alanonasaurus

Hiya. I'm new here. Have had recent problems with my A. He's the father of my baby (but not my partner, my friend - yeah, weird) and has been 7 years in aa recovery. I've felt this last year that he's been gradually slipping - not drinking, but indulging in thoughts and behaviour that are detrimental to recovery. Uncurbed resentment for one, stopping going to meetings for two (he reckons it's more about working the program than going to meetings, which has some truth in it, possibly), seriously excessive caffeine fixation for three (and I mean seriously), and lately, hinting at a desire for drug use - "Ya know, my friend takes the odd bit of speed now and again, and he's an alcoholic, and it's not like drugs were my big problem, alcohol was, I could always stop taking drugs." This coming from the man who admitted a couple of years ago that he'll never be able to take drugs again as he's an addict and will always be an addict, and he even has 'addict' tattooed on his inner lip.

I also have vague suspicions that he has in fact already relapsed on speed, because, for the last couple of months he's been having one sleepless night a week, which leaves him a mess the next day - twitchy, unable to meet my eye, irritable etc...which could easily be down to sleep deprivation, but the thing is, I've just realised, by going back over my texts with him, that this sleepless night is always on a Sunday, which, coincidentally, is the day he insists on having to himself, sans baby, and he spends the whole day and night at his flat...and what's more, his texts those nights are super long and energetic....

Course, it could be a coincidence. He just happens to have a sleepless night every Sunday. Too much caffeine maybe. I'm trying not to jump to hysterical conclusions yet. It is possible that I am an awful bitch for doubting him like this.

I went to my first alanon last week, and it was good, and I'll go again. But I could really do with some advice....first of all, does this all smell like a relapse or am I being hysterical?

Also, I confronted him on the resentment issue last week and he got very upset and defensive and twisted it all around on to me, making out that I was sick and need therapy (and some other nasty things). I tried to convince him that me bringing it up was coming from a good place (because most of his resentment hasn't been pointed at me, therefore my motives aren't dirty) but it didn't matter. He was pissed that I dared to bring this up, and I was pissed that he (I felt) manipulated the argument to deflect from himself. We half-resolved it, but things are still frosty, and now he wants us to have a talk tomorrow and he wants to talk about 'boundaries' and things we can't talk about. I'm guessing he's going to say that I can't talk about his recovery, something like that.

I'm so sick of the whole thing that I'm thinking of just saying, 'Ok, whatever,' because I can't bare the thought of another argument with him (I don't trust his perspective anymore - in an argument he's as twisted as a witch's tit).

So here's my second question: should I just shut up and leave his recovery to him, or should I challenge him? I know what the answer would be normally - I stay on my side of the street, he stays on his. But I'm asking because there's a one year old baby involved in this, and perhaps therefore I should have the right to talk about his recovery.....unless it would cause more harm than good.

Sorry for the ridiculously long thread, but I'm confused as hell right now. He's twisting my mind into knots. And I am twisting my mind into knots.

Tansy

I went to my first alanon last week, and it was good, and I'll go again. But I could really do with some advice....first of all, does this all smell like a relapse or am I being hysterical?

Trust your gut. If it smells like one it probably is one. His recovery is his - baby or not. I'd concentrate on your child and not be drawn in to what he is or is not doing. Talking to him about it will not make it so. He can say anything and probably will to get you off his back, His twisting it around to you being the problem is classic quacking. Manipulation to deflect from himself is also classic. My ex ah did this all the time. As soon as I mentioned anything he'd start on what he had done that was good even if it was 6 weeks before and irrelevant to the current conversation.

dandylion

From what you have written....it sounds like relapse to me.

You are only friends. Not married or even in a romantic relationship.

I would imagine, then, that your involvement with him if he uses drugs or drinks would revolve only around when he has the child with him.
Certainly he knows that you don't condone his using or drinking. Friends can be very open and honest with each other---PULLING NO PUNCHES. Other than that---they have no control over each other. Friendships are voluntary relationships.

dandylion

CodeJob

Welcome,

Trust your gut - seconded!

alanonasaurus

Thanks for the advice. Consider my gut trusted.

lillamy

Trust your gut. Protect your baby. But also -- keep going to Al-Anon. I found what I learned there about leaving AXH alone with his drinking-or-not-drinking was far more helpful than to try to keep tabs on him.

So the title of your post -- who's the sick one?
I'd venture to say when you're involved with an addict (even a recovering one), unless you have the right tools at your service, it's very easy to get just as sick as they are. At least that was my experience.