the detrimental effects their behaviour is having on us and the rest of the family.
I found something shifted on a very fundamental level after working with CoDA for a couple of years; I found I was able to leave an intense but emotionally abusive relationship without looking back, something that would have been unthinkable when I was younger. That was before I started attending Alanon meetings - and I think that, as a result of my work in Alanon, I'd spot the warning signs much sooner and not get embroiled in the first place. At least that's been my experience. I think the healing needs to take place on a much deeper level, almost without me being aware of it.
Otherwise, just weighing up the pros and cons and deciding rationally that we need to leave an unhealthy relationship will not work in the long term; we'll either go back, or find another equally unhealthy one. Knowledge and information alone don't work where addiction's present; if it did there would be no such thing as addiction.
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