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ALWAYS the parents fault?

Old 08-10-2014, 08:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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cazzap....I can see how much you are suffering from your feelings of guilt. I think all us mothers can identify with you, in this respect!

I agree with you that this is majorly driven by her addiction. Even if there are other dynamics going on with her.....she can never get to them until the alcoholism is dealt with.

As you read the stories here...you will see that her behaviors mirror the same things that the other alcoholics do. Attacking, blame shifting, exaggerated sense of entitlement, tons and tons of denial, disregarding how her behavior is affecting her family, demanding that you keep her secrets.

Personally, I don't think that you should keep this a secret from the rest of the family--you don't have to go out of your way with gory details---but, I don't see how you can keep this from family without lying.
I have always used the "need to know" principle---share with those who have a need to know.

cazzap...this is so stressful for you....do you have any support? Like a counselor or alanon?

I feel that you could use the principles of alanon--or other such group to help with establishing boundaries and dealing with your own feelings.

Her walking on you and pulling your heart out is not helping her one bit and it certainly is hurting you...a lot. Alcoholics can make mincemeat of us...if we let them.

You don't sound like a bad mom, to me. You may not have been perfect--but, there are none of us perfect.
You express a lot of concern and love for your children...and you are aware of where you might have fell short, in the past. But, your willingness to admit that and to want to make it up to them is proof that YOU CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN.

You are not a bad mother...in my opinion. You are a hurting, loving, mother who needs some help.

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Old 08-10-2014, 08:37 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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WHY do I need support from the family?

Because I will be caring for my Grandson who has special needs on my own full time for many months

WHY will I be caring for my Grandson full time?

Because my daughter is an alcoholic

WHY is my daughter an alcoholic?

I do not know , all I know is IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!
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Old 08-11-2014, 07:10 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cazzap06 View Post
ladyscribbler , if I directed ALL queries at my daughter , never got help for myself from the family when things got TOUGH ( yes therefore exposing her drinking ) I think I would have cracked up by now!!!

So I keep it all bottled up inside , nobody knows apart from me , its my dirty little secret I share with no one ( I WAS at this place at one point and nearly cracked up! )

I have been under prolonged stress as well as try and deal with the 3 bereavements and what is wrong with getting through things together as a family? I need support but how can I say I need a break from looking after my Grandson full time and ask a family member to babysit when they are not even aware that I have him full time and I never ask them to babysit , my daughter would if needed , not me usually and I don't feel COMFORTABLE lying to them or not getting a support network in place for her for when things get tough and I have a feeling things are going to get A LOT tougher before things get better AN I DON'T WANT HER TO BE ALL ALONE

Even if they ask if there is anything they can do to help or say ''I am here if you need me'' it HELPS even if she doesn't take them up on their offer , it shows people care and it's nice to know people care and are there for you if needed xx

Anyway , I feel like I'm getting it all wrong , just want my family back together and to have the families support when I care for my grandson full time but if I am that **** a Mum maybe he should go to a foster family and I bail from my family completely?
People don't need to know every single detail for you to ask for help. I didn't mean to isolate yourself, but when people start asking for specific details about your daughter's situation, you can tell them to ask her. Have you thought about counseling for yourself? I find it to be a good way to vent to an impartial stranger who is bound to keep things in confidence.
Sorry if I was unclear in my previous post. I know you're going through a lot right now, and the added stress of being a go between for your daughter and the rest of the family seems like an unnecessary burden on you.
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Old 08-11-2014, 06:47 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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If I may toss in my .02 worth.

I come from a family of crazy people. Alcoholics, addicts, wife beaters, pedophiliacs, child abusers. I can't imagine a horror these people have _not_ commited, and I have a _wild_ imagination.

My parent were responsible for the actions they commited, but nothing else. Other people did harmful things to me, and those actions go on _those_ people, not my parents.

I ran away from home at an early age. _That_ was my parents fault. In my late teens I started drinking, that was _my_ choice and _my_ fault. My parents did _not_ hold me down and shove booze down my throat.

The only thing I can blame on my family is my childhood. Once I was no longer a child I had the freedom of choice. How I chose to use that freedom is _my_ fault. I chose to be an irresponsible drunk, and later on I chose to become a sober person in recovery. I _never_ became anywhere near as bad as my parents, not even close. But I was heading in that direction.

From what you have shared I do _not_ see anything wrong it what you have done as a Mom. You clearly _love_ your daughter, and your grandson. You clearly have done the best you can. To ask anything more of any human being is, in my opinion, just a disguised form of abuse.

No, it's _not_ your fault, and anybody who tells you otherwise needs to get a life.

Mike
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Old 08-12-2014, 06:32 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Both of late husband's parents were tea-totalers. (I guess his dad might have had about a half dozen drinks in his whole life.)

In 25 years, Late alcoholic husband did the dishes maybe a handful of times. He declared he had never seen his father do the dishes. So the worst thing I can say about his parents is that they taught him men shouldn't do dishes.
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