Old 01-21-2003, 07:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
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Detaching with love

That was beautiful.

But how do you detach when your alcoholic still believes you are in his life (even though you don't see them)?

Mine calls somewhat regularly, always sober, just sounding mildly depressed. He isn't rude, he doesn't fight with me. He always tells me he loves me, and sometimes just gets quiet and enjoys listening to my voice.

Family/friends are telling me he's really starting to lose friends and suffer the consequences of his behavior.

How can I "detach with love" and be kind and supportive WITHOUT cushioning him from the fall? I don't want to be an enabler.

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Old 01-21-2003, 08:32 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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dear kate,
i do believe you are detaching. i also don't believe it's an easy thing to do. i found so much simplified in the post from heels. everyday is a new day full of opputunities for all of us. i think we have to let the addict have back their life with love. i,personally think in my situation with my husband and children who choose to use, that our family illness was destroying basic morals and family values. by detaching from the illness and refusing to play a part in their use and abuse, it leaves me better able to love them. my heart has ached many times with bitterness and disappointment as i stayed in the merry-go=round of denial.
i can't tell you how to do it, but i believe that you are on the road back to self-respect, and it can only leave him with a good thought when he respects you for respecting yourself.
i especially like the way it's put, detachment is not desertion.i think it's really love in the deepest sense.
thanks for listening.hugs from sugar
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Old 01-22-2003, 09:57 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Smile detachment made easier

Thank you, Sugar

You're right, I'm really on the road back (finally!) I will try more to not worry so much about helping him, but helping myself instead to be happier and not let this drag me down so much.

I loved the phrase "detachment, not desertion." That is something that in my heart just feels right.

feeling less confused,
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Old 05-16-2003, 06:32 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2003
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Smile newcomer

Hello to all. my name is redrose. howdoes one learn to become detatched if that is the right word. my husband is an alcoholic, potsd,bipolar. how does one let them go about getting into trouble, and see the consequences because of that trouble, and the hurt and pain that they go through besides of what you gothrough. this is very hard for me, Im a very caring and loving person. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. but from what I gqather freom others, Im doing a tremendous amount of things wrong which in turn is makeing his recovery very hard. how do you trust someone when they stash money in different places, and lie to you and hurt you , not purposely, verbally or mentally, which I try very hard not to allow or listen to, but Im not sure how to block all this stuff pout. zi cannot trust him and have faith in him when he says please trust me and then the bomb drops. has anyone else felt so frustrated and at a loss of what to do?
thank you
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Old 08-17-2003, 07:57 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I'm new here but I need to know something about detachment.
My A is my spouse and he uses sex to try to control me when he comes home totally drunk. He also uses it when he is trying to "make up" with me after he has absent and drinking all weekend. When I deny him out of disgust from either him stinking of alcohol or from just plain disgust with his behavior, he becomes enraged and angry at me.
I am NOT denying the sex as punishment, I just simply cannot feel attracted by him when all of this is going on. I really would rather he just left me alone but this has always been the pattern.
I have usually given in because of his anger and then, feel so sick about it right after and go sleep on the sofa.
I think the rest of the detachment issues with him I will be able to deal with but this one...I am scared to death of his reaction.
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Old 08-17-2003, 08:10 PM
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Ok are getting the cart before the horse. Do some reading...go to your meetings and take things one day, one step at a time. Detachment is a complex concept.

Now for your question...I don't blame you at all for not wanting to have sex with someone who is drunk, someone who treats you badly and someone you cannot trust. Your fear is what worries me. You should feel free to say no without fear.

One thing we tell people around here is to protect themselves. If you have one ounce of fear for your safety have a plan in place. Your shoes by the door, cash and keys close at hand, and a place to go. You could probably drive around for an hour and he would be asleep when you get home...or go to a friends.

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Old 08-19-2003, 11:38 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Posts: n/a

I have felt "detatched" for a long time, and felt it to be "wrong". Now I see that maybe without even realizing I had done it, it is probably a good thing after all!
Old 05-29-2004, 10:35 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Illinois
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Wow!! I swear that you wrote that just for me! It is so very true that when you are married to an A you just simply detatch to keep from getting hurt time and time again. Thank you so much for this letter it was GREAT!!

Thanks Again,
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Old 05-30-2004, 08:32 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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"All I have to do is keep my hands off and my heart on!!" I believe I have done that but,how do I get my heart to be on? I look at him drunk,face and body all swelled up,slobbering words, I just feel discust for him. any time he tries to touch me for sex , my skin crawls, He tries and says the right things, but I just cant get passed it all,years of abuse. I was really mad yesterday, a friend of both of us just stepped between us and started talking,"you two have to talk,your story isnt the same as his,you both need to be on the same page,you guys can work this out, I dont want to see this happen" I have nothing to say about it!!!! Im done talking, He wants to drink so be it, I want a better life. He said started comparing us to him and his x-coke head girlfriend( who still falls off every now and then) if they can make it work so should we beable to. HE FORGETS! All I was to my A for a long time was a fat piece of A** and a ride home from the bars, At Christmas all his buds got gifts I got nothing. our wedding aniversary I spent taking myself out to dinner cuz he couldnt take himself away from his buds. On his 50th birthday I had spent over $1000. on a suprise birthday, the cake alone was $100.00 I had 3 pictures put on the cake, a baby pic,high school grad pic, age 50 (as close as I could get) it took me over a month of planning. On my 50th I was told by him "well I cant come up with anything like what you did so do you want to go to dinner?" couldnt even take the time to get me a card or flower he might miss his turn to buy. He would be drunk thinking I needed sex(so I wouldnt stray) he would force, me hurt me. DID NOT MATTER if I was tired,sick or just wasnt in the mood. He wouldnt stop!! but he loves me??? Even now I get home from work and might get to sleep about 3am Here he is at 7am trying to wake me up for some!!! does he care Ive only been asleep for 4hrs? no,

He continues to drink and now the friend is with him at the bar enabling him ,but their just talking,

I wont let my heart hurt anymore, I expect nothing from him, Im not working on anything but myself, He can kiss my ***. the friend says well you need to lead him here, you need to point him in the right direction, NO IM NOT!!!
I felt like I was in therapy, I feel betrayed by the friend (like he is siding with my A and trying to help him keep me) what really gets me is he is very knowlegeable about AA and what you have to do to recover. acording to him I should just throw everything in the trash and start over, well he is still drinking so it never stops!!!
Damn I hate my life!! He will not hurt me anymore
Your right writing letters helps you feel better, sorry its so long I just had a short comment and look what happened!
Thank-you all so much for just being here, it really meants alot
Hugs Debbie
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Old 07-03-2004, 11:06 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Heels, thank you. I am new to this board and looking into Al-Anon. Detachment, before I knew it was a part of the process, is the first thing I started.

I told the bf that the pain and worry I am enduring is outweighing the benefits of our relationship. He had said it seems I don't feel the same way about him anymore since I said I cannot continue to date him if he continues to drink.

thanks again
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Old 07-05-2004, 07:35 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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How do you detatch a spouse when you have kids and he is always wanting to do things and be a "parent" while he is drinking? One boundry I have kept is it is not to be done here so I really have no idea how much he drinks, he drives around......
How do you raise a family and stay detatched?
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Old 07-14-2004, 02:38 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
This was a very good article on detachment. It seems that we really struggle with the when of doing this. I guess it is the love that gets in our eyes. It all seems to be a hell of a thing to have to experience. But a necessary one none-the-less.

I think I am beginning to understand what bring it to the top means. This seems to be one of those that needs to be.

Thanks, I needed to know that I was on the right track with some of the things that I did during my episode/that chapter in my life.

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Old 07-14-2004, 07:00 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I have a question for anyone/??? is it common that alcolics do not eat???? MY AH is 6'1 and maybe 130 he does not eat but maybe one time a day?
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Old 07-14-2004, 07:07 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Dazimae -
My H used to eat like horse. Now, he never eats. I guess he eats lunch at work but never dinner.

On the weekends, he won't eat anything all day - sometimes dinner if he's not passed out yet. He knows when we eat dinner and I always keep frozen pizzas and stuff on hand in case he wants to fix something. Other than that, there's nothing I can do about it.

I think that either they like it because they get more drunk when they don't eat or because they are drinking, they aren't hungry.
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Old 07-14-2004, 07:50 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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My AH never eats if he's drinking, sometimes for an entire weekend at a time. When I mention that he should grab a bite, his reply is,

"Why would I eat and ruin an entirely good buzz?"

Makes a hell of a lotta sense, doesn't it?!

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Old 07-14-2004, 07:56 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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My H will say "Yeah, I'm drunk. I didn't eat any dinner."

Funny, I don't get drunk when I don't eat dinner. But then, I'm not drinking.

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Old 07-14-2004, 05:25 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Spotsylvania, Va
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ABKY, I totally agree with you. I am attending my first al-anon meeting tomorrow. I just can't let go of the anger either. My husband is in rehab now. They want me to come for a weekend (I have never left my children). In the same breath he says he is not supposed to be thinking of the family right now. He is focusing on his recovery. I should be understanding, yet I can't help but feel, "When is any of this going to become about me and the kids?" I just feel we will never rank first. There is so much history here. I'm still having a hard time convincing myself that staying is the right thing. Even with detachment and boundaries, it seems like an empty existence. I want a close relationship. Any ideas??
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Old 07-15-2004, 11:54 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Dancing To My Own Beat
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Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi shan,
I always needed others to make me feel ok. My security and self esteem were tied up in what others were doing and how they were feeling. I can understand the anger. My expectations of others meeting my needs left me very disappointed and angry. Through Al-Anon meetings, the literature, working the steps, and my sponsors help, I have started loving myself, and seeking others who are emotionally available to meet my needs. Because of this, I demand less from my A husband and our relationship is less stressful. I can now look at the good things in our relationship and appreciate what he is capable of giving to it, instead of hating him for not meeting my needs. I realize that I rank first with me, and that I have many people now that care about me in ways I used to try to get from just one person. It may take a while for you to get through all the pain and anger. That is ok. It is normal to be where you are at. Just keep seeking recovery and learn to love you. From there, forgiveness and healing are possible. Hugs, Magic
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