hopeful4

Good grief.

One morning at church i see a dad coming to pick up one of my Sunday School kids. Ive known dad for a long time and love his DD like my own, she is eight. Out of the corner of my eye im watching hiim, and can see hes drunk. Yup, 9am at church. I tell an elder i need help, said elder drives him home. His wife calls me to see what happened, admits his drinking issues and his affair. Even though i discourage this, they send him to a fancy resort rehab far away. I invite wife to CR and offer her support as best i can.

Fast forward three months. Last night we had a back to school party. Said dad is there alone w daughter. He seems fine initially. His DD runs to me and plays w my DD. He tells me hes going to get gas and will be right back. Makes a huge deal about being on empty. He comes back and does seem ok but i can smell booze on his breath. He asks if it was me that day at church that told the elders and wants to MAKE SURE I DONT FEEL GUILTY. I assure him I DO NOT. I tell him that i hope he is working his recovery. He explains its so hard and does not happen overnight. I tell him i get that but my #1 concern is his DD and that he cannot drink a drop driving her. That if he were to make that choice again id call the police not an elder. I ask where his wife is, shes at home cleaning the house.

OMG what is wrong w these people?? He assures me he feels no guilt for anything. He says in rehab they told him to cut his family loose and hes not doing that. Hmmmm... i call BS. My frustration lies in what to do about his DD. School is about to start bc of my own job i cannot offer to drive her. Obviously his wife (kind but naieve) is not understanding hes still pulling this crap. Now what?

I just became calm enough to let my own children drive with my X as he has finally proven over the last 3 to 4 months he does not drink around my kids any longer. I have strict antidrinking language in my divorce decree. I know i cannot control this man, but ive no doubt he would have killed himself, his DD, or someone else that day. The thought makes me ill. Any advise is welcome SR friends.

If you have made it through this epitath i thank you!!

Stung

No advice, but I think you're a badass. I personally think calling the police about a drunk driver with a minor in the car sounds like a solid plan.

hopeful4

Thanks Stung, my concern is i wont be there and the people at our church and school would not be educated in addiction to know what to look for.

WendyOR

no answers but have to agree... you are doing right by his dd. Keep doing what you are doing...

FireSprite

IDK what you CAN do hopeful, there are definite limits to your control & influence on the situation. Unless you are there every time to ascertain his state of inebriation, you just have to pray & hope really.

It's obvious he's still quacking like crazy & that despite the offers, his wife is not interested in reaching out for more education or assistance in this issue. All you really CAN do is make yourself available for her to talk/lend support & try to make sure that their daughter is safe whenever you are around. Report him drunk driving if you see/know it is happening & let him deal with the consequences.

It sucks to be standing right there watching a situation that you know hurts the kids in any way - it's just not in your control to fix or change, unfortunately.

desypete

your right you can not control this man nor his actions
lets hope he doesn't decide to try to keep his family away from you as its what i would of done if i was drinking

anyone who caused me a problem with my drinking was a problem i would avoid

unless your willing to spend the rest of your days following this man around and ready to call the police on him the min you see him do it again i dont know how else your going to stop him

if he is an alcoholic like me, nothing will stop him until he has hit his own bottom and had enough

how far this man has to go down is anyones guess i hope he wakes up and acts
but sadly i fear he might go the other way and make sure he tries to steer his family away from you

as thats what i would of done

hopeful4

Desypete, he wont stay away bc the circumstances he sees me in are school and church things. Our kids go to a smallish private school w lots of events so i guess i can only do what all of you have said which is keep watch when i am there and pray alot. I may encourage the elder who was involved and principal of the school to do some sort of general education to the staffs of what to look for in addiction. Its a rampant worldwide problem thats only going to get worse so i feel the education whatto look for and how to respond would be good for everyone.

Sigh.....addiction sucks

SeriousKarma

Stung is right, Hopeful, you are a badass.

It seems to me you've done, and are doing all that you can do. But, that may be more than you realize. Alcoholic husband aside, you may have been the first clear voice that spoke to the wife. You may not see the result of your actions. It may take her time, maybe a lot of time, but that doesn't mean it didn't have an effect on her.

peaceofpi

I would ask everyone to CALL THE POLICE immediately when a drunk person is driving a child. Get a license plate and make/model and call 911.

Next, inform the school and any other persons who have responsibility for the child's welfare. The elder and principal in your case, for example, and ask for them to pray as well. You can't control the situation or protect the child (that's in God's hands), but you can help create a zone of safety and awareness for the child.

A call can also be made to child services in your area - see Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline | Childhelp for a list of state hotlines and national child abuse hotline.

I personally am facing this problem - AXH drunk when picking our young DS up at school, according to a friend. I've informed authorities, school principal, and teacher.

It seems like unless an alcoholic actually gets caught in the act of putting a child at risk or harming the child, nothing happens to protect that child. Please, please call 911 when you see child maltreatment, abuse, or neglect.

hopeful4

Yup, ive made it crystal clear i wont hesitate to call the police. I think thats why my X does not drive my kids either, hes afraid of the police.

Thanks guys, i appreciate you all. Im really no badass, just a mom who loves my kids and I realize it takes a village when kids are involved.

Much love.....

hopeful4

Desypete... i especially thank you as i think hearing from the other side of the coin helps alot. I appreciate your input alot!

fourmaggie

never be afraid to protect KIDS, use your gut!

hopeful4

O no, not discourage rehab. Discouraging such an expensive posh place that was a huge financial burden. He was told go or divorce, that usually does not work.

peaceofpi

Hopeful, how did your X prove over the past few months that he doesn't drink around the kids? Thanks.

allforcnm

I don't think there is anything else you can do Hopeful. If you are there then of course if a parent appears inebriated or high then you wouldn't release the kids. When your not there it falls to someone else. A general overview of safety when releasing children would be great; including not just this topic but also making sure they know the person picking up, kids with special req's... but not to single out this family. If this is a small church school I can see negative fallout to the kids and wife too if gossip starts spreading.

I also was questioning why you would discourage rehab of any kind. But then I saw you posts your opinions on the topic. Its good they listened to your views, but I think its a highly personal choice for the one going to treatment and the family as a whole. Most people from what Ive read actually end up in rehab due to pressure from family, friends, work. My husband did, and has done really well. He also went to an expensive place but it was worth it so I guess Im just sensitive to the topic.

I hope this man and his family end up with a good outcome.

Just be careful not to assume too much responsibility for the situation. You cant carry all the weight.

hopeful4

Good Morning!
My kids are old enough to know, so that is it mainly. We also have an agreement that I speak to him before he picks up my kids anytime, and I can always tell. He only has them a day or two a week, since he can freely drink on the other days he is (for now) able to not drink on those days.

I will also say that my children confronted him themselves without me around a few months ago. They made it clear they won't tolerate that or be around him if he has to drink w/them there. I think he could really see that they were feeling a lot of hostility towards him, and he did not want that.

Luckily, he does love the kids and cares what they think of him.

On the other subject, regarding the rehab issue. In no way did I discourage rehab. I discouraged spending their entire savings on a rehab that is states away. There are two very fine rehabs here, one about 2 hours away, the other 45 mins away. His wife had asked me for names of rehabs if I knew of any and also asked my opinion. I never would have given it had she not asked. I did caution her that statistics show (I learned this at a CR summit in California), that even when someone is very serious about recovery it takes an average of three times in rehab to recover. If they are not serious about working recovery, it may never happen. I told her that too.

I agree rehabs are a personal choice. However, when his wife is asking my opinion because we have been friends for years and she trust me, I will tell her the truth, just as she would me. She cashed in HER retirement for him to go there, and here he is, still drinking and still quacking. It breaks my heart as she is not equipped to deal with this in any way, shape, or form and thought (as I did when my X went to rehab), he would come home a new and better person. As many of us on here know, that does not happen for the average person.

I am going to speak to the Elder who assisted that day, and to the principal. They will tell no one, I am confident of that. They will not want any gossip or to hurt anyone. However, someone besides me has to know what is going on for the safety of their child. After that, I will keep eye out when I am with the kids, just as I always do. When I have them in Sunday School I make all parents come and check in with me before the kids leave so I know they are safe with their parents. It is just I know what to look for while some others may not. It's not my job to give everyone education on this, but it is my job to notify the people in charge so they may choose what to do.

As I said before, I believe this problem will present itself again in the future either with him or others, and there needs to be guidelines in place to keep the children safe, that has to be #1, ALWAYS.

Thank you all so much for your input, I value all of you so very much!I hope you all have a great day!

peaceofpi

Thanks, Hopeful. Your kids sound as awesome as you are, and they have healthy boundaries.

hopeful4

Thank you! I hope and pray they have healthy boundaries, I have done everything I know to do to instill those, and I pray a lot!!

XXX

peaceofpi

I'm working on it too. Would you mind sharing some knowledge on raising kids with healthy boundaries? Thank you!

hopeful4

PieceofPi, I think the best thing i ever did was open up and be honest with my girls. I also attended counseling with them (during part of the time, the other part is theirs alone). They usto attend CR in age appropriate classes. However, more than any one thing, i believe its because they saw me demonstrate fair boundaries and when i did i would always explain calmly to them WHY. Of course i did not go into every little detail, but explained the truth they need for their own safety and healthy boundaries. I have tried to instill these healthy boundaries in all their relationships. My older DD is 14 and that age can have tons of drama, so i want them to be in a healthy place to handle that when it does happen in all issues. Its not been perfect, this has taken time. Its also a fine line to remember im not their friend, im their mom first.

Thank you as always!