Stung

This is a lesson I'm still learning but it gets easier with practice and awareness. You keep going to the hardware store to buy bread and instead you walk away beaten and bruised after having hammers thrown at you. You sent him a text hoping he would give you a response that he isn't capable of giving anyone.

Your husband is a complete and total a-hole. Period. This is who he is. The next time you text him I hope you're planning on getting a nasty response back, because it appears that is all he is capable of giving you, lady.

What works for me is having a plan. When I feel blue or lonely or really anxious and want AH to soothe my nerves or tell me I'm going to he okay, I take a walk, I check on here at SR (reading my own old posts is particularly helpful and something I strongly suggest to you, particularly the thread where your husband tried choking you) or call a random friend, etc. You are never going to get the response you're expecting from this guy. Maybe it's time to stop asking him for bread.

iamthird

You cannot forget how you feel in this moment the next time you are wanting to engage with him. Please stop asking the whys. He does not hate you Emmy. He hates himself. The sooner you see this isnt about you and that he is ill, it will be a weight off of your shoulders! He is just not capable of what you need, please remember that. Focus on what you do have. That is the only way you will get through. Your thoughts are very condemning to yourself. You are going home to your children and peaceful life, think of it that way instead of that you have no husband to go home to. I just want to see you making it about Emmy. It is your time friend. Rise up. Do not let him define you.

WendyOR

I keep coming back to that quote, to help me, saying, people may not remember what you said, people may forget what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel. That feeling he made you feel today... keep it close to your heart to help you heal. It is so much easier said than done. I know this for a fact. I think that we go back in our memory and think of all the good times and touching times, but those times, I often wonder if they were all lies as well, as they were trying to mirror us, to get us hooked.... Thinking of you and sending you good vibes... and lots of prayers, and Kleenex as well...

WendyOR

ps, sometimes they are so hurtful, how could we forget what they said?

redatlanta

EmmyG - I remember in the aftermath of a break up an X would text me every once in awhile and say "How are you doing"?

I would text back "fabulous! Just got back from vacation. Getting ready to go out have to go"

I was really sitting on the couch in pajamas crying and eating a bowl of ice cream.

EmmyG

Thanks everyone. I woke up to my two sweet boys making me laugh and I feel much better. It's a new day. I live in a beautiful town, I have two healthy children, a job that pays the bills and good medical care, and many things to look forward to. I like what one of you said about his mind being diseased and not seeking validation from him. Very good point.

You're right stung (as you usually are), he is an a-hole. I like to think he isn't when I see him being great with the kids or bejng kind to me.
I took our preschooler to a birthday party yesterday and a few of the parents came up and told me how lovely my husband was ok the field trip Friday. How great he was with our boys and how funny he is. And I never understand how he can manage to be so reasonable with our kids. So patient and gentle. He never shouts or screams at them. But with me, he just lets the anger come out.

LoveMeNow

Anyone that comes between an addict and their DOC will eventually feel the wrath. By trying to "help" him - I became the "enemy" to the addiction. It's all just insane!!

AnvilheadII

And I never understand how he can manage to be so reasonable with our kids. So patient and gentle. He never shouts or screams at them. But with me, he just lets the anger come out.

I suppose there's a golden nugget in there....that at least TODAY he IS good with the boys. that he does for now have the ability to turn the anger switch off and on. yes, you take the hits....but if you minimize contact, that takes the bullets out of his gun.

NYCDoglvr

So learn from your mistake and don't make it again. There's a saying, "don't dial pain".

littlefish

Don't forget you are right in the middle of the breakup. It's happening now. You are in the trenches and the worst blows to your self-esteem are happening now, the worst hurt, the most pain.
But if it is any help, so many others have been in the same place. So many people experience breakups, divorce- try to find some support in others who have been where you are at. Most of us know friends who have divorced. It really helps to talk.

It might really help to make it a habit to turn to a trusted friend at moments like the one you described in your original post. If you had called a friend and asked if texting your x was a good idea, they probably would have said: NO!

Santa

Others may have thought the same about you in the past - little did they know that when you got home your husband abused you. You have no idea what goes on in people's lives; what looks idyllic to us in our pain may be anything but.

My advice: stop texting your husband. He's an abusive a****le.

dandylion

History is replete with people who were charming and charismatic to the general public and, yet, had a very brutal dark side. Most ordinary people are able to put on a social face. Present their best qualities.

We all do it. Every single person...to some extent.
This is why it takes a long time....and living with a person day-to-day to really get to know them.

That people can turn it on and off should be no surprise to anyone..if you think about it....

dandylion

healthyagain

Thanks to this thread, and what you said here, NYCDoglvr, instead of bugging my AH (ignored me for 3 days) I went for a nice little drive. When I came back, he just mumbled, "Had a good ride?" And I was all chirpy happy, "Oh, excellent
!" I wont be dialing pain (or in this case, look for it in another room). That is our conversation for today.

I really have no idea why i always wanted to please, standing upside down if necessary only to be shot down...me and my optimism.