new, so lost
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
new, so lost
Hi all
I'm new and trying to deal with my AH. He's been drinking for about 10 years now, we've been married for 19. We have two kids, 15 years and 2 years.
Last week, he got drunk. When he gets drunk, we fight. It's always something I do wrong, and then the yelling and the swearing and the names start. I had told him I wanted to work on getting out of debt. Good, right? Nope. Somehow that was taken wrong and because he was drunk, it was a huge fight. I said that this would be the last one, it was decision time in the morning. In the middle of the night, he woke me up and asked me to go to an open meeting with him, told me he needed my support, he couldn't do it alone. So i went. It was his first meeting in a couple years.
He hasn't drank all week. I have tried to be supportive and understanding, but he's been very hard to live with. Tonight he was "venting" to me about our 15 year old and how frustrated he was. Knowing frustration leads to drinking, i asked if he thought he should go to a meeting.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say. Apparently I'm supposed to be "silently" supportive. Understand what he's going thru but not say a word. So many rules and i do them all wrong.
Our daughter heard us again. She's bawling. Our2 year old son is sleeping, thank God, usually he hears his daddy yelling and calling me names and throwing things. To clarify, he wasn't drinking tonight but sure behaved like he was.
So why have I stayed? One, i can't afford to leave. It's very expensive here, i have a good job I cant leave, and I can't afford a place on my own. Two, i love him. Cliche, but I love who is he when he's not drinking or angry. Three, pride. My mom is going thru a nervous breakdown, this would set her over the edge. - I'm the "good child" who always made the right decisions. My family would be so upset. My coworkers would be shocked. I'm not exaggerating
So where do I go from here? I can't go down that rabbit hole again. Icant deal with his anger and self destruction. If i left, that would be it. There would be no going back, at least for him. Our daughter has told me she would never forgive me. I've tried All Anon, they are all in their senior years and talk about who upset them at coffee that morning. They have all either divorced their spouses 20 years ago or their spouses are dead. I'm going to a counselor but can only go every two to three weeks for 45 mins at a time. It's not helping. She just nods. I'm getting a new one in a couple weeks. It's EAP thru work so I have to take what they give me, and our 2 year old doesn't allow for many outings. Esp because AH travels for work and it's just me and the kids a lot.
Ive rambled, thank you for listening. I'm so lost, i don't know where to turn anymore. I have no one I can trust.
I'm new and trying to deal with my AH. He's been drinking for about 10 years now, we've been married for 19. We have two kids, 15 years and 2 years.
Last week, he got drunk. When he gets drunk, we fight. It's always something I do wrong, and then the yelling and the swearing and the names start. I had told him I wanted to work on getting out of debt. Good, right? Nope. Somehow that was taken wrong and because he was drunk, it was a huge fight. I said that this would be the last one, it was decision time in the morning. In the middle of the night, he woke me up and asked me to go to an open meeting with him, told me he needed my support, he couldn't do it alone. So i went. It was his first meeting in a couple years.
He hasn't drank all week. I have tried to be supportive and understanding, but he's been very hard to live with. Tonight he was "venting" to me about our 15 year old and how frustrated he was. Knowing frustration leads to drinking, i asked if he thought he should go to a meeting.
Well, that was the wrong thing to say. Apparently I'm supposed to be "silently" supportive. Understand what he's going thru but not say a word. So many rules and i do them all wrong.
Our daughter heard us again. She's bawling. Our2 year old son is sleeping, thank God, usually he hears his daddy yelling and calling me names and throwing things. To clarify, he wasn't drinking tonight but sure behaved like he was.
So why have I stayed? One, i can't afford to leave. It's very expensive here, i have a good job I cant leave, and I can't afford a place on my own. Two, i love him. Cliche, but I love who is he when he's not drinking or angry. Three, pride. My mom is going thru a nervous breakdown, this would set her over the edge. - I'm the "good child" who always made the right decisions. My family would be so upset. My coworkers would be shocked. I'm not exaggerating
So where do I go from here? I can't go down that rabbit hole again. Icant deal with his anger and self destruction. If i left, that would be it. There would be no going back, at least for him. Our daughter has told me she would never forgive me. I've tried All Anon, they are all in their senior years and talk about who upset them at coffee that morning. They have all either divorced their spouses 20 years ago or their spouses are dead. I'm going to a counselor but can only go every two to three weeks for 45 mins at a time. It's not helping. She just nods. I'm getting a new one in a couple weeks. It's EAP thru work so I have to take what they give me, and our 2 year old doesn't allow for many outings. Esp because AH travels for work and it's just me and the kids a lot.
Ive rambled, thank you for listening. I'm so lost, i don't know where to turn anymore. I have no one I can trust.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Well, soverylost, you can trust folks here at SR. We've all been around the block w/alcoholism, and some have doubtless been in your same shoes. Glad you found us here.
For starters, I'd suggest you read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful information there.
I'm sorry your experience w/Alanon was not helpful. If there is a different meeting you can try, I'd suggest that. They are NOT all the same, by any means. Also, I'd like to reinforce that Alanon is all about and for YOU--not about the A or how to get him to stop drinking. You might want to look up some Alanon literature (your library may have some, and Amazon carries a ton of it) for yourself, whether you find a different meeting or not.
I understand your anger and your feeling trapped. You list a number of reasons that YOU can't change anything--"good child", don't want to leave your job, daughter "will never forgive you", etc. Your AH clearly doesn't want to change, either. That doesn't leave you in a very good spot.
Again, glad you made it here, and I hope as you continue to read and post you start to see your path more clearly.
For starters, I'd suggest you read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of useful information there.
I'm sorry your experience w/Alanon was not helpful. If there is a different meeting you can try, I'd suggest that. They are NOT all the same, by any means. Also, I'd like to reinforce that Alanon is all about and for YOU--not about the A or how to get him to stop drinking. You might want to look up some Alanon literature (your library may have some, and Amazon carries a ton of it) for yourself, whether you find a different meeting or not.
I understand your anger and your feeling trapped. You list a number of reasons that YOU can't change anything--"good child", don't want to leave your job, daughter "will never forgive you", etc. Your AH clearly doesn't want to change, either. That doesn't leave you in a very good spot.
Again, glad you made it here, and I hope as you continue to read and post you start to see your path more clearly.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I hope knowing others have been and are in the same spot that you are helps and makes you not feel so all alone. It is hard to reach out for help and support, but you are worth it. Blessings.... keep reading. Keep getting stronger... for nobody but you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Sorry you had a bad experience with al anon. I know what you mean about the old people. I kept trying meetings until I met young moms. There are online meetings too.
Probably the most helpful thing I learned on my journey so far is: Don't argue with a drunk. It gets you nowhere and just invites more chaos in. My husband would pick fights to justify drinking (my wife is a b*!ch, now I have to drink). Its extremely hard for me not to take his bait but I'm learning to not engage in ANY conversations with him when he's drunk. I'll give simple answers and keep my tone neutral. I read, do housework, play games on my phone, hang out with the kids to keep from arguing. Sometimes he follows me around trying to argue and he becomes very agitated. I take the kids and leave at that point. Its very hurtful and scary for our kids to hear us fighting.
We are going to separate and I'm terrified for many of the same reasons you list. But if I keep doing the same things I'll keep getting the same results. I need a healthy life and time will tell how big a role my husband is able to have in it.
Good luck to you. This is a great place for support.
Probably the most helpful thing I learned on my journey so far is: Don't argue with a drunk. It gets you nowhere and just invites more chaos in. My husband would pick fights to justify drinking (my wife is a b*!ch, now I have to drink). Its extremely hard for me not to take his bait but I'm learning to not engage in ANY conversations with him when he's drunk. I'll give simple answers and keep my tone neutral. I read, do housework, play games on my phone, hang out with the kids to keep from arguing. Sometimes he follows me around trying to argue and he becomes very agitated. I take the kids and leave at that point. Its very hurtful and scary for our kids to hear us fighting.
We are going to separate and I'm terrified for many of the same reasons you list. But if I keep doing the same things I'll keep getting the same results. I need a healthy life and time will tell how big a role my husband is able to have in it.
Good luck to you. This is a great place for support.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi soverylost welcome to SR. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think it's a good idea that you've changed counsellor you need someone to talk to about what is a very difficult situation at home. I agree with honeypig, read everything you can and the stickies at the top of the forum are brilliant and may help you learn to detach from the situation.
It's important that you start to focus on you, he clearly doesn't want to stop drinking so you it's important that you learn to do things for you.
You will get lots of support here.
It's important that you start to focus on you, he clearly doesn't want to stop drinking so you it's important that you learn to do things for you.
You will get lots of support here.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
I'm the good child, too, sovery lost, and people were shocked when they found out about my AH, which they did when he needed a liver transplant. They were even more shocked when I kicked him out a few months ago.
It sounds like you're staying for everybody ELSE-- your mom couldn't handle it, your teenager can't handle it if you leave.
But what about YOU? I finally made him leave after 44 years. Believe me, it doesn't get any easier with time. It sounds as if your teen is already miserable and your little one is conditioned to grow up accepting screaming and throwing things as normal behavior.
Leaving isn't always the right answer; staying might be the right answer for you. But definitely keep trying different meetings or counselors until you find one that can help you learn the coping skills to deal with this.
And keep checking in here; you will learn a lot and get a lot of support.
It sounds like you're staying for everybody ELSE-- your mom couldn't handle it, your teenager can't handle it if you leave.
But what about YOU? I finally made him leave after 44 years. Believe me, it doesn't get any easier with time. It sounds as if your teen is already miserable and your little one is conditioned to grow up accepting screaming and throwing things as normal behavior.
Leaving isn't always the right answer; staying might be the right answer for you. But definitely keep trying different meetings or counselors until you find one that can help you learn the coping skills to deal with this.
And keep checking in here; you will learn a lot and get a lot of support.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by soverylost 
Hi all
So why have I stayed? One, i can't afford to leave. It's very expensive here, i have a good job I cant leave, and I can't afford a place on my own. Two, i love him. Cliche, but I love who is he when he's not drinking or angry. Three, pride. My mom is going thru a nervous breakdown, this would set her over the edge. - I'm the "good child" who always made the right decisions. My family would be so upset. My coworkers would be shocked. I'm not exaggerating
So where do I go from here? I can't go down that rabbit hole again. Icant deal with his anger and self destruction. If i left, that would be it. There would be no going back, at least for him. Our daughter has told me she would never forgive me. I
So why have I stayed? One, i can't afford to leave. It's very expensive here, i have a good job I cant leave, and I can't afford a place on my own. Two, i love him. Cliche, but I love who is he when he's not drinking or angry. Three, pride. My mom is going thru a nervous breakdown, this would set her over the edge. - I'm the "good child" who always made the right decisions. My family would be so upset. My coworkers would be shocked. I'm not exaggerating
So where do I go from here? I can't go down that rabbit hole again. Icant deal with his anger and self destruction. If i left, that would be it. There would be no going back, at least for him. Our daughter has told me she would never forgive me. I
Figuring out what to do in an A relationship takes some time. The best you can do is to educate yourself about the disease first and then take baby steps from there about what you are going to do about it.
What stands out to me in your post is that you have "jailed" yourself into this relationship. Making decisions about your relationship and how you are going to live your life based on the happiness of others is damn*ing yourself to an unhappy life most especially when the problem is that you are living with an alcoholic. We codies perceive that the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and the happiness of others dependent on the choices that we make in our lives. The truth is we are not that powerful, nor that special.
We all have choices we choose not to see them because change is difficult and if we limit those choices by saying "can't because if I do the world will end" then we don't' have to make them.
I am not suggesting that the end result here is divorce. But until you open all your options you do not have any power in this relationship.
As for your kids, growing up in an alcoholic home is detrimental to their emotional and physical well being. Your daughter is crying, your husband is yelling, calling you names, and throwing things. Not good. Is this an environment that is healthy for anyone to live in? No. Is this what you want your children to compute as "normal"?
post often and read as much as you can. We are a great support group and are here for you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi lost, when you say you and your husband 'fight' when he's drinking, do you mean you walk on eggshells and he goes off at the slightest thing, or is it a mutual thing? As Catherine said, you don't get anywhere arguing with a drunk.
I know it looks like you're trapped, but what is holding you there? The expectations of others are not your business, unless you're so much in love with being the good girl that you can't stop.
It's a lot to take on board, but your husband is being abusive towards you, and it's damaging the children. I don't think your mother would like you to go on living that way if she knew, but regardless, she's an adult.
I know it looks like you're trapped, but what is holding you there? The expectations of others are not your business, unless you're so much in love with being the good girl that you can't stop.
It's a lot to take on board, but your husband is being abusive towards you, and it's damaging the children. I don't think your mother would like you to go on living that way if she knew, but regardless, she's an adult.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I am very sorry for everything you are going through Soverylost.
Figuring out what to do in an A relationship takes some time. The best you can do is to educate yourself about the disease first and then take baby steps from there about what you are going to do about it.
What stands out to me in your post is that you have "jailed" yourself into this relationship. Making decisions about your relationship and how you are going to live your life based on the happiness of others is damn*ing yourself to an unhappy life most especially when the problem is that you are living with an alcoholic. We codies perceive that the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and the happiness of others dependent on the choices that we make inb our lives. The truth is we are not that powerful, nor that special.
We all have choices we choose not to see them because change is difficult and if we limit those choices by saying "can't because if I do the world will end" then we don't' have to make them.
I am not suggesting that the end result here is divorce. But until you open all your options you do not have any power in this relationship.
As for your kids, growing up in an alcoholic home is detrimental to their emotional and physical well being. Your daughter is crying, your husband is yelling, calling you names, and throwing things. Not good. Is this an environment that is healthy for anyone to live in? No. Is this what you want your children to compute as "normal"?
post often and read as much as you can. We are a great support group and are here for you.
Figuring out what to do in an A relationship takes some time. The best you can do is to educate yourself about the disease first and then take baby steps from there about what you are going to do about it.
What stands out to me in your post is that you have "jailed" yourself into this relationship. Making decisions about your relationship and how you are going to live your life based on the happiness of others is damn*ing yourself to an unhappy life most especially when the problem is that you are living with an alcoholic. We codies perceive that the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and the happiness of others dependent on the choices that we make inb our lives. The truth is we are not that powerful, nor that special.
We all have choices we choose not to see them because change is difficult and if we limit those choices by saying "can't because if I do the world will end" then we don't' have to make them.
I am not suggesting that the end result here is divorce. But until you open all your options you do not have any power in this relationship.
As for your kids, growing up in an alcoholic home is detrimental to their emotional and physical well being. Your daughter is crying, your husband is yelling, calling you names, and throwing things. Not good. Is this an environment that is healthy for anyone to live in? No. Is this what you want your children to compute as "normal"?
post often and read as much as you can. We are a great support group and are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thank you for the welcome. I so greatly appreciate it and especially being able to finally talk to people who understand.
Yes, i do fight back when he drinks. I know better. I shouldn't. I keep silent until it gets too much and then, I'm in. I'm very guilty of that. The things he says are not very nice at all and at the time, i think I'm defending myself or explaining myself or simply not putting up with his sh*t. I need to work on that.
I guess I keep waiting for him to be the man he used to be. The one who would hold me when I was sad instead of getting mad because he thinks it's all his fault (which it isn't, sometimes I'm sad for reasons that have nothing to do with him) his self blame is amazing. We used to have these great long talks, now he doesn't want to talk at all.
My mom, i am so scared to disappoint my mom. My dad died 11 years ago and she's gone downhill since. The nervous breakdown was caused, partially, by my brother not wanting to baptise his baby, and my sister's suicide attempts 14 years ago ( she's bipolar and doing fine now) my mom cannot move past that. If i left, that would do her in.
It's a horrible place for our kids to be. I hate seeing our daughter cry, our son look at me when daddy yells. Our son doesn't understand but our daughter does. Yet I keep them in it, actively talking to him when he drinks. I feel like I deserve all the things he says.
I need to do some thinking.
Yes, i do fight back when he drinks. I know better. I shouldn't. I keep silent until it gets too much and then, I'm in. I'm very guilty of that. The things he says are not very nice at all and at the time, i think I'm defending myself or explaining myself or simply not putting up with his sh*t. I need to work on that.
I guess I keep waiting for him to be the man he used to be. The one who would hold me when I was sad instead of getting mad because he thinks it's all his fault (which it isn't, sometimes I'm sad for reasons that have nothing to do with him) his self blame is amazing. We used to have these great long talks, now he doesn't want to talk at all.
My mom, i am so scared to disappoint my mom. My dad died 11 years ago and she's gone downhill since. The nervous breakdown was caused, partially, by my brother not wanting to baptise his baby, and my sister's suicide attempts 14 years ago ( she's bipolar and doing fine now) my mom cannot move past that. If i left, that would do her in.
It's a horrible place for our kids to be. I hate seeing our daughter cry, our son look at me when daddy yells. Our son doesn't understand but our daughter does. Yet I keep them in it, actively talking to him when he drinks. I feel like I deserve all the things he says.
I need to do some thinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
To add, i actually wish we could separate. But with him, if we did, there would be no reconciliation. I knew this when we started dating. Our dating years and first almost 10 years of marriage were awesome so the fact that there are no second chances didn't bother me. Now, it's a very real thing. If i leave, that's it. It's final and that's a very hard decision to make. I want a break to think about things and work on things, but if i take it, it will have to be permanent.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lost, your mother might be struggling, but that's not down to you. It seems hard to say, but if your brother not baptising his child sends her further downhill, there's a lot more going on than external events. Been through the baptising scenario in my family BTW, everyone recovered fine and I'm sure my Mum would now look back and wonder what she was thinking.
As for 'disappointing' her, think about what you mean by that. The word disappoint implies you've let her down, but this is really about your own family and what's best for them.
As for 'disappointing' her, think about what you mean by that. The word disappoint implies you've let her down, but this is really about your own family and what's best for them.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Wow the self blame situation is awful I thought it was just my A that did that. Every time I tried to talk to him he would get annoyed as if I was blaming him and when I was low he would say it was his fault, I wonder is that because of their addiction or just who they are??
Take baby steps as it's been said before read all you can about this but make choices based on what is best for you and your sanity not others. The dd doesn't understand what is happening have you tried talking to her? I know my dd was very upset when he left but now she is angry it's a process for them aswell. But if you are happy then so will your children. Focus on you.
Take baby steps as it's been said before read all you can about this but make choices based on what is best for you and your sanity not others. The dd doesn't understand what is happening have you tried talking to her? I know my dd was very upset when he left but now she is angry it's a process for them aswell. But if you are happy then so will your children. Focus on you.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I agree with feelinggreat and would also add that it is not you who has disappointed anyone it's your husband who has disappointed you the kids and the family. When we feel that we have disappointed others if we make decisions that are good for us I think that's down to low self esteem and feelings that we are responsible for everyone else's happiness but we are not! We are responsible for our own happiness.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Butterfly
Wow the self blame situation is awful I thought it was just my A that did that. Every time I tried to talk to him he would get annoyed as if I was blaming him and when I was low he would say it was his fault, I wonder is that because of their addiction or just who they are??
Take baby steps as it's been said before read all you can about this but make choices based on what is best for you and your sanity not others. The dd doesn't understand what is happening have you tried talking to her? I know my dd was very upset when he left but now she is angry it's a process for them aswell. But if you are happy then so will your children. Focus on you.
Take baby steps as it's been said before read all you can about this but make choices based on what is best for you and your sanity not others. The dd doesn't understand what is happening have you tried talking to her? I know my dd was very upset when he left but now she is angry it's a process for them aswell. But if you are happy then so will your children. Focus on you.
Also, in my alcoholism I felt that I was pretty darn powerful and smart. It is all part of the delusion that alcohol intensified. I still think I'm smarter than I probably am
but not to any degree like I did when drinking. It's part of the family disease of being enmeshed, too. I looked for and fished for reactions a lot of the time. It was how I was raised - and the psychic pain of these types of bondage relationships causes all manner of acting out. Now I know that is just a sick manifestation of my FOO's influence and my continuing to think in ways that don't serve me. I have more power when I let go of trying to control. The power is over my life, my emotional serenity, and how I choose to live.The OP's FOO sounds very codependent - if we are raised to believe that others' behaviors are a reflection of us and let others' behaviors control us, we start thinking our behaviors control others. That is so far from the truth - but a very common family dynamic. Her mother's reactions to her siblings' actions are red flags. So is the sister's suicide attempt. The whole family is screaming for relief, and as long as they continue to base their lives on the false perception that they are in control of others - it will continue to spin out like this. Now it's playing out in the OP's own family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Interesting thinking about my FOO as mentioned above. I didn't ever think that it would have a lot of bearing in this relationship. My mom lived to serve, her husband, her parents, her children. She believes that what she does for others will be paid back to her, so as much as she serves she will be served. But i can't live up to that. My FOO was not an alcoholic one, but AH's was. My sister is bipolar, hence the suicide attempts. With the proper cocktail of meds she has done very well for the past 12 years or so. She's martied, two kids (who aren't baptized and mom won't let that go either, the oldest is 9) i have two brothers who are both doing well. All my sibs have strong, healthy marriages so somewhere I think it's just me that got messed up along the way.
Above all else, i am scared. Petrified. I cant trust anyone, been down that road and it ends badly. I know I'm codependent, I've read the book, but the last time I put those things into practice it nearly caused a divorce. My husband said I turned cold and I probably did. I shut off all emotions towards him. I have problems letting go with love.
I know i have a lot to work on. I'm exhausted and i don't want to work on it but I know i have to. Cuz no one else is. It feels so wrong to be thinking the way I am, so selfish, so heartless. So cold.
Above all else, i am scared. Petrified. I cant trust anyone, been down that road and it ends badly. I know I'm codependent, I've read the book, but the last time I put those things into practice it nearly caused a divorce. My husband said I turned cold and I probably did. I shut off all emotions towards him. I have problems letting go with love.
I know i have a lot to work on. I'm exhausted and i don't want to work on it but I know i have to. Cuz no one else is. It feels so wrong to be thinking the way I am, so selfish, so heartless. So cold.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Soverylost, doing for others, being selfless like your mother is? That works if one doesn't have the expectation that they will get repaid in kind. That is setting herself up for a fall since no one will live up to those expectations.
Giving in hopes of receiving is not spiritually sound, and as you can see has set her on the path of resentment.
If you and your husband are both playing the codependent card like it sounds, then some family counseling is definitely in order. Will he go with you? Of course, counseling is worthless while he's drinking - but you can go by yourself to get some clarity.
Giving in hopes of receiving is not spiritually sound, and as you can see has set her on the path of resentment.
If you and your husband are both playing the codependent card like it sounds, then some family counseling is definitely in order. Will he go with you? Of course, counseling is worthless while he's drinking - but you can go by yourself to get some clarity.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
The emotional trauma of this disease is exhausting I am more exhausted now than I ever was because I am constantly trying to figure things out. Remember one day at a time!!
You are not selfish, heartless or cold you are trying to understand what has happened to your loving husband, I am sorry but addiction took over and only your husband can come back from this
You said your husband said you turned cold when you were trying to detach. Maybe you weren't cold maybe you just were giving into him and enabling him to drink. Maybe by you not reacting to him didn't cause arguments and didn't give him an excuse to leave or drink more. Addicts always try to turn things around.
It's natural to feel scared and doubt who you can trust your whole world has been shaken to the core but in time you will realise you feel less scared and start trusting again. Do you have any good friends you can talk to, it helps you have nothing to be ashamed of. When this happened to me I was ashamed and thought people would somehow blame me so I kept it all to myself until I found SR. I am no longer ashamed and have been honest with people about why he left. His choices have no reflection on me and your husbands choices have no reflection on you!!
We are all co dependent on here or have been at some point but we learn how not to be slowly I have to say because I am still co dependent and learning. Recovery is a long and slow journey for us to and you will get there. Please make choices for you though.
You are not selfish, heartless or cold you are trying to understand what has happened to your loving husband, I am sorry but addiction took over and only your husband can come back from this
You said your husband said you turned cold when you were trying to detach. Maybe you weren't cold maybe you just were giving into him and enabling him to drink. Maybe by you not reacting to him didn't cause arguments and didn't give him an excuse to leave or drink more. Addicts always try to turn things around.
It's natural to feel scared and doubt who you can trust your whole world has been shaken to the core but in time you will realise you feel less scared and start trusting again. Do you have any good friends you can talk to, it helps you have nothing to be ashamed of. When this happened to me I was ashamed and thought people would somehow blame me so I kept it all to myself until I found SR. I am no longer ashamed and have been honest with people about why he left. His choices have no reflection on me and your husbands choices have no reflection on you!!
We are all co dependent on here or have been at some point but we learn how not to be slowly I have to say because I am still co dependent and learning. Recovery is a long and slow journey for us to and you will get there. Please make choices for you though.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
We did try counseling. It went very well, we were on a good road. And then, in the middle of a drinking spell, i called our counselor and left a message to make an appointment. I was crying, and she called him to ask why I was upset. That was the end of the counselling.
I have told three other people. Two of them did nothing but get angry with me (one left her husband and wanted me to move in to a place with her so she pushed and pushed when i didnt want to do that) the third is very religious and said she'd pray for us, but beyond that she didn't want to listen. I'm tired of people being upset and angry with me, i just wanted a shoulder. So now, i just keep it inside.
I have told three other people. Two of them did nothing but get angry with me (one left her husband and wanted me to move in to a place with her so she pushed and pushed when i didnt want to do that) the third is very religious and said she'd pray for us, but beyond that she didn't want to listen. I'm tired of people being upset and angry with me, i just wanted a shoulder. So now, i just keep it inside.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((soverylost)))
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. There is help from caring people who understand at your local domestic violence center. I normalized what was going on and didn't see it as emotional abuse for a very long time. Once I was open to that and started researching it, healing started.
The National Hotline is 1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Our local program has group counseling and some individual sessions available. Picking up the phone and calling or walking into a center can be hard, yet it can be mentally empowering. Just knowing there was help and that I was capable of reaching out helped me immensely. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with that Alanon group. I've been to five different groups and there's only one I didn't care for much. It often helps me with having in-person support from others who understand, and I find it gets me out of my own problems for a short amount of time. There always seems to be some good nugget of information I take with me, though sometimes I don't realize it until days afterwards.
Licensed Addictions Counselors have also been very helpful for me. They sometimes understand what I'm going through better than I do.
Keep reaching out. It took me a long time to find the kind of support that has helped me with my recovery. Knowing where the support isn't is a start. Keep looking and you will find it.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Emotional and verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. There is help from caring people who understand at your local domestic violence center. I normalized what was going on and didn't see it as emotional abuse for a very long time. Once I was open to that and started researching it, healing started.
The National Hotline is 1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Our local program has group counseling and some individual sessions available. Picking up the phone and calling or walking into a center can be hard, yet it can be mentally empowering. Just knowing there was help and that I was capable of reaching out helped me immensely. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with that Alanon group. I've been to five different groups and there's only one I didn't care for much. It often helps me with having in-person support from others who understand, and I find it gets me out of my own problems for a short amount of time. There always seems to be some good nugget of information I take with me, though sometimes I don't realize it until days afterwards.
Licensed Addictions Counselors have also been very helpful for me. They sometimes understand what I'm going through better than I do.
Keep reaching out. It took me a long time to find the kind of support that has helped me with my recovery. Knowing where the support isn't is a start. Keep looking and you will find it.
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