What fits here?
 

I haven't posted in a long time...and nothing's changed. Go figure. ;)

Can anyone suggest other reasons we stay in these relationships that aren't because of control? I never attempt to control the situation. In fact, I don't say a peep about it. I pretend everything is fine. This is easier to do because he's highly functional. We don't live together, so that's not stopping me. What is this fear? I know it's my issue and not his...I get that. I feel like if I can just understand what my brain is doing, then I can see it and establish a way to not do that anymore. If I can't do that, what's to say I don't end up in a similar relationship, whether alcohol is an issue or not.

What are our other ties to these people? I know you don't know me, but I'll try on any suggestions to see if they fit.

Have you read 'Codependent No More?' I thought it was a wonderful book and it really kick started my process of self discovery and healing.

Just ordered "Codependent No More" after reading "Women Who Love Too Much"...that book really helped! Hoping CNM will help even more!

I think control is a big issue for me, but also trying to save them...from themselves, from their addiction, whatever the issues are, especially if there's absolutely no way they can be saved it seems.

It is not about these other people. It is about ourselves. We have the lives we feel we deserve. We must know our own value before anyone else can! I can blame separated AH all day but I was just as sick for tolerating it. I know that now.

Mine was trying to find healing through alcoholic men. I had an alcoholic father who abandoned us when I was 7. It really messed up my perception of who I was and where my self-worth came from. I allowed a lot of unacceptable alcoholic behavior by men in my life because they "loved" me, and if they would only love me and not leave me, then my brokenness would be healed.

The process of self discovery and healing that Thumper mentioned is just that...self discovery. It won't happen magically. It usually takes time and a lot of hard work. The book suggestions you've been given here are great. I've read both and both helped me on my journey. Another was The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. And a personal counselor who asked the tough questions was critical in my self-discovery. You might consider finding a therapist or counselor if you're really serious about starting your own journey.

Yes! Exactly. You have summed it up perfectly.

I've been watching your replies (thank you!!), and I've also been thinking a lot. I don't know if it fits yet, but I'm toying with the idea that it's a way to have a relationship yet avoid true intimacy. I mean, the idea of intimacy sounds fabulous in theory, but in trying to look at myself and see if that's really something I'm good at wanting, I kind of think maybe it's not. I kind of feel like a shell of a person with zero substance behind my constant smile. So maybe I worry that there's nothing behind it and pick a partner who can't provide true intimacy. Anyone have similar thoughts??

Ummm, yep, raising my hand here. I was so hurt in my marriage that i don't want intimacy anymore. I want the rest of it, I just don't want to love anymore. Love hurts. I had a "friend with benefits", it turned sour because he wanted more, I didn't. (We would have killed each other)

I lived with a lot of hurt in my life and I went that way, that if I didn't love, then I wouldn't hurt.

I'm starting to get past this because I think I want to learn to trust again, yes, there can be hurt there also, but at least I tried.

I'm sorry, I just responded to your last post without reading your first post.

I stayed with my ex for a long time when I didn't think that I loved him. I didn't know what I thought, because I wasn't thinking. I just felt like marriage or a relationship was supposed to be forever. Perhaps I wanted validation. Perhaps I wanted to feel loved or cared about. It was all withheld from me. Perhaps I just needed closure, but closure or validation was never to come.

It was limbo land. I was afraid to move, but I didn't know why. I really don't think it was because I loved him, instead I feared him. I had a fear of rejection and abandonment. D@mn, I did or would have done anything to make things work, but they didn't. I didn't have self-respect, or self-confidence, or any kind of self-esteem anymore. I was in an abusive relationship. I craved the crumbs. I was hoping for the cake, but I just scraped up all the crumbs that I could get.

I had no trust left, I only had self protection left.

I also have trouble with emotional intimacy versus enmeshment.

A lot of that was family of origin issues and I can see how I subconsciously carried so much over from my childhood.

This morning, I'm remembering a time before I was married to XAH. He was passed out in bed next to me, and I was enjoying the opportunity to unabashedly look at him. I could look at him intently, trace the lines of his face with my eyes, with no repercussion. I could hold him close to me with no fear.

Sorry y'all...on a big exploratory mission. Haha.

I stayed for a very long time b/c of my kids (the whole two parent setup was important to me), and because I did not think I could ever be happy and stable on my own. Come to find out, I am ALOT more happy and stable on my own! It took a lot of time and counseling to get myself here!

Hugs....

Well, the first couple of years, I stayed with him wondering whether he was an alcoholic or not, counting every drop of alcohol. I absolutely knew nothing about codependency, even never heard the word, only knew that alcoholism was very very bad, and actually, I was even raised to despise addicts.

Then I finally accepted I married one, and now I am watching his decline. I actually, believe it or not, never tried to manipulate him into anything, or even control. I was only trying to control the environment, but it is hard when someone is sneaking behind your back and when that person is playing dirty. Again, most of my actions were due to ignorance, at first. But now I feel like I was trained. Years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted in life, what kind of family, what kind of a man, I had a plan for the future. Now I see nothing, feel stuck and a bit devastated knowing that my husband will not change, ever.

It is simply amazing how my brain is great when it comes to rationalizing and finding excuses. Year after year after year. And I even wonder how bad does it have to get so I finally leave.