Disappearing and Divorce Talk
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
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Disappearing and Divorce Talk
There are a couple of things I am struggling with right now. And yes I know I'm focusing on the A and not myself but I can't get these things out of my head right now.
First, the disappearing acts. I get why hubby leaves when he's drinking. But why does he leave when he's detoxing? I admit in the past I was an emotional wreck and would cry, rage, scream and try to make him promise not to do it again or try to push him into rehab. So have my reactions (more like freak outs) set up this pattern of leaving? He's talked a little about the shame, guilt, and anxiety that come after a relapse.
Second, what I call divorce talk. He brings up the subject of divorce all the time when he's drinking. In fact its one of the ways I can tell he's drinking. When he's sober he denies wanting to divorce. It's drives me crazy and makes me doubt everything in our relationship. Last night in a meeting 3 people spoke about how their fights over drinking end up with talk of divorce. Prior to my AH's descent into addiction we never talked about getting divorced. Is this common alcoholic behavior to go to such extremes all the time? I feel like we went from never fighting to me saying screw divorce, murder is my best option.
First, the disappearing acts. I get why hubby leaves when he's drinking. But why does he leave when he's detoxing? I admit in the past I was an emotional wreck and would cry, rage, scream and try to make him promise not to do it again or try to push him into rehab. So have my reactions (more like freak outs) set up this pattern of leaving? He's talked a little about the shame, guilt, and anxiety that come after a relapse.
Second, what I call divorce talk. He brings up the subject of divorce all the time when he's drinking. In fact its one of the ways I can tell he's drinking. When he's sober he denies wanting to divorce. It's drives me crazy and makes me doubt everything in our relationship. Last night in a meeting 3 people spoke about how their fights over drinking end up with talk of divorce. Prior to my AH's descent into addiction we never talked about getting divorced. Is this common alcoholic behavior to go to such extremes all the time? I feel like we went from never fighting to me saying screw divorce, murder is my best option.
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Oh and him always taking back what he says about divorce gives me hope for the relationship. I've amicably offered to work out details of the divorce but then of course thats not what he wants. I know I need to decide what I want. Its hard for me to throw in the towel on this marriage right now.
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Hi Catherine, my separated AH always spoke about the shame and guilt after he drank heavily and states that he couldn't cope with it anymore and that he continually hurt me and let me down which was one of his reasons for leaving, just an excuse. I have read here many times that the A will say anything to get you to leave him alone to drink but I understand how you feel about doubting everything in your relationship. My A came home one day drunk from drinking all night and wanting to keep drinking all day and told me he was leaving as he didn't love me anymore. He came home the next day and said he didn't mean it.
It's hard to know what is true with addiction and what is manipulation. What are you doing for you to help you understand addiction and cope with a disease that destroys everything in it's path and destroys you and your self confidence??
It's hard to know what is true with addiction and what is manipulation. What are you doing for you to help you understand addiction and cope with a disease that destroys everything in it's path and destroys you and your self confidence??
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I think I have to just not listen when he is drinking. Actions not words. Its obvious when he drinks. He hits the vodka hard and scares the crap out of me.
I go to al anon, read the literature, go to counseling. I'm the kind of person who wants everything figured out now. Its hard for me to give this time but I don't want to rush into any decisions I will regret later.
I go to al anon, read the literature, go to counseling. I'm the kind of person who wants everything figured out now. Its hard for me to give this time but I don't want to rush into any decisions I will regret later.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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It took me a long time to understand that if all the hatred that came put of his mouth during a binge was meaningless, so were the denials and apologies that came after. I used to put so much stock into what he said afterward while trying to ignore what he said during. Really all of it was meaningless noise, but I wanted so much to believe that he was going to snap out of it and see the light and get better that I let myself get sucked in time and again.
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Ladyscribbler I behaved the same hanging onto his every word after a binge desperately wanting to believe his promises but knowing deep down inside he would never follow through but I hoped he would wake up one day and see what he was destroying that day never came.
Catherine I learned early on here that words are meaningless it's the actions that count. And like you I want everything sorted now I'm not very patient but I am learning.
Do you have somewhere to go when he is drinking and you are scared or if you need to get out quickly?
Catherine I learned early on here that words are meaningless it's the actions that count. And like you I want everything sorted now I'm not very patient but I am learning.
Do you have somewhere to go when he is drinking and you are scared or if you need to get out quickly?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Hi Catherine,
My AH has similar patterns. After a binge (and the latest was pretty much a solid month; does that count as a binge???) he goes into serious withdrawal and has said numerous times that he prefers to do this alone because a) he feels wretched and b) it's not pretty, and fairly undignified. So I kind of understand the disappearing act. That may not make it any easier, but I'm not sure I would want anyone to see me like that, particularly if you have to face that person day in day out, and have any recollection of the things that have been said while in drink.
And so onto your second point. For something to be said, it has to come from somewhere. Alcohol loosens the tongue as well as the inhibitions, and those thoughts and comments may be with him, perhaps subconsciously. If you want the marriage to survive, this may be worth exploring with a counsellor? Provided your H is able to be honest and candid? In sobriety we may have many ugly or unkind thoughts; we all do. But the sober generally have the wherewithal to keep a lid on it, at least until they are fully processed thoughts or rational/immutable conclusions. The drunk have no such faculty in my experience. Don't be hurt by these statements; I think they come as part of the package and you need to see through them. It is not a reflection on you. But might be something to add to the mix in your eventual decision making?
I hope your AH is open to support and counselling. Mine, unfortunately, wasn't and things eventually reached the inevitable (and expensive!) conclusion.
L x
My AH has similar patterns. After a binge (and the latest was pretty much a solid month; does that count as a binge???) he goes into serious withdrawal and has said numerous times that he prefers to do this alone because a) he feels wretched and b) it's not pretty, and fairly undignified. So I kind of understand the disappearing act. That may not make it any easier, but I'm not sure I would want anyone to see me like that, particularly if you have to face that person day in day out, and have any recollection of the things that have been said while in drink.
And so onto your second point. For something to be said, it has to come from somewhere. Alcohol loosens the tongue as well as the inhibitions, and those thoughts and comments may be with him, perhaps subconsciously. If you want the marriage to survive, this may be worth exploring with a counsellor? Provided your H is able to be honest and candid? In sobriety we may have many ugly or unkind thoughts; we all do. But the sober generally have the wherewithal to keep a lid on it, at least until they are fully processed thoughts or rational/immutable conclusions. The drunk have no such faculty in my experience. Don't be hurt by these statements; I think they come as part of the package and you need to see through them. It is not a reflection on you. But might be something to add to the mix in your eventual decision making?
I hope your AH is open to support and counselling. Mine, unfortunately, wasn't and things eventually reached the inevitable (and expensive!) conclusion.
L x
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So have my reactions (more like freak outs) set up this pattern of leaving?
It's drives me crazy and makes me doubt everything in our relationship.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
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Yes we are planning to live separately. Could very well be that we are both doing what we've always done. I think counseling would be helpful. I keep trying to understand his behavior and I probably never will.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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The word "why" has caused me a lot of pain. There are no answers to that. Breakups even with non-drinkers are confusing and leave lots of questions. Add alcoholic delusion and there is no reason to expect answers ever.
I didn't know the backstory about the incident in December. No way I would have come back.
It's not going to get better while he is drinking and neither of you is recovering.
I didn't know the backstory about the incident in December. No way I would have come back.
It's not going to get better while he is drinking and neither of you is recovering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
In December a neighbor saw another woman in the driveway of our family home.
It really seems if I want the drama to end I must leave him for good. I do keep getting sucked in. One day at a time and I will get where I need to be....hopefully.
It really seems if I want the drama to end I must leave him for good. I do keep getting sucked in. One day at a time and I will get where I need to be....hopefully.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
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You will get there Catherine as long as you focus on what's best for you and not what's best for him, he's made his choice.
The whys drove me nuts and still do at times it has been pointed out to me on this forum that I was and am trying to make sense of a senseless disease. The only thing I can make sense of is me and my kids and how I feel and what I do.
Baby steps Catherine you will come through this.
The whys drove me nuts and still do at times it has been pointed out to me on this forum that I was and am trying to make sense of a senseless disease. The only thing I can make sense of is me and my kids and how I feel and what I do.
Baby steps Catherine you will come through this.
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