EmmyG

Someone on this board once made the point to me that instead of trying to control AH's alcohol use/life, I should leave him with his dignity and let his recovery be his own. I wish I could remember exactly what was said. Anyway, that has really stuck with me. I feel like when AH and I were living together, I was actually holding him back from any chance he might have for recovery. I worried, I was anxious, depressed. I questioned his whereabouts and tried to guess what his next move would be. I tried to detect any scent of alcohol or any signs of intoxication. If he didn't answer his phone fast enough, I got that horrible feeling that maybe he was drinking somewhere.

Since I left, I've been trying so hard to cut that out of my life. I no longer concern myself with whether or not he's drinking. He has been drunk a couple of times since I left that I know of, but I don't truly know if/when/how much he's drinking, and for the first time in years, I don't care. Of course I hope not, but if he is, that is his path. He is still fulfilling his financial obligations to me when it comes to the kids, and he's been there for them. He's gone on two field trips with them in the last month, and he never did that before. Not once have I dropped them off/picked them up and found him drunk. So I am thankful that I don't have to deal with that at this point.

I went to the doctor and had a physical last month and found out the reason I feel so awful all the time is probably due to the fact that I have severe sleep apnea. I got a machine and for the last three weeks, I have felt better than I have in YEARS. It's amazing. I feel so much more confident in myself. I don't feel lonely either. I think I'm too busy to. I just feel more like myself than I have in years. I used to need AH's approval all the time, and every day I feel more and more self-sufficient. It is a great feeling. I know I'll be okay, even if AH goes downhill.

If I hadn't taken the huge step of separating from him, I would still be miserable and depressed. The first couple of months were horrible and some days I didn't want to get out of bed. But it's SO worth it!!!

trifecta

EmmyG, it's so wonderful to hear the voice of someone who has passed through a separation and come out the other side happy, joyous, and free. It helps me tremendously to hear a story of recovery such as yours, as I am in the dark early stages of divorce. Blessings to you and thanks for your share.

honeypig

Emmy, thanks for the wonderful, uplifting post! It's so great to see someone coming out into the light after the darkness of living with alcoholism.

EmmyG

Thank you!!! I went through 7 years of sleepwalking through life and being in pain/depressed most of the time. I was so isolated. It took me such a long time to feel strong enough to leave, I think it was the love of my boys that made me do it. They're getting older and I wanted better for them! I have hope now, and I didn't have that for so long. I actually see more hope in AH than I have in a long time. But now I'm not riding the emotional roller coaster with him, he needs to find his own way out.

hopeful4

Yay Emmy....great update!

XXX

Stung

Awesome update! I'm happy for you and so happy that your boys have such a great mom! Keep it up, Emmy!!

Butterfly

Thank you it's so good to hear it's possible to come out the other side. Can I ask what you mean by you thought that you might have been holding him back from any chance he had of recovery??

EmmyG

I think I worded that wrong What I mean is that the cycle we were in, with me begging/pleading him to change and always trying to control the environment and keep him away from alcohol wasn't making things better at all. If anything, I was giving him fuel for the "blame her for my alcohol issues" fire. Now, he is on his own. I'm not there to keep the household together or cook/clean for him after a bender. Now, whatever choices he makes, he has to live with the consequences and he can't blame anyone but himself.

iamthird

You are making progress Emmy! Celebrate how far you have come!

NWGRITS

This is exactly how I've explained it to people outside of the addition/recovery circles who want to know why on earth we would ever "abandon" my AM. Without us around, there's no one to blame for her problems but herself. Although I'm sure she still tells anyone who will listen how horrible we are.

It is SO GOOD to see you posting like this right now, Emmy. Your story has been a real nail-biter. You sound healthy and happy.

jmartin

Congrats, Emmy! Sounds like you are on the right path.

I too found tremendous relief once I let go of MY need for AW to recover. She would or she wouldn't and ultimately I could not be emotionally invested in which way it went. Obviously, as a human being, I want her to find happiness and peace, but I had to let her choose her own path.

Oddly, when I got to that, and told her so, she felt relieved, that she no longer carried the burden of my emotional state, and made her decisions about recovery easier. It surprised me, and I guess I get that in some weird way, not feeling a responsibility for me would be a relief. But I don't think she really quite understands that the shift into detachment also meant that I had finally accepted that I might need to exclude her from my life, and I am, at long last, okay with that. It gave me the strength to kick her out after her last relapse, not because I was angry or frustrated, but simply because I don't want that around me. I no longer concern myself with why she is doing what she does, and no longer take it personally.

Mine has been out of the house for a month. After the initial euphoria and relief, I do have some sad days - grieving over what has been lost. But I also realize that the loss had occurred long before I kicked her out, and it was NOT due to my enforcing of boundaries, but the fact that removing her from the picture at last giving me the emotional space I need in order to process.

Best to you in your own recovery!!!!

Hawkeye13

Hi Emmy;

I think I may have been one of the "dignity" advocates.
Since I'm on both sides of the street, I knew I needed my own space to recover
and it really seems you are giving him that now.

Sounds like you are making great strides and congrats on that

My husband also recently got diagnosed with severe sleep apnea.

Real rest is making a huge difference in his mental attitude and physical health.

Keep it going!