is it selfish of me?
 

AH is going away on business for two weeks. I am looking forward to the break, i want to work on myself while he is gone. I find it easier to not obsess about his drinking or if he is still on the wagon when he's not home.

Is it selfish of me to tell him this before he goes? Apologize for trying to control his sobriety, asking pointed questions about how he is doing? It would clear the air on my side, i like it when things are spelled out clearly and concisely. AH doesn't. He hates talking about his drinking or not drinking, he feels i define him that way and he is more than just an alcoholic. He'll be uncomfortable.

Alternately, i could send him an email when he goes, and that way he can choose to read or delete.

Is this selfish of me?

Hello so very,

Turn the tables a moment. If your AH said to you, "Baby, while I'm away I am going to really focus on beating it. I've got the meetings or my sponsor or whatever lined up to get me through this trip." Would you believe him? I imagine you've heard what you want to hear before and fell for that previously.

So say nothing about your planned self work. Write yourself your goals. Work on them while he is away. Keep us posted as I imagine in time your name here won't really fit. All the best!

do your work for YOU. without ANY expectations on how it may or may not impact HIM.

I've read this a couple times now. You're right, I've said that before and haven't followed thru. Actions are stronger. I've never written goals before. That would be powerful. Thank you for the suggestion. :)

There are better places and people to share your thoughts and intentions about recovery with than your AH. If you're sincere in your recovery, he'll notice soon enough. Just as you would if it were the other way round.

If there's the slightest, remotest hint that you'd hope it would have some effect on him, definitely DON'T say anything. Your recovery is for you.

Wishing you all the best with it!