A long road - Part 2

Old 08-12-2014, 05:03 PM
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chicory......well, it looks like he doesn't "get" the reality of it, yet. I doubt that he will as long as the internet is still active. He probably can't really visualize that you would go that far.....since you have never been that firm with him , before. The day it goes off, I would suggest staying out of the house as much as possible. It might be a good idea for family or friends to "just pop in" for short visits while you are there---really, to dampen his acting out.

You sound focused and determined.

By next wednesday...do you mean tomorrow?

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Old 08-12-2014, 05:46 PM
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please don't allow him to BULLY an THREATEN you...ask for help, your son in law can step in where the crisis center is too slow. you need someone to tell him how it is, not how he can push you around. really, be careful and do not let him get near you.

I worry and do not like the way he is acting towards you with such disrespect.

LMF once punched me (at age 16) and cracked my rib.
I jumped over the coffee table and punched back.....it was not a pretty mommy moment...but I was much younger and agile.
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Old 08-12-2014, 07:07 PM
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Hugs and prayers (((chicory)))
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Old 08-12-2014, 08:45 PM
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Of course, on his terms, he came to me tonight and asked for the name of the place, and I believe he is resigned to go. If he wasn't so mentally screwed up I would tell him forget it, but i really want him to go.
I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I may not have internet by afternoon, but I will manage to get here to keep everyone informed. I am not really afraid, as he won't do anything as long as another person is on the phone with me, even.

I am seeing my T a week after tomorrow. I did not want to tie up tomorrow , because of having to probably shop for my new tablet, daughter will be taking me around for a good deal

Somewhere inside me, I believe he would like help. I know I might be wrong, but I have seen things and I think he might just appreciate having someone to understand him... we cannot talk...its very unhealthy and frustrating.

hoping this is all going to have at least one little bit of good come from it...

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Old 08-12-2014, 08:54 PM
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Chicory - I have a family member that sounds very similar to your son. Everyone enabled him with a rent free place, new cars, money, etc. Then one day, his dad had enough! It didn't end pretty but it ended.

He went out on his own that day, got and kept a job and eventually married. He is still some what estranged from the family but he is happy, living the life he wants. Just wanted to share my ES&H.

Ps. He refused all help but once he went out on his own, he actually did much better then anyone expected.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:01 PM
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Thanks LMN. I think he would leave in a heartbeat if he had a car, money, and friends who could take him in. But he is pretty much stuck, and I cannot put him out to be homeless. I tried that once, and won't go that route.
I am taking the long way...lol...

It really helps to read about others who have had this sort of experience. It gives me something to compare this to.

I am glad your family member found happiness. That is just wonderful. I could only hope my son could be that sane, as to be able to make it. Who knows, my next adventure may be getting strong enough to throw him out.. heaven knows I hope not! but I plan on not fixing things as much, less and less, and make things more and more uncomfortable.

I do not think he believes in his self. maybe my fault Heaven help us.

and thank you for sharing! It helps.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:19 PM
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Oh he didn't take his car, he had no job, and did about $15,000 worth of damage with a baseball bat to his father's rental apartment before he left on foot. He destroyed the plumbing too.

No one in the family was going to help him. He rented a room by the week until he got more established. He started with delivering pizzas and went from there.
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:54 AM
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Chic, your son can get a job anytime he wants and pay for internet as you said.
As I said before, mcdonalds, walmart, pizza delivery, busboy, dishwasher...do not require CIA security clearance.
Enjoy your new tablet.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:33 AM
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Chicory......good luck, today. Will be thinking of you.....

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Old 08-13-2014, 10:10 AM
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I hummed and haaa d at this post, i know i should not ask, and i dont want to hurt you...but i gotta ask

whats with your guilt? what do you feel guilty for?


it seems to me you have alot of guilt when it comes to him...why?

***i am sorry if this is a stupid question but my mom has guilt with me...(she has lots..)we talk alot, now that i am in AL ANON. I told my mom, i am fine, if it wasnt for what BACK BONE she had with me growing up...i would not survive my husbands death...i am a strond, independent woman...mom thinks she was too hard on me and not ENOUGH on my brother....[part of my drunks in her family] this is part of my story of the As in my life***
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:08 PM
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I hope he makes and keeps the appt.
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:16 PM
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If I have guilt, it is because of things were not ideal when my kids were young. I did not ask the things of him that I expected from the girls. He seemed to struggle , or be impatient, or not be able to focus on things , so I did for him, instead of being like your mom, I was not hard enough on him. I feel guilt in that I think it may have crippled him, in many ways. No one can come on here and poohpooh that, because they were not there, and in a few paragraphs, I cannot convey what it was like for us when they were young.
My girls are strong independent women too. I am not at all sure that he does not have mental illness, so that hurts too.


Today was very ugly, as was yesterday. He did call the mental health clinic back and spoke with the lady there and I gather they had a good conversation. She wants us to come to talk about why we do not see eye to eye on this matter. I spoke with her this morning, before he called her this afternoon. I did tell her some about the situation, and that he was not going to be forthcoming with any admissions of responsibility. She said that a lot of people are that way and the counselors realize that.

So I wonder if what she said to him was just a bit of schmoozing him into coming in? I guess we will go in sometime this week, with his id, insurance card, and make an appt. I was not home today, to do so. It was so ugly this morning, and I wanted to leave to find an internet device, which is turning out to be much more complicated than I thought. My situation here is a bit different, what with having to deal with a rage aholic, I don't want him to know I have a tablet if that is the way I go. I scheduled the internet to be turned off Friday... I plan to not be here when that happens. If he gets to raging at me, I will be calling the mental health crisis 911 line, to come and visit.

I went ahead with scheduling the turn off, because i have no faith that he is going to cooperate, and i am tired of waiting for him to do so. I don't have much faith that he will agree to anything, until he finds his self without internet, and then he will just hate my guts, as he said this morning among other lovely things, which he did call and apologize for.. it was just bad.

It has been the hardest time I have gone through. four divorces and this is h arder by far. it is heartbreaking to wonder if your grown child has a mental illness or if he is just a super azz####, mean, nasty, selfish, lazy, etc.

I am telling myself that this will bring about something good. Even though I am feeling sick at my stomach, from the arguing, which is so hard to avoid, and dread of his temper, and fear that he is just mentally unbalanced. No one else would help him, and it hurts to think that maybe there will be no happy ending. Just very hard to do. Maybe others could do something like this more easily, but we are all different.

fourmaggie, I dont have your backbone. and that makes things very hard for me. but i am going forward, but hating every step. just trying to have faith .
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:25 PM
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Praying for your peace of mind.
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:27 PM
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One day at a time Chicory! That's all we can do. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:35 PM
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Chic, I just caught up here and am keeping my prayers out for you and your son. I can only imagine how hard all this is for you.
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Old 08-13-2014, 06:59 PM
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chicory..no one expects you to be super mom..and yes to each of our children
requiring different needs..if we were to generalize,it would mean that our children
didn't have an identity.. really how rigid and controlling. You are doing the best
you can..and with the skills learned at each stage ..no guilt is necessary ever!

I think you are brave to face this alone..and alone you are as the other parent
of your son appeases..instead of walking with you.he chooses to play his own
weakness with your son rather than walking a path to strength or independence.
I do so dislike how you are feeling right now and have been feeling for a long time.
Just know Chic..you have stepped into an unknown with a lot of courage..and it
will have to come to closure soon..

I wish I could know how to comfort you..I know it isn't easy..and it makes one
so..so..wanting a helping hand,one with strength..and encouragement..I am happy
Chic. that you divorced all those without this quality. it shows growth with in you
and now since you are aware and willing to take the pain of it all..somehow to me..it reflects trust in hope.

Hugs
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Old 08-13-2014, 07:14 PM
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I'm still praying for you and your son Chic. So very sorry you're having to deal with this.
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Old 08-13-2014, 07:40 PM
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You know, I dont think I could have done this much without the things I have learned, and the stories of others experiences. what normal boundaries are. hearing the courageous stories of others, makes me know I must try to do something different.

Lauren, you are helping. I also appreciate the honesty here, so I can face that this will be painful. When you have never stood up to someone and said no, and dealt with their wrath, its new territory, you are right. yes, his dad is truly a selfish person... I think I would have nightmares if I was him.

And thank you for the prayers. I think they are keeping me calmer than I would be otherwise. Keep them coming, please!

love and hugs to all.
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Old 08-13-2014, 08:24 PM
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Chicory - please know you are doing the most loving for your son. None of us will live forever and he really needs to be able to take care of himself sooner or later. Hopefully sooner, for both of his and your sake.

P.S. Guilt and shame are pointless emotions! Give them to God and let them go. That took a lot of practice for me!!
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Old 08-14-2014, 03:56 AM
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hey Chic, hang on there, overthinking might be contributing to your anxiety. It's YOUR house, you do what is needed. He is simply throwing a tantrum and not getting his way.

I'm sorry that you are finding a tablet difficult, it offers you portable options, buying one should not be a big deal, I went to Best Buy and picked the young salesman's brain, he spent time showing me how to do things, then I ordered it from amazon, cheaper and at the time, no tax....accessories much cheaper too.

it's not your son's business how you spend your hard earned money, he certainly is not contributing to the household.

you have nothing to feel guilty about, he has had a very soft life and keeping it that way won't help him or you...You have reached your saturation point, the sponge is soggy and dripping. You said enough and stayed strong, he is holding his breath waiting for you to stop him from turning blue.

He is very smart and manipulative, he is hitting below the belt with the nasty remarks, you expect that from a 12 year old not an adult. He wants what he wants, he does not see the big picture. You do.

I am sorry he is continuing to be nasty, but you have a thick layer and fur to protect you (kind of like fat Fandy, but you are not fat)...let it roll off your back and keep moving forward.
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