gabigoo

I can not take another argument with my AH. He has been sober for 18 days now...yes his longest! This is his first time in recovery. I am just wondering if there is a special characteristic that makes him so argumentative? Does anyone know what I am talking about? We argue just like when he was drinking but he is dry! He still feels the world revolves around him. He does not see anything but his own perspective. And of course I need to go on that merry-go-round with him about everything! I am just so tired of it all. Of course I have been saything this for 9 years now!
He has always played the typical AH, placing all the blame on me, putting me down with the harshest words and telling me I am the paranoid "crazy" one! First of all... he needs to blame someone and god knows it will never be him. Second... I am NOT crazy or paranoid... it is impossible to live with someone who is always unreasonable and if I disagree I am "crazy". And trying to put me down? Come on...projection at its best!!! Maybe it is because he does not like what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I am as confident as I could be. I know I am an attractive female and even after 2 kids I have a body to die for. (this is not bragging, just said in disgust toward my AH)
So I am wondering does it ever end? Does the arguing and disrespect ever end? Does the noise ever stop? I really hate drama and that is exactly what my life has become! When does it end...?
Gabi

Ann

Gabigoo

It ends when WE say "enough. When we stop being willing participants in their chaos. Being spoken to, the way you have been, is abusive and you don't have to be his audience.

My suggestion is that the next time he starts, take a deep breath, walk away and simply do not participate. He will be left talking to the wind, and let him...let the words fly right past your ears and straight out the window. If need be, walk out of the house and just go for a walk, or sit on the front porch but just get away from him. Learn to "act" instead of reacting.

Don't "expect" anything from him. Look after yourself and your own needs, give thought to what triggers these outbursts and avoid them at all cost. I'm not saying to walk on eggshells, I don't believe in that, I am just saying don't try to discuss anything that he refuses to discuss with respect for you in his voice.

And if you can, get to a meeting and begin working a program for you, that will help you get your balance and learn to set boundaries and live a happy life, regardless of how unhappy he is.

I can get better. It does get better, but the change begins with you.

Hugs
Ann

Chy

What Ann said!!

Is he in a program of recovery or just doing it alone? Makes a difference, as he does sound like a dry drunk. Additionally, early in recovery, we're quite venemous. Our emotions are running rampant, we're lost, we feel even more alone, and we're high on that pity pot... it all stopped for me when I found AA.

This in no way is to excuse him and his behavior, but perhaps give you a perspective as to what he's not telling you. Please, listen to what Ann has suggested. Once you can gain your own well being, and become stronger, you'll be able to manage your own feelings, and it will get better for you!

Soul Catcher

I could have wrote this myself. I have been with my AH for five years and have three kids 4,3,3. I k now exactly where you are coming from. I am also attractive and my AH has it made in the shade. Mine has been sober for about that long "this" time. I went through him putting me down and even went to a shrink because he made me feel like I was the crazy person. They put me on meds to deal with the drama. I can't say that helps much. Some people from what I gather become "dry drunks". They don't know how to function noramally. They are just as miserable if not worse. It's something that HE has to try and get help with, meetings, counseling, ect. I have been called everything in the book because they are unreasonable. If he doesn't respect himself how can he respect you. They seem to have to blame someone to have some (what they think is) control. The fact of the matter is they have NO control. I do agree on thinking of yourself and getting yourself help. Help to deal with him and building your self esteem back up. Once you get that then your on your way to healing rather it be leaving him or dealing with him. I had to become a B**** and draw a line in CONCRETE and say I will NOT take anymore of this. I made mine leave the house. He has been doing that for about three years and he is finally getting that I don't have to deal with it. Sometimes they never hit their rock bottom unless they are literally six feet under rock! It is NOT easy to live either way with them until you make your stand for yourself. Whenever my AH says something I don't like, I remind him that there is a hotel down the road or a bridge whichever he chooses. We as wives do NOT have to live with it, you put up with as much as you think you want to take. He does it because you LET him do it to you. When does it end? When you stop allowing him to treat you that way. Keep in touch with this site, it will help a bunch.

Magichappens

Hi gabigoo,
Have you checked out any Al-Anon meetings. It is a great way to help yourself through the difficulties of dealing with an alcoholic, sober or drunk. There is a lot of loving support and guidance. You deserve to be happy. You are ok. You have just lost faith in yourself. Al-Anon can help you find that faith again and nurture it. Learning to love yourself, take care of yourself, and treat yourself with respect is a healing thing. It has helped me to become a more happy and serene person. It is worth a try. To find a meeting near you check out http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/. Hugs, Magic