help re boundary letter
 

My husband is a periodical binge drnker. We have moved 6 months to a remote mtn location. He is a law enforcement officer. No al anon here. He went to my brothers last night and I am trying to set boundaries. I am presently recovering from severe asthma and respiratory infection.

Fri night you went to M's. I appreciate the effort you helped with children before you left. I did not here from you again. I got home at 1pm (had driven children to party) and it was obvious you were still effected by drink.i feel it was v unsafe driving home. I felt unsafe and whatever I said was picked out by you into a negative. 10 yr old dd observed you smelt bad. She was fearful seeing you push ds (2yrs) in toy car too fast. He was scared and started crying. She came to me crying and fearful of talking to you. Dd 2 (5 years) also came crying you were too rough and were fearful.

Over the afternoon you proceeded to repeat a number of hurtful things about my personality and the choice to move, putting the blame solely on myself. I was feeling sick, on medication and desperate to keep peace around the children. This could all have been said in a gentle
loving way any other time. This was heard by our eldest. You also made a number of aspirations on my mental health which were hurtful.

I know you have a long history of binging but I cant be subjected to this again.

I feel

You have a right to express your feelings, but this isn't really about boundaries. A boundary is not a rule to control someone's behavior, it is a safeguard for you. "No drinking and driving" is a rule, "I (and any minor children in my care) will not ride with a driver who has been drinking" is a boundary.
Enforcing a boundary also means that you have a plan b in place to deal with a violation. I made a boundary of "I will not live in a home with active alcoholism." My ex was also a binge drinker, but has progressed to daily blackouts. When the active alcoholism continued, I enforced my boundary by leaving the home with my children. He is still drinking, because that is his choice, but I no longer live in a home with active alcoholism. That is my choice.
I know all this is easier said than done, it wasn't a choice I made lightly, but I no longer felt safe in our home, and waiting on him to see the light was not a valid plan for our lives.