Need a healthy dose of reality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 31
Need a healthy dose of reality
Where to even begin....I need a dose of reality and honesty. My life is a disastrous mess right now. My husband has left and won't speak to me and it has devastated me. He is a recovering alcoholic and in all honesty, he is working hard to change his life and maintain sobriety. Everyone who knows me, outside of my family, thinks that I am a high functioning person, but the reality is that I am bat **** crazy inside. I am a codie and I know that I am a codie. I struggle every day with trying to overcome my codie tendencies when it comes to my husband. Now, I am afraid that I have destroyed any chance of getting things back on track and saving my marriage.
When I met my husband I was in a relationship that had lasted for 10 years. My partner was abusive, physically and mentally, and extremely controlling. I had tried to leave several times, but I was weak and scared and would end up being manipulated into staying. I have a son from this relationship who was 2 when I met my husband. My mom knew him and gave him my number, thinking that we could be friends and that it might help me break out of the bad relationship I had trapped myself in. He was on parole and not long out of prison, one of several visits, for alcohol related charges. He called me one night and I could tell that he had been drinking, but we talked for hours. Not long after, we went out for a day and spent hours talking again. I knew that he had problems with substance use. The first day I met him in person he passed out in my parents bathroom because of mixing alcohol and muscle relaxers. Everyone who knew me warned me, but I dove in. My current partner was afraid of him and I saw it as my way out. In time, I fell in love with him wholeheartedly. The beginning of the relationship was rough because my ex partner refused to leave. He continued to manipulate and I dealt with things terrible. I found out I was pregnant with my husbands child and about the same time, my husband left. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that if I didn't get away from my ex that he never would. I moved out and the ex followed, sleeping outside of my new place and following me to work. I tried everything I could to get my husband to believe that I didn't want the ex there and get him to come back. After months, he began talking to me again. One night, he called me drunk and asked me to stop after work. He could barely stand up and ended up passing out in the road. It was a mess. I left and later that night he called again and begged me to come and get him. I did. He asked to move in with me and we started talking about fixing things. Within a week there was a fight. He showed up at my work with dinner and he had been drinking. Something I said upset him and all I can remember is him going on and on about me being unappreciative. I didn't want him to get in trouble for running around town drunk, so I called his dad to pick him up and told him I would get him after work. I didn't hear from him again until the next day. When I did, he was on a greyhound to spend the weekend with the woman he had been seeing since he initially left me, ticket and hotel room paid for by his father. This was a woman from his past who had tried to contact him while he was still living with me. His parents pushed for him to go to her and went as far as sending her number to him signature on delivery. I was shocked and heartbroken. He spent two days in a hotel with her. I begged him to come home, that I would forget everything and we would start fresh. He did, but my trust was gone. Through conversations, I found out that he had been planning a new life with her, telling her how much he loved her. I asked him to call her and tell her it was over in front of me and he refused. He refused to hurt her. I worried constantly from then on that he was seeing someone. I panicked every time that he left the house wondering if I would see him again or if he was headed to another woman. The marriage was hell for both of us from then on. Our son was born and things continued to get worse. When our son was 3 months old, my husband left again. This time, we maintained contact for a few months, but he was constantly drunk and with his drinking came anger and violence. I made things worse by being an emotional wreck and constantly questioning whether he was cheating. To add to everything else, when our son was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again. He didn't want me to have the baby. I refused to abort. Our fighting became worse and worse and eventually, he stopped speaking to me and refused to see me. Then one night I missed a call from him and the voicemail that was left on my phone changed everything. It was a conversation that was picked up when he hadn't hung up the phone. It was 10 minutes of my husband, drunk, and his dad. His dad was convincing him that I was out to get him and if he didn't do something about me first, then he would end up back in jail. Later that night an officer called to warn me that my husband had been picked up drunk, close to my house and told the officer he was headed to me. He was taken home and I was warned to be careful. After that, he filed for divorce and I filed a protective order. There was no contact for almost a year. I gave birth to our son alone. He moved on and moved another woman into his house. I spent the entire time feeling like I couldn't breathe and missing him so much that it hurt. Around Christmas, he called and asked if he could see our kids. I agreed and we planned a night for him to come. He came and was sober. Being close to him again took away the pain I had felt for the past year. I wanted nothing more than for him to stay. He did. He also continued drinking and the fighting started right back up. One night he showed up drunk and after being asked to leave and refusing, I called the police so that the kids didn't see the fighting. He was arrested. Again, we gave it a go when he was bailed out. Again, the fighting continued. Now 7 months later, he is gone again.
Throughout our marriage we have both put each other through hell. At this point though, I can say that a large part of our issues are because of me. I have panic attacks daily. I want so badly to trust him, but I cant. I pick fights and push him away. I constantly question him and whether he is being honest and faithful. He packs a bag and walks out on a weekly basis and every time he does, my mind flashes to that greyhound and I panic. I chase him and beg and yell. I don't want to go through this anymore. I just want my husband. I want him to love me and want me back. I don't feel like he ever has or ever will.
During the year that we were apart I saw a therapist and I worked hard on me. Life was completely different. It was peaceful and calm and I loved it, even though I was heartbroken and missed the man I loved. I was diagnosed with PTSD and general anxiety disorder. I thought that I had made a change in me, but when he came back, so did the old me. I know that I am a codie. I am not typical in that I do great alone. I don't long for someone just so that I am not alone and I do not derive my self esteem from a man. Quite the opposite. I thrive alone and my self esteem is high when alone.
I know this was long and thank you if you have made it this far. Right now, my husband is living with his dad. He won't speak to me. He is supposed to watch our kids while I work, since he doesn't work. I know that this is best for the kids because he is good with them and to them. He has worked so hard to stay sober. I just want the chance to start over and fix things, but I don't think he has any desire to be married to me. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I found a new dating site profile that he made the day after he left and it is driving me crazy. All I can think about is who he is with, who is touching him, who he is saying I love you to. I have been in a constant state of panic since he left and I feel like dying. I know that we can't continue like we were. Our kids can never see the fighting again. I know I should let go. I don't know how.
When I met my husband I was in a relationship that had lasted for 10 years. My partner was abusive, physically and mentally, and extremely controlling. I had tried to leave several times, but I was weak and scared and would end up being manipulated into staying. I have a son from this relationship who was 2 when I met my husband. My mom knew him and gave him my number, thinking that we could be friends and that it might help me break out of the bad relationship I had trapped myself in. He was on parole and not long out of prison, one of several visits, for alcohol related charges. He called me one night and I could tell that he had been drinking, but we talked for hours. Not long after, we went out for a day and spent hours talking again. I knew that he had problems with substance use. The first day I met him in person he passed out in my parents bathroom because of mixing alcohol and muscle relaxers. Everyone who knew me warned me, but I dove in. My current partner was afraid of him and I saw it as my way out. In time, I fell in love with him wholeheartedly. The beginning of the relationship was rough because my ex partner refused to leave. He continued to manipulate and I dealt with things terrible. I found out I was pregnant with my husbands child and about the same time, my husband left. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that if I didn't get away from my ex that he never would. I moved out and the ex followed, sleeping outside of my new place and following me to work. I tried everything I could to get my husband to believe that I didn't want the ex there and get him to come back. After months, he began talking to me again. One night, he called me drunk and asked me to stop after work. He could barely stand up and ended up passing out in the road. It was a mess. I left and later that night he called again and begged me to come and get him. I did. He asked to move in with me and we started talking about fixing things. Within a week there was a fight. He showed up at my work with dinner and he had been drinking. Something I said upset him and all I can remember is him going on and on about me being unappreciative. I didn't want him to get in trouble for running around town drunk, so I called his dad to pick him up and told him I would get him after work. I didn't hear from him again until the next day. When I did, he was on a greyhound to spend the weekend with the woman he had been seeing since he initially left me, ticket and hotel room paid for by his father. This was a woman from his past who had tried to contact him while he was still living with me. His parents pushed for him to go to her and went as far as sending her number to him signature on delivery. I was shocked and heartbroken. He spent two days in a hotel with her. I begged him to come home, that I would forget everything and we would start fresh. He did, but my trust was gone. Through conversations, I found out that he had been planning a new life with her, telling her how much he loved her. I asked him to call her and tell her it was over in front of me and he refused. He refused to hurt her. I worried constantly from then on that he was seeing someone. I panicked every time that he left the house wondering if I would see him again or if he was headed to another woman. The marriage was hell for both of us from then on. Our son was born and things continued to get worse. When our son was 3 months old, my husband left again. This time, we maintained contact for a few months, but he was constantly drunk and with his drinking came anger and violence. I made things worse by being an emotional wreck and constantly questioning whether he was cheating. To add to everything else, when our son was 3 months old, I found out that I was pregnant again. He didn't want me to have the baby. I refused to abort. Our fighting became worse and worse and eventually, he stopped speaking to me and refused to see me. Then one night I missed a call from him and the voicemail that was left on my phone changed everything. It was a conversation that was picked up when he hadn't hung up the phone. It was 10 minutes of my husband, drunk, and his dad. His dad was convincing him that I was out to get him and if he didn't do something about me first, then he would end up back in jail. Later that night an officer called to warn me that my husband had been picked up drunk, close to my house and told the officer he was headed to me. He was taken home and I was warned to be careful. After that, he filed for divorce and I filed a protective order. There was no contact for almost a year. I gave birth to our son alone. He moved on and moved another woman into his house. I spent the entire time feeling like I couldn't breathe and missing him so much that it hurt. Around Christmas, he called and asked if he could see our kids. I agreed and we planned a night for him to come. He came and was sober. Being close to him again took away the pain I had felt for the past year. I wanted nothing more than for him to stay. He did. He also continued drinking and the fighting started right back up. One night he showed up drunk and after being asked to leave and refusing, I called the police so that the kids didn't see the fighting. He was arrested. Again, we gave it a go when he was bailed out. Again, the fighting continued. Now 7 months later, he is gone again.
Throughout our marriage we have both put each other through hell. At this point though, I can say that a large part of our issues are because of me. I have panic attacks daily. I want so badly to trust him, but I cant. I pick fights and push him away. I constantly question him and whether he is being honest and faithful. He packs a bag and walks out on a weekly basis and every time he does, my mind flashes to that greyhound and I panic. I chase him and beg and yell. I don't want to go through this anymore. I just want my husband. I want him to love me and want me back. I don't feel like he ever has or ever will.
During the year that we were apart I saw a therapist and I worked hard on me. Life was completely different. It was peaceful and calm and I loved it, even though I was heartbroken and missed the man I loved. I was diagnosed with PTSD and general anxiety disorder. I thought that I had made a change in me, but when he came back, so did the old me. I know that I am a codie. I am not typical in that I do great alone. I don't long for someone just so that I am not alone and I do not derive my self esteem from a man. Quite the opposite. I thrive alone and my self esteem is high when alone.
I know this was long and thank you if you have made it this far. Right now, my husband is living with his dad. He won't speak to me. He is supposed to watch our kids while I work, since he doesn't work. I know that this is best for the kids because he is good with them and to them. He has worked so hard to stay sober. I just want the chance to start over and fix things, but I don't think he has any desire to be married to me. I haven't eaten or slept in days. I found a new dating site profile that he made the day after he left and it is driving me crazy. All I can think about is who he is with, who is touching him, who he is saying I love you to. I have been in a constant state of panic since he left and I feel like dying. I know that we can't continue like we were. Our kids can never see the fighting again. I know I should let go. I don't know how.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Hummmmmmmmm................you went from one abusive relationship to another. I suggest Alanon, which helped me change and stop picking loosers. Today I only want people I trust and respect in my life and it has made a huge difference. You don't have to continue this endless cycle. Alanon saved my sanity. When we codependents finally separate from the alcoholic we go through withdrawal simililar to an alcoholic quitting booze. There's a big difference between need and love. You can turn your life around, I promise.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Well CC,
Welcome. There are a lot of great people here willing to read and comment. There are also sticky threads which are full of wisdom. I have insomnia so I am thankful this site is international so you can see and enjoy threads at all hours.
Knowing you are Codie and having had some therapy, you have a great start. You even know what you need to return to - when you were peaceful and calm. I would personally work to put my life back to that... You are addicted to H. It is not easy to just stop. Can you go back to counselor or another one? I too suggest Al Anon.
Peace out CC!
Welcome. There are a lot of great people here willing to read and comment. There are also sticky threads which are full of wisdom. I have insomnia so I am thankful this site is international so you can see and enjoy threads at all hours.
Knowing you are Codie and having had some therapy, you have a great start. You even know what you need to return to - when you were peaceful and calm. I would personally work to put my life back to that... You are addicted to H. It is not easy to just stop. Can you go back to counselor or another one? I too suggest Al Anon.
Peace out CC!
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am sorry for what you have gone through but you seem to be taking on all the responsibility. Your husband has left several times to be with other women I don't think I could trust him again after that. You went from one bad relationship into another with an alcoholic, you hadn't dealt with the trauma of your previous relationship before you were dealing with trauma in a new one!!
I like you met my separated AH when he was in the throws of drug and alcohol addiction and I married him even though he was violent and aggressive at times. We spent the next 18 years fighting over my anxiety and his drinking. I was anxious because he always chose drink and friends over me and the kids or he would leave so he could drink. Every time he went outi worried if he would come home was he having more fun with them as he never went out with me I turned everything inwards. It all stemmed from our first few years together and his periodic binge drinking and brief moments of sobriety I was anxious that I wasn't enough but here's the thing I am beginning to think it was he who wasn't enough for me, as he couldn't or didn't want to give me what I needed. I am learning that you can't love someone into sobriety. I tried everything to get my AH to see me and put me before his addiction to seek help, I shouted cried, manipulated and tried to control his drinking but none of it works. In the end he has left again so he can drink!!
I think it's great that you have been working on you one book that helped me was how to stop being addicted to a person. This helped me see that because my relationship with my mother wasn't great that I didn't feel loved or worthy I grew up thinking that I have to fix people for me to feel loved and worthy and with my AH I thought if I can fix him then he truly love me, I deserve love and I am worthy. That's also probably why I chose my current job so I can fix people. But I can't fix people or my AH I can only support those I love and care about but I can't control their choices even though I might want to. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it and my own choices. I have to develop my own self worth and learn to love myself. We all deserve to be loved and cared for but we have to do it for ourselves first.
I like you met my separated AH when he was in the throws of drug and alcohol addiction and I married him even though he was violent and aggressive at times. We spent the next 18 years fighting over my anxiety and his drinking. I was anxious because he always chose drink and friends over me and the kids or he would leave so he could drink. Every time he went outi worried if he would come home was he having more fun with them as he never went out with me I turned everything inwards. It all stemmed from our first few years together and his periodic binge drinking and brief moments of sobriety I was anxious that I wasn't enough but here's the thing I am beginning to think it was he who wasn't enough for me, as he couldn't or didn't want to give me what I needed. I am learning that you can't love someone into sobriety. I tried everything to get my AH to see me and put me before his addiction to seek help, I shouted cried, manipulated and tried to control his drinking but none of it works. In the end he has left again so he can drink!!
I think it's great that you have been working on you one book that helped me was how to stop being addicted to a person. This helped me see that because my relationship with my mother wasn't great that I didn't feel loved or worthy I grew up thinking that I have to fix people for me to feel loved and worthy and with my AH I thought if I can fix him then he truly love me, I deserve love and I am worthy. That's also probably why I chose my current job so I can fix people. But I can't fix people or my AH I can only support those I love and care about but I can't control their choices even though I might want to. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it and my own choices. I have to develop my own self worth and learn to love myself. We all deserve to be loved and cared for but we have to do it for ourselves first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 31
Thank you all for the responses. I actually attended Al Anon weekly during the year that my husband was gone. I think that the year went so well because there was no contact. Having to see him and be near him kills me. This time is different because he will be coming to my home to watch our boys. His home is not safe for kids and he has no license (lost to multiple OWIs.) Our boys are also not allowed around his parents. Our middle son is blind and home is comfort to him, so him coming here is the best solution. My parents have offered to hand off the kids so I do not have to see him, but they are only able to in the mornings, so I am still stuck seeing him afternoons.
I feel so broken and regardless of his past issues and drinking, I feel like this is completely my fault at this point. He has asked me to go to therapy with him as a start. There is a peaceful place in me that is telling me to just stop and let go, but I am trying and I can't stop this panic. I have made it all day today without contacting him. He messaged earlier to check on the time in the morning and I answered with a time and nothing more. This is a huge step for me because shamefully I have been calling over and over and over and texting like a fool. The rest of my life isn't like this. I have a professional job, good friends and family...I just want peace.
I feel so broken and regardless of his past issues and drinking, I feel like this is completely my fault at this point. He has asked me to go to therapy with him as a start. There is a peaceful place in me that is telling me to just stop and let go, but I am trying and I can't stop this panic. I have made it all day today without contacting him. He messaged earlier to check on the time in the morning and I answered with a time and nothing more. This is a huge step for me because shamefully I have been calling over and over and over and texting like a fool. The rest of my life isn't like this. I have a professional job, good friends and family...I just want peace.
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