Now he's OD'd
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm just really mad at him. Just out of rehab, given a new chance by you - and these are the choices he makes???
It's not YOUR life. It's HIS. I think you could very rationally make the decision that you're not doing counseling or not having contact with him until he has X months clean and sober...
It's not YOUR life. It's HIS. I think you could very rationally make the decision that you're not doing counseling or not having contact with him until he has X months clean and sober...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Jarp, I am so, so sorry to hear this latest news.
Jarp, the house is on fire....you must save yourself and your son.
You aren't fighting him----you are fighting the disease. The disease doesn't care a twit about who it destroys. The disease is in charge.
All my empathy.....
dandylion
Jarp, the house is on fire....you must save yourself and your son.
You aren't fighting him----you are fighting the disease. The disease doesn't care a twit about who it destroys. The disease is in charge.
All my empathy.....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Thanks everyone for all your kind thoughts.
AH was given some sort of counteracting drug and is 'fine'. They actually said they were surprised how coherent he was given how many talents he'd taken and what his blood alcohol was. He was ringing me by 3am being crazy and abusive and for the first time in my life (after telling in he was not to speak to me like that) I hung up on him and tunred off my phone. I didn't sleep well...I'm tired.
Once again he's been assessed as not a suicide risk....it's all about sending a message + impulsivity. I actually got a bit upset on the phone and asked how far soemone has to go before help is offered and the MH worker was so great...he basically got it through to me that the help is there....but the person isn't remotely interested in accessing it. I know this, but now I feel it too.
He did say there is likely to be some sort of personality disorder present and probably brain injury...these combinations don't bode we'll for any sort of sobriety or recovery.
I think it's finally sunk in. This isn't a bad patch, this isn't a dip in the roller coaster. This is it. My lovely man has gone, and only an ugly shell remains, a shell filled with anger, bitterness, confusion and a made up world of lies and pain. And in reality that good man has been slowly fading away for a long time.
I just feel so sad. I'm grieving. We had a lot of wonderful times, with him I've shared my highest highs, and my lowest lows. But that person really has gone, and he's not coming back. I'm so so sad I don't know what to do with this sadness. I've finally given in, I'm not fighting it anymore, I'm done.
I've been in 'flight or fight' and it's kept me going. Now ive bottomed out. I'm not sure that 'smile and cope, cope and smile person' can keep it all together right now. But I have to, I have no choice.
I hate this disease. It's taken a man who once had so much to give this world. I know this was one true....he has a lot of people who even now love him.
I feel so sad for our child....I hope I can preserve his memory of the good things whilst supporting him through the reality of what is.
Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of you.
AH was given some sort of counteracting drug and is 'fine'. They actually said they were surprised how coherent he was given how many talents he'd taken and what his blood alcohol was. He was ringing me by 3am being crazy and abusive and for the first time in my life (after telling in he was not to speak to me like that) I hung up on him and tunred off my phone. I didn't sleep well...I'm tired.
Once again he's been assessed as not a suicide risk....it's all about sending a message + impulsivity. I actually got a bit upset on the phone and asked how far soemone has to go before help is offered and the MH worker was so great...he basically got it through to me that the help is there....but the person isn't remotely interested in accessing it. I know this, but now I feel it too.
He did say there is likely to be some sort of personality disorder present and probably brain injury...these combinations don't bode we'll for any sort of sobriety or recovery.
I think it's finally sunk in. This isn't a bad patch, this isn't a dip in the roller coaster. This is it. My lovely man has gone, and only an ugly shell remains, a shell filled with anger, bitterness, confusion and a made up world of lies and pain. And in reality that good man has been slowly fading away for a long time.
I just feel so sad. I'm grieving. We had a lot of wonderful times, with him I've shared my highest highs, and my lowest lows. But that person really has gone, and he's not coming back. I'm so so sad I don't know what to do with this sadness. I've finally given in, I'm not fighting it anymore, I'm done.
I've been in 'flight or fight' and it's kept me going. Now ive bottomed out. I'm not sure that 'smile and cope, cope and smile person' can keep it all together right now. But I have to, I have no choice.
I hate this disease. It's taken a man who once had so much to give this world. I know this was one true....he has a lot of people who even now love him.
I feel so sad for our child....I hope I can preserve his memory of the good things whilst supporting him through the reality of what is.
Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate every single one of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Jarp my heart goes out to you and how difficult this has been.
I do want to point something out. A mental health worker or even a doctor making broad statements such as "brain injury" without supporting documentation is irresponsible (obviously unless the tell tale signs in an emergency room of dilated pupils and unresponsiveness etc). Unless your husband has been diagnosed by a neurologist with accompanying brain scans and tests this is just a subjective statement that should have never been made. In rereading your recent interaction with him at detox I don't recall seeing a diagnosis at that time of "brain injury" ( if so I apologize for missing it).
What I see is the action and behavior of an addict deep in addiction. Brain injury? Maybe who knows I know that as much as they who have done no testing know.
I don't say that to counter your decisions. Your decision not to deal anymore is the right one. For the 10 - 12 days he was sober I believe you saw what can be. Its unfortunate he did not.
I hope this is bottom for him.
Lots of (((((hugs))))
I do want to point something out. A mental health worker or even a doctor making broad statements such as "brain injury" without supporting documentation is irresponsible (obviously unless the tell tale signs in an emergency room of dilated pupils and unresponsiveness etc). Unless your husband has been diagnosed by a neurologist with accompanying brain scans and tests this is just a subjective statement that should have never been made. In rereading your recent interaction with him at detox I don't recall seeing a diagnosis at that time of "brain injury" ( if so I apologize for missing it).
What I see is the action and behavior of an addict deep in addiction. Brain injury? Maybe who knows I know that as much as they who have done no testing know.
I don't say that to counter your decisions. Your decision not to deal anymore is the right one. For the 10 - 12 days he was sober I believe you saw what can be. Its unfortunate he did not.
I hope this is bottom for him.
Lots of (((((hugs))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
The brain injury is something that's been mentioned by several clinicians based on his rapid deterioration of executive functioning, heightened aggression, lack of inhibition and self control and apparent lack of empathy. A few years ago testing (I worked with him) showed superior planning, organising and other executive function skills - his background is as an analyst. He was also not remotely aggressive, was self controlled and risk adverse. He also had a very high IQ and works in technology. Even whilst being an alcoholic. Now he is really unable to demonstrate any of these skills and behaviours.
An example....now he can't work out how to use Internet banking.....even when hes not intoxicated.....which is a good thing for me.
They wanted to do all those tests (a neuropsych evaluation) and in particular wanted to look at the frontal lobe.
His psychiatrist has been encouraging him to have it but he refuses. I guess I can understand why.
An example....now he can't work out how to use Internet banking.....even when hes not intoxicated.....which is a good thing for me.
They wanted to do all those tests (a neuropsych evaluation) and in particular wanted to look at the frontal lobe.
His psychiatrist has been encouraging him to have it but he refuses. I guess I can understand why.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by jarp
I just feel so sad. I'm grieving. We had a lot of wonderful times, with him I've shared my highest highs, and my lowest lows. But that person really has gone, and he's not coming back. I'm so so sad I don't know what to do with this sadness. I've finally given in, I'm not fighting it anymore, I'm done.
Originally Posted by jarp
I hate this disease. .
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Sending continued love & prayers your way jarp, it's surreal to read about this rapid escalation so I can't fathom how you must be feeling actually living it.
I'm sure you are overwhelmed ~at best~ and feel like this is more of a movie-of-the-week you are trapped in, not REALLY happening. I wish every newcomer would read your story to see how quickly things can dissolve from a HFA state to absolute destruction.
How are your kids doing with all of this? Are you still getting good support from your family & friends? Please be careful of things like adrenal fatigue & exhaustion..... in these extended crisis states we tend to give more than we have & run ourselves lower than we realize until it's too late. If/when you need help, please reach out to your loved ones & let them in. Even if it's just an hour at a time so that you can sit in silence & rest, take it. Those little things make a big difference when you never know what your next challenge will be or when it will arrive.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
I'm sure you are overwhelmed ~at best~ and feel like this is more of a movie-of-the-week you are trapped in, not REALLY happening. I wish every newcomer would read your story to see how quickly things can dissolve from a HFA state to absolute destruction.
How are your kids doing with all of this? Are you still getting good support from your family & friends? Please be careful of things like adrenal fatigue & exhaustion..... in these extended crisis states we tend to give more than we have & run ourselves lower than we realize until it's too late. If/when you need help, please reach out to your loved ones & let them in. Even if it's just an hour at a time so that you can sit in silence & rest, take it. Those little things make a big difference when you never know what your next challenge will be or when it will arrive.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Really sorry to hear this jarp. In any disease, the patient can refuse treatment. You don't have to have a surgery, they can't make you get chemotherapy, etc. Involuntary psychiatric commitment is difficult to obtain as well, at least here in the US. After various tragedies (not necessarily alcohol related) it is learned that the family of the person involved tried for years to get help for the clearly mentally ill perpetrator.
It's a terrible thing to watch someone go off the rails. Really the only thing you can do at this point is protect yourself and your children.
It's a terrible thing to watch someone go off the rails. Really the only thing you can do at this point is protect yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Wishing you all the very very best; I hope you can detach from this guy and let him go. I used to work with people with borderline personality disorder and one of the things they do, albeit unintentionally, is project their inner chaos outwards. Or, to put it another way, they give us a taste of what it's like to be them. It's also completely untreatable in a medical sense, though many patients do engage well with recovery groups.
There's nothing you can do for him. I hope you feel comforted by the love and support from all of us on here.
(((HUGS)))
There's nothing you can do for him. I hope you feel comforted by the love and support from all of us on here.
(((HUGS)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
