Timeiskey

I ran into my ex ABF this morning. I actually struck out for my walk at 7:30 because I was sure he wouldn't be out that early. He was all jolly, waiving, walked up and ended up walking with me on the rest of planned path... We fought on Saturday night to the early morning hours, he slammed the door in my face on Sunday, called me to apologize and asked if we could be friends and "hang out" on Monday, which I said I couldn't do now, because I was still trying to "accept" the reality and today he is as friendly and seems as rational and healthy and calm as the person I first met.

Sigh, I know what you are thinking...no contact, stay away. We live next to each other and I understand that he isn't healthy... and obviously, neither am I. Still, I can't help but to wonder why it seems so easy for him. I have to remember how he gets when he drinks. I have to remember the things that he did that hurt my feelings and showed me that alcohol was his wife and I was just his mistress. I was reminded last night of our trip to Florida. I planned that trip for weeks, making reservations, planning the drive, calling my friends to set up hang outs...

I had to drive the entire way, because he can't drive a stick. No problem! He comes home from his gig and I have spent the morning packing the car, getting road supplies, organizing and preparing...he spent the morning drinking and arrived home completely intoxicated to the point where it took me an hour to get him settled in the car. The entire trip, I realize that I was just the driver and planner and he was really on vacation with his true love- alcohol. He slept fifteen hours in the car both ways, even when I woke him and begged him to stay awake to help me stay focused...he just went back to sleep. I paid for more than my share on that trip, was the responsible adult on the road... he couldn't even get up one morning to use the snorkeling gear I had bought him, because he had brought ecstasy with him and after I went to bed one night, he decided to take a pill at 1 AM. Why did he need to bring that? Why would you do something like take that at 1 AM by yourself? Why would you be so selfish when I went through so much time and money to plan this trip to show you where I had lived before I came to this new city and met you?

Sigh (again), I guess I just needed to vent and write it out to remind myself that the happy and sober man that I ran into this morning, who felt compelled to walk with me is only one side of the coin... and the other side is much more concerned with alcohol than with being in a healthy and loving relationship. You know, I can have a few drinks with friends. I can hang late on occasion. I keep trying to wrap my mind around the addiction- why a request for him to moderate after the worse binge I have seen out of anyone in twenty years freaked me out- why unregulated drinking would be more valuable...I know, I know...I am just working on acceptance and understanding.

WendyOR

Keep reminding yourself. If you have to take sticky notes and put them on your mirrors... or in your wallet... or on your fridge, keep reminding yourself. Until he goes through recovery, that is the man you would or will always have to be with.

BrokenInPieces

That must have been tough. I dread the "run-in". It's hard on the heart to be so very much in love with that one beautiful, shiny side of the coin, while your head is yelling at you to FLIP. IT. OVER.

*sigh*

Timeiskey

Hi Wendy, yes, I don't have stickies but I do have my journal from the last five weeks of working through this break up. Luckily, my stickies come in the form of seeing his car parked haphazardly on the street after he has been out all night drinking, or noticing a new dent in his car door. It isn't that I am stalking him, but I walk my dog several times a day and can't help but see what is fifteen feet from my front door.

I had talked on SR about moving in the past. However, about five different neighbors asked me to stay. I have only been in the city for a year and already, it seems that I am embraced, so I keep my chin up when I go outside and keep my tears tucked privately away in my home. I am engaging in new friendships, activities, focusing back on work, getting out and experiencing the parts of the city that I didn't get to see while I was with him. I am doing the right things, I know this. I just wish it was enough to make the sadness and pain just disappear overnight...wow, if we could all just do that.

Broken, I actually think the fact that he lives five feet from my front door has been helpful in some ways. It was brutal the first two or three weeks, but now, I see enough to know that it is what it is. It has somehow desensitized me to the feelings- these run ins and the pendulum swing of emotions and reactions. I would love the no contact for sure...would much rather choose that path, but this has helped to speed up my reality check in some ways...I am just lucky that he isn't bringing women home yet- that would have been a killer in the first weeks...oh, and I did have to learn to cope with my anger in a healthy manner...it took all of my strength on a few occasions not to do something bad like kick the bumper off his car, but really I am better than that, lol.

atalose

It’s easy for him because he’s NOT about the relationship with you, and you are. He already has a relationship and proved to you that’s the priority.

He’s wants to “hang out” where you want a “relationship” this morning you “hung out” with him making hanging out ok…………….is that what you want? Can you handle “just hanging with him”?

Timeiskey

ATA- no I cannot hang out with him. I told him this on Monday when he called and asked me. I did not invite him to walk with me, he just changed his course and began walking. I didn't tell him to go away or that I would rather that he not walk with me, because he lives ten feet from my front door and the tension that goes down when we are at each other's throats is more unhealthy than finishing my walk, saying "have a good day" and then coming on here and posting about it.

You are right though- it is easy, since his primary relationship is still in tact. His priorities are where he wants them to be- and so are mine- moving on, expressing myself in a healthy way and in a safe place (here), moving forward with my work.
I will take your warning to heart as well about the boundaries of "hanging out". That he decided to walk with me in the park when I was at the end of my trail is one thing...but when I am out in the courtyard, if he attempts to really "hang", I will have to sacrifice the peace of the current cooperative agreement and set him straight- his space is the front porch and mine is the courtyard- we don't have to see each other in our outdoor spaces and he needs to respect my boundary and stay in his own respected area.

atalose

Just watch out for any "mixed signals" be very clear with your boundaries - your entitled to your own peace whether he lives 10 feet away or not.

Is it an ideal situation - absolutely not -makes it extremely hard with moving on when you are living that close.

hopeful4

My X has our girls today. He does not drink with them around, this is good. I talked to him when he called to see if he could spend the day with them. He sounded so normal and so kind that it shocked me for a second. However, he is the same person he has always been. I am glad he is taking our girls, they need to work on their relationship. However, I know who he is and deep down I know that is not going to change.

I am betting you know that about your ABF too. Hugs, it's hard. It's a moment at a time!