A long road - Part 2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: akron oh
Posts: 2
needs help
My fiance has been an alcoholic for two years, I lived with him before and left him. I was gone for ten months. Well carp he's been an alcoholic for more than two years. Well anyways I came back and he was full blown. I was the enabler , he got very sick he has cirrhosis , fatty liver, etc. I got him to the hospital just in time. He was in there 21 days. He drank after he has since went to Florida and is still blaming me for everything. He has been sober 30 days. Without a program, he says awful things to me. Help
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
hopelessly,
Welcome. I am sorry you have been going through this. Are you in an Al-anon program?
It sounds like things have been pretty stressful for you, and it sounds like he is still abusing you, verbally?
All you can do is take care of yourself... and if someone is abusive, perhaps its time to take a good hard look at what you want from a relationship.
You can post this as a new thread and get more responses, in Friends and Family of Alcoholics. Also, check out all the great information there- the 'Stickies' at the top of the page.
keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
Welcome. I am sorry you have been going through this. Are you in an Al-anon program?
It sounds like things have been pretty stressful for you, and it sounds like he is still abusing you, verbally?
All you can do is take care of yourself... and if someone is abusive, perhaps its time to take a good hard look at what you want from a relationship.
You can post this as a new thread and get more responses, in Friends and Family of Alcoholics. Also, check out all the great information there- the 'Stickies' at the top of the page.
keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Lauren))) thank you for sharing that bittersweet memory. 
I am grateful, for your brother being able finally to come to terms as best he could, with what was going on. I am glad that your family was able to understand too, and make allowances and include him lovingly . He certainly could not help what fate assigned to him.
yes, it's better here, but it is still hard for me to not get so frustrated at his thought processes. Those things don't change without enlightenment. That's my hope.. that he gets therapy. Respectful detachment, while being encouraging. working on that...
I am grateful, for your brother being able finally to come to terms as best he could, with what was going on. I am glad that your family was able to understand too, and make allowances and include him lovingly . He certainly could not help what fate assigned to him. yes, it's better here, but it is still hard for me to not get so frustrated at his thought processes. Those things don't change without enlightenment. That's my hope.. that he gets therapy. Respectful detachment, while being encouraging. working on that...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I resisted going for therapy, but once I started, I realized it was helping me and I just considered it a way to feel better, like going to the doctor when you are sick.
I did not advertise my therapy or where a sign that said I was going, I didn't tell many people, it's health care and that is private. Same for your son, he does NOT have to share his discussions with anyone, no one needs to be in his treatment except him and his doctors.
I hope he goes and realizes this. and same for you Chic, you can continue to go for therapy as your insurances covers it too.
I did not advertise my therapy or where a sign that said I was going, I didn't tell many people, it's health care and that is private. Same for your son, he does NOT have to share his discussions with anyone, no one needs to be in his treatment except him and his doctors.
I hope he goes and realizes this. and same for you Chic, you can continue to go for therapy as your insurances covers it too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
yes, thank heavens for insurance. Mine will cover just so many visits per year. but its something.
for him, its harder, as he has molina health care..a form of medicaid. or is it medicare? anyway, the free insurance provided by our government. Only a few places will take it.
he knows that it will be confidential.
for him, its harder, as he has molina health care..a form of medicaid. or is it medicare? anyway, the free insurance provided by our government. Only a few places will take it.
he knows that it will be confidential.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
My son got a job at a local place and goes for orientation tomorrow. Baby steps... just praying for him to want to do better with his life. He is pretty happy about it.
I am thankful for the improvement over a few months ago, when he would refuse to talk about even going to look for work.
He has even expressed an interest in going to school. he was so negative a while back about that even being a possibility.
so, yes, I see some progress, and am so thankful for that.
I am thankful for the improvement over a few months ago, when he would refuse to talk about even going to look for work.
He has even expressed an interest in going to school. he was so negative a while back about that even being a possibility.
so, yes, I see some progress, and am so thankful for that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Chic, that is just such good news and what wonderful progress he has made...as have you.
All I can do is cheer you on and keep saying my prayers, but it really does tickle my heart to hear good news like this.
I know this isn't the end of all his problems but it's the beginning of him taking responsibility for himself by getting a job...and that's just huge.
Hugs
All I can do is cheer you on and keep saying my prayers, but it really does tickle my heart to hear good news like this.
I know this isn't the end of all his problems but it's the beginning of him taking responsibility for himself by getting a job...and that's just huge.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I talked to him last evening about it. He does not think he needs therapy. I won't argue it, but will encourage it . It's agreed that he is saving nearly every penny for a car. winters coming, and it's quite too far to walk in weather like last year! I hear people saying its gonna be worse than last winter, but I think they are referring to the Farmers Almanac, which I am not convinced by, personally.
I want summer back. Happy first day of Autumn!
I want summer back. Happy first day of Autumn!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He has formed a goal chic, even if it takes time, a goal is a big step...getting a car, insurance, driving ( away from the nag mama) is a step forward.
Hope this works well..
Dont get me started on bad weather, ugh, summer cheated me this year.
Hope this works well..
Dont get me started on bad weather, ugh, summer cheated me this year.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lauren, Hevyn
Update, just because, keeping it honest .
I figured a power struggle would ensue, if he let other enticements draw him.. which of course would happen with a non-recovering disorder sort of person.
He started talking about getting the internet back, when he gets his paycheck. I nearly lost it, but remind myself that this is a process, I have made progress and its gonna take some good boundaries to get life to a manageable, productive and bearable state...for both of us.
I told him that the deal was for him to first get car. And that if he has money to spend on 'wants', he can spend it on the 'needs' here. If he isn't saving the money for car, I shall figure up a fair amount for his share of rent, utilities and food.
and that if he spends money on alcohol , that I shall turn the internet off totally-no sitting , drinking and doing what he used to do.
I knew there would be potholes and rough going. No surprises. but I am working on my boundaries. I guess people have to bump into them before they believe you have actually built them. lol.
I will do all I can. I told him that he did not go with my first agreement, in getting therapy. just getting evaluated wasn't the deal,, but getting counselling is still what I believe he needs. He of course disagrees. He has never been an easy one. Some things are much better, with him working, and looking for other jobs, too.
oh well, just an update... I have been sort of down, lately. but it will be alright.
hugs
Update, just because, keeping it honest .
I figured a power struggle would ensue, if he let other enticements draw him.. which of course would happen with a non-recovering disorder sort of person.
He started talking about getting the internet back, when he gets his paycheck. I nearly lost it, but remind myself that this is a process, I have made progress and its gonna take some good boundaries to get life to a manageable, productive and bearable state...for both of us.
I told him that the deal was for him to first get car. And that if he has money to spend on 'wants', he can spend it on the 'needs' here. If he isn't saving the money for car, I shall figure up a fair amount for his share of rent, utilities and food.
and that if he spends money on alcohol , that I shall turn the internet off totally-no sitting , drinking and doing what he used to do.
I knew there would be potholes and rough going. No surprises. but I am working on my boundaries. I guess people have to bump into them before they believe you have actually built them. lol.
I will do all I can. I told him that he did not go with my first agreement, in getting therapy. just getting evaluated wasn't the deal,, but getting counselling is still what I believe he needs. He of course disagrees. He has never been an easy one. Some things are much better, with him working, and looking for other jobs, too.
oh well, just an update... I have been sort of down, lately. but it will be alright.
hugs
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Chic, he has made wonderful progress, and I believe getting a job and interacting with the world again will do him a ton of good.
You are correct to keep your eye on the long game, which is for him to live independently. For that he needs to have a car, a full-time job, mental stability.
Can I suggest that once he has a small income, you charge him a correspondingly small amount for board? It won't cover your costs, but it sends an important message. I don't know how things work where you are, but would he be eligible for food stamps that he could use to contribute food for the table?
Once my daughter got a job (after studying) I charged her a tiny amount of board, just to show that as an adult she was expected to contribute. She doesn't have a mental disorder but she still had some objections! I also got her to buy her own toiletries and got her involved with the shopping, even if I paid.
Anyway, ups and downs, just like real life; your difficult actions have done more for him than any amount of yelling. He will thank you one day.
You are correct to keep your eye on the long game, which is for him to live independently. For that he needs to have a car, a full-time job, mental stability.
Can I suggest that once he has a small income, you charge him a correspondingly small amount for board? It won't cover your costs, but it sends an important message. I don't know how things work where you are, but would he be eligible for food stamps that he could use to contribute food for the table?
Once my daughter got a job (after studying) I charged her a tiny amount of board, just to show that as an adult she was expected to contribute. She doesn't have a mental disorder but she still had some objections! I also got her to buy her own toiletries and got her involved with the shopping, even if I paid.
Anyway, ups and downs, just like real life; your difficult actions have done more for him than any amount of yelling. He will thank you one day.
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