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wanttobehealthy 08-09-2014 07:29 PM

More incredible tales...
Wish I could say that sanity has returned this ass backward state I am in but it hasn't and I have been pretty dismayed (as is my lawyer) with the one and only judge dealing w family court issues here.

In the last 2 months xAH has:

- been ordered to supervised visits
- 3 weeks later the judge vacated the supervised visits with no explanation other than to cite the "children do best with two involved parents" BS from the family court guide book and gave him another chance
- since then he has blown positive for alcohol either before or after each of his visits w the kids and the judge has ruled that bc what he blew wasn't alarming enough (and he still isn't allowed to drive the kids) that he should continue to have unsupervised visits.
- the mediator has recommended I have sole custody and he have supervised visits and the judge has ignored the mediator and the kids therapist and child protective services recommendations.

I'm doing all I can to keep my kids safe and the one judge here in my town assigned to family court just runner stamps chance after chance for my xAH.

I am truly terrified for my kids lives and my own attorney has seen this judge rule insanely like this even when a parent is molesting and beating their kids (not too far off what my xAH is doing).

I haven't been here bc I am devastated and fearful of what level of damage will need to occur to my kids before this moronic judge will listen.

XAH has been fired from his job due to alcohol related issues and sexual harassment/threatening of teen girls and yet the judge doesn't feel this has any bearing on his ability to safely parent our two girls.

My kids are not doing all that great, they seem afraid of xAH and while everyone sees it and is alarmed, the judge, the one with the power to make decisions, seems to truly believe that giving xAH endless chances is the way to go.

So, that's my update.

totallytrying 08-09-2014 07:50 PM

I'm mostly a lurker, but I wanted to note that I've been following your posts over the years and think you're a very courageous person. I wish I had some good advice to give you because I would, but I think at this point you are doing all you can. Try your best to enjoy the time you have with your kids and be the best possible influence you can in their lives, as you have been, and hopefully you will come across another sympathetic judge at some point who will treat you with the respect and caring you deserve.

PurpleWilder 08-09-2014 08:47 PM

You know, an email to the state bar association's ethics board may not be out of line here. Can't hurt to try.

CodeJob 08-09-2014 09:10 PM

You are understandably worried and concerned! I am so glad to see your post today though! Hello! Hugs!

ResignedToWait 08-09-2014 11:52 PM

Are you able to appeal the judges decision to the circuit court? My AW did a new judge out of it also (our juvenile court judge saw right through her quacking).

hopeful4 08-10-2014 12:08 AM

Question, can you disqualify the judge? Here you can for no reason really, and it automatically goes to another judges dockett. We just did that for my divorce. It delayed things about three weeks, that was a small price. Tight hugs, i cannot imagine.

Dojang 08-10-2014 08:08 AM

In Virginia you have 10 days to appeal, then it goes to Circuit Court with a different judge. Our court does not allow you to request a new judge. I work for juvenile court, and have seen some awful rulings that really make you wonder what the judge was thinking. Your children should not have to see him if he's been drinking. I wish you the best of luck.

wanttobehealthy 08-10-2014 03:56 PM

Motion to reconsider has been filed and contempt charges too since each day there are new issues. Judge has 10 days to wait for other side to complain about motion to reconsider and then sets a hearing or rules. She is a "marital master" not even a judge. And my lawyer says unless there is a proven conflict of interest or ethics violation we can't demand a new judge. There was a great judge here who was assigned to our case but she was transferred and this new one is a notorious "fathers rights" nut case even in cases of fathers being drunk abusers.

Kids just got home from unsupervised visit w him and both are hungry, he didn't feed them lunch, my little one is covered in her own bowels bc she had an accident and was afraid to tell xAH and my older daughter said she asked him to let them rest earlier and he told her to "suck it up buttercup".

Another lovely day w an xAH.

firebolt 08-11-2014 11:52 AM

I'm just so sorry - sending you and the kids hopes of peace, and a much, much smarter judge.

hopeful4 08-11-2014 11:57 AM

O my gosh. I am so so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you are going through. I am going to throw something out there. I am not advocating doing this, just saying.

Years and years ago, a family member got a DUI. My mom, God bless her, called the judge several times. She then sent a plant to him. OMG really...who does that! She was desperate LOL. Anyways, eventually he had to assign the case to another judge b/c of conflict of interest b/c he could not remain inpartial b/c of my mother. LOL...I am cracking up just remembering this, what a deal.

Soooo.....maybe you could find a way or two to create a conflict of interest??

Wow. All of you have made me feel truly lucky I live where I do. I was able to get divorced right away and while there are some crap judges around here, I have never heard of anything like this.

Goodness. I send you the biggest hugs ever!!!!

theuncertainty 08-11-2014 12:23 PM

Sending big hugs to you and your little ones, WTBH. Wishing you all safety and continued strength.

unsureoffuture 08-11-2014 01:04 PM


I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It just stinks all around. You are doing everything in your power to protect your kids, only to have it all thrown back in your face. Family courts in my area are notorious for that kind of thing too. I work in the child abuse field so I have seen first hand how many chances parents get.

However, I did just go to a great talk from a Clinical Neuropsychologist that was able to do assessments of kids and had tests to measure decline in children's functioning based on how much exposure they had to traumatic childhood events (abuse, neglect, domestic violence, susbtance abuse). I am not sure if it would help in your case but perhaps if you had something to prove to the judge that the kids being with him was harming them it would help. His name was Dr. James E. Lewis and he worked out of a hospital in Maryland I believe. My work is using him on some neglect cases to strengthen the court cases.

lillamy 08-11-2014 01:13 PM

I'm in tears. I know that's not helpful but I'm just so sad for you and your children. :(

I don't have any advice. But I keep praying for you. (((hugs))))

FireSprite 08-11-2014 01:42 PM

WTBH, I'm also at a loss for words but wanted to at least let you know I was thinking of you & your girls today (& often). ((((HUGS))))

involved 08-11-2014 01:58 PM

If it was me I would request a guardian ad litem...they work for the kids...a mediator works toward a compromise for the adults...

ShootingStar1 08-11-2014 02:37 PM

I don't understand why a "marital master" who is not a judge has such power. Doesn't a marital master have to report to a judge? Doesn't the divorce decree have to be signed off on by a real judge?

There must be some way of getting an emergency hearing with some one else, especially if your daughter had an accident and was too afraid of your husband to tell him.

Maybe talk with your congressman or someone in government who will know how to pull the strings that need to be pulled. Everybody has a boss somewhere. You need someone to find this marital mediator's boss. This is negligence on her part in allowing a father to treat a child so badly that they come home in that condition.

My heart goes out to you. What if your children just refuse to go with their father, and you call the police and give them the documentation? Maybe by activating the child abuse chain of command you can get other people to take charge of how your husband is acting with your children. That he was fired for sexual harassment of teenagers is extremely serious, and I would think child protective services might have authority to act since the marital mediator will not.


wanttobehealthy 08-11-2014 03:02 PM

The mediation isn't optional here. It's required in the process. So it's a waste of time and the mediator instantly asked why I am not seeking sole custody and sole decision making given the facts.

Unfortunately a judge rubber stamps whatever the "marital master" orders and while we are waiting on the motion to reconsider to be assessed by this "marital master" the appointment of a GAL is in process. But fun fun w xAH bc he and his lawyer don't have to agree to to a GAL and frankly his whole game is just to drag things out and hope I lose my cool (which will not be happening).

He's abusing the girls, me and the system and this dingbat marital master has a reputation for erring on the side of "fathers rights" even to the detriment of kids safety. But I guess that's ok as long as no one gets killed.

She's was brought up on ethics charges for violating a fathers rights two years ago (part of a Supreme Court record which I found googling her name). I guess she ordered supervised visits without proper notice to the dad of a hearing so on a technicality it was overturned and she got reprimanded by the bar association. And ever since based on other cases like mine that are public record, she appears to err on the side of protecting the abusers and drunks and doesn't appear to give a **** about the kids.

She is a total nightmare. So I frankly have a huge amt of fear about a final hearing with someone who is more interested in covering her own ass than advocating for kids.

The one possible good bit of info is that the case she got reprimanded for involved her violation of a precedent set during MY parents divorce. So my lawyer says it's possibly a conflict of interest and we could request she recuse herself.

More than anything I am just fed up to no end that kids well being and safety appears to come a distant second to protecting the "rights" of parents aka xAH.

catlovermi 08-11-2014 04:31 PM

Sending you strength and support and a warm hug!

What a horrible, frustrating, drawn-out ordeal you have had to endure. I am so sorry this has been your life.

I hope one day you will be able to look BACK on these days, BEHIND you!


Rosalba 08-11-2014 05:20 PM

This is just such an awful tale; sending you prayers and warm thoughts, and apologies that that's all I have to offer.


Florence 08-11-2014 06:22 PM

You sound good, even keel, determined. It will take time, but you've got this.

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