I'm feeling ashamed

Old 07-18-2004, 06:36 AM
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I'm feeling ashamed

I feel so ashamed that I got myself and my children into this mess with an alcoholic. Our lives have been chaos for 9 months. Our relationship was too much work and I became so anxious I was making myself sick. Plus I was also dealing with his alcoholic grown son. Now I feel so ashamed that I didn't see what this situation was doing to all of us. How do I get over this?

I went out with friends last night and they didn't say anything but some of them have a very different opinion of me now. Well my one friend who will say anything that comes to mind.......said I was psycho. she said it jokingly but it hurt. Since my divorce I have been unstable. I have been called that by some of my cyber friends before. I was on a support message board for divorced women and I was told I was emotionally unstable. All thise words hurt. I am ashamed I am at this point. I am worried about my kids. What kind of mother am I turning out tobe?? This morning I jut feel sick. My friends are ashamed of me and have labeled me "sick". This hurts me so badly.

And now when I think of the things that happened when I was with my A SO......I just can't believe I stuck around so long. What was I thinking?? I'm scared this will happen again. I'm scared my kids are ruined and screwed up for life. Argh! I can't shake this feeling of shame and guilt.
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Old 07-18-2004, 06:44 AM
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(((((((((((((((Nightowl)))))))))))))
You need to get a hold of your emotions. YOU are not a bad person. You did what you did and now you realize that maybe that wasnt what you really wanted. Dont beat yourself up. You will drive yourself nuts!!!!! I was the addict in my relationships--I hurt people that didnt deserve it--so Im on the "other side" but I did what I did because I was/am a sick person. Please seek help in Naranon. From what I here this is a great support group that helps many people. And.....DONT BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE LABLE YOU!!!!!! The way you acted were re-actions to a bad situation. Keep posting here. Great support sysem here!!!!! Anytime you need to talk just pm me. Ok?
Hang in there.
Ann
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Old 07-18-2004, 06:50 AM
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Hi Niteowl,

First (((( Niteowl! )))). You can be in my club, I am emotionally unstable. LOL That's why I'm here. Wherever it started, the continued drama pushed me to a point where "psycho" was certainly an appropriate term. You're already on the road to better. You have removed yourself from the constant irritation. Now you can begin to focus less on the day to day nightmares and more on yourself. It doesn't have to happen again. And I also have to say that you set an example for your kids that I wish I had seen. You took initiative to end a bad situation instead of enduring it endlessly.

Going to alanon? Got a sponser? I bet working the steps would help you feel better about yourself.

Hugs!
Smoke
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Old 07-18-2004, 06:57 AM
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Nightowl,
I am glad your here. I have a little girl and I have said many of the same things to myself. How could I put her around that? How could I let her see me upset and angry all the time? Crying in front of her when I just couldn't help it. It hurts to think....

But you know what? I, like you, am trying to get better. I will talk to her about this when she is older. Right now I let her know she is loved and that Mommy is ok. Because right now I am. I have to forgive myself. For me. For her. You have to too.

The friend situation is painful to hear. Maybe you need some new friends. I read this great book once called Balcony People. It talked about how everyone in our life is either up on our balcony cheering us on and being supportive, or they are in our basement keeping us down.

It sounds like you need all of the support you can get. And girl, if you are a psyco, then most of us here are too.

Keep reading and posting. I've only been here a week, and it has helped my soul tremendously.

Love and prayers,
Angela
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Old 07-18-2004, 07:01 AM
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"And I also have to say that you set an example for your kids that I wish I had seen. You took initiative to end a bad situation instead of enduring it endlessly."-Smoke

Amen!!!
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Old 07-18-2004, 07:12 AM
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Hi Nightowl,

YOU are not alone and never have to be again if you choose not to be.

How do I get over this?
I don't know how to get over this, but I can share with you how to get through it, and to learn how to live a life second to none.... yours.

I would suggest going to real live face to face Alanon meetings, and tell them exactly what you have told us here.

Shame? The only shame is not doing anything about it.

I know exactly how you feel, and its overwhelming to say the least. I found my answers at Alanon meetings. There are halls full of women and men out there who feel just like you, or felt just like you and they have a solution that works.

Call this number and go through the menu, and there will be a real live human being who will pick up the phone and tell you where the nearest Alanon meeting in your area is.
Call Alanon WorldWide (M-F 8am - 6pm EST)
1.888.4AL-ANON




Patsy
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Old 07-18-2004, 09:57 AM
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I love this forum, I really do, ((((Nightowl)))) I understand your pain and guilt, anyone that has kids and has posted here I'm sure feels the same. And each of us knows someone who doesn't agree with the way we've handled things whether it's a family member or a so called friend. What are you ashamed for? For loving someone and trying to make it work because you thought it was the best thing at the time? For being human? For some actions you might have taken after or before the split that your not proud of now? We all make mistakes, Thing is doll, you are human, just like me, just like everyone else and yah we are gonna screw up here and there. Sometimes we screw up alot! But we have to realize that, forgive ourselves get back on track and move foreward. I live daily with the guilt of what my 3 kids have had to endure during my time with my AO, esp my 12 year old, because she is old enough to know more. Watching the fights and seeing thier mom fall apart is something I wish I could erase. But I can't, it happened and it's done, I can only try to make it good for here on out. I talk to my 12 yr old alot, ask her how she feels, how she's handling things. Kids are amazingly resiliant, thank god. And they are my main driving force, the thing that is most important to me in my life. I get up everyday, I function, I work, I do it for them and me. You can't erase the past, you can only concentrate on what you do now. Your kids love you, they want you to be happy, your gonna do the best by them if they see you happy and growing stronger. Let the guilt go. Accept it and go foreward. We're here for you.......Hugs! Teggie
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Old 07-18-2004, 03:06 PM
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Nightowl,

I agree with the others,

I do this same "shame-game" too. So I am giving this "advise" to myself too.
This shame serves no purpose but to whip yourself with hate for being human. So what if you made a mistake (if you did), we ALL do. We all stumble. It's one way to learn. It is human to do the best we can, as I'm sure you did at the time. Some people choose to never leave. They just endure misery day after day, year after year, but they are doing the best they can.

This situation was making you sick. You cut your losses. Your children will recognize this in the end. But also ( I hope I'm not stepping out of bounds here), they can, and might pick up on your self hate in subtle ways. Not to put more pressure on you, but the quicker you can model self care ( I know it takes time) the better for your kids. Although, you are also showing them what it is to be imperfectly human , to make mistakes, problem solve and be resilient. GIVE yourself credit for making and showing your children healthy choices!!!

This is a wonderful opportunity to examine why we are attracted to these dysfunctional relationships, using the many tools available to us, this forum, Alanon, Coda, ect. Actually we are lucky, because we have found others just like ourselves to support each other on the path to healthier lives..

Now if I can only take my own advise!!!!

Here is part of a quote from YOU on my very first thread (which was very comforting to me):

"Bravo to you for leaving................. and just remember that you are choosing a HEALTHY life"............. Very simple and to the point, back at you!

Gently, NAD
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Old 07-18-2004, 03:10 PM
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Nightowl,
Good words from NAD, re-read his post.
Gabe
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Old 07-18-2004, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Nightowl
And now when I think of the things that happened when I was with my A SO......I just can't believe I stuck around so long. What was I thinking?? I'm scared this will happen again. I'm scared my kids are ruined and screwed up for life. Argh! I can't shake this feeling of shame and guilt.
Argh! I can't shake this feeling of shame and guilt.
It doesn't amaze me anymore how similar the after effects of addiction are for both sides involved. Aside from all the obvious wounds and scars left behind, the loss of a sense of values, even self esteem, is perhaps the most noxious of them all. For so much energy has to go into fighting these feelings that range from mild shame to complete and utter worthlessness.
I'm scared this will happen again.
In some ways, as an addict, so am I. I'm but one drink away or one hit away from renewing my relationship with my old friend, obsession/compulsion. But the real fear, that would prrobably paralyze me if I didn't have a recovery program, is that of missing the signs and ignoring the behaviors that lead to relapse.
I'm scared my kids are ruined and screwed up for life.
Most likely not. Our children, once included fully in the recovery process, in age appropriate ways, become one of our greatest sources of support, addict and codie alike, I believe. And I also believe that as recovering parents, it is our duty to let them know how much we need them, in our attempt to restore sanity to ourselves and our families.
Hang in there Nightowl.
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Old 07-19-2004, 06:11 AM
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(((Nightowl)))
I, too, got to the point where I would literally cry with shame over what I had allowed in my life and in my children's lives. I think now though that a valuable lesson is being learned by me and my children. No matter how hopeless the situation, if I have faith in myself and work to improve myself, there is always hope. I can rely on myself.

If my children learn that lesson from this situation, I can be proud of the way I raised them. It will serve them well.

I have also come to understand that my opinion of myself is the only opinion that matters. I am strong enough and smart enough to decide what I want for myself and what "labels" I deserve. Once I began to really believe that I am perfectly capable of running my own life, other people's opinions and "labels" didn't really matter to me anymore. They don't know - they aren't me.

You are smart enough, strong enough and willing enough to run your own life. It sounds like you're doing a fine job to me.
Hugs - L
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Old 07-19-2004, 06:18 AM
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Nightowl,
One of the biggest benfits I have gained from attending Al-Anon and working the 12 steps is that I don't have to let fear rule my life anymore. All the fear, guilt, and anger came from things I was taught that were wrong. Through attendance at meetings, I have gained so much support. I have found people who can teach me how to forgive myself, change those old beliefs, and move forward in my life. I am tired of living in the past. It's gone. I only have today. I can make it as good or as miserable as I chose. Working the steps has shown me how to let go of guilt and fear that trapped me. It has given me guidelines for living a more happy and serene life. It is definitely worth trying if you are fed up with what you are doing now. Hugs, Magic
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Old 07-19-2004, 01:57 PM
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NightOwl,

It's done and over. You got out of it that's what counts.

Now is time for yours and your kids healing.

I did it too and I became psycho also........112 lbs and psycho! I became suicidal had to go back on anti-depressants,crying in front of my son, practically neglecting him I was so obsessed with a jerk.

Now you can heal and bond with your kids without all that stress.

Ngaire
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