lonelylostgirl

My boyfriend is in recovery. He is living in a sober house and I do not get to see him often because of meetings and work. I feel isolated because I cannot tell many people about his problem. My roommates are always asking where he is and I am always making up lies. Is this how it is suppose to be? I am trying to protect his reputation and prevent other judgement for his own sake. But it is turning me into a liar and I do not like that feeling either. He does not care if I tell people, but I do not want others to view him differently or judge him or myself. What do others do in similar situations?

Mango blast

I told the truth. I'd been working on my own recovery and that helped a lot. Alanon meetings, SR, Celebrate Recovery, finally some individual therapy. The more I learned about alcoholism and addiction, the more I realized there was nothing to be ashamed of in telling the truth. If other people think there is, that's their problem, not mine or his.

There's honesty and then there is privacy. In taking my time with this, I've been learning the difference and who it's okay to talk to (for me, for my health and learning to network) and when it's better for me to keep a bit of privacy (for the same reason). The only way I've learned is by doing.

In telling the truth, I've been finding who real friends are, but also getting and giving support to others who are in similar situations. Building my support network and being honest is crucial to my recovery. Kudos to your boyfriend for being okay with you telling others. That's a good step in the right direction.

doubledoublewin

Deciding who to tell and when has been one of the most difficult things I've faced in recovery. I started by talking about my family disease in Al-Anon meetings. The meetings helped me start sorting out the effect of the disease on my thoughts and feelings.
Next, I started reaching out to close friends. Sometimes I would have coffee or lunch with them prepared to share my story, but then came to the conclusion that the relationship couldn't bear the weight of the disclosure, or concluded that they didn't want to hear about it.
For me, the first rule of growing up in an alcoholic home was, "don't talk about the drinking!" The second rule was, of course, "Don't. Talk. About. The. Drinking!" Shame is like propane for addiction; refusing to talk about the problem made it 100x worse.
So, now I err on the side of talking about it. I've found that sharing my story with people both in the rooms and outside of them helps me feel more connected to my friends and Al-Anon family. This support has been a crucial component of my recovery.
Whatever you choose, I wish you the best.

DG0409

If people ask me questions I don't want to answer, I simply tell them that I don't want to answer the question. It's totally valid to tell somebody that you don't want to talk about it. If they got pushy, I would say something like, "Please, respect my privacy."

NWGRITS

We are as sick as our secrets. Tell the truth. What other people think of him is nobody's business but their own.

KidsR#1

When my AH went to rehab I tried to hide it, but close friends knew something was up. OnceI told them I felt relieved. They were concerned as to how I and the kids were doing and offered support and help. I was amazed as to how many were affected by someone with alcoholism too. At first my AH was upset but now he doesn't care b/c he sees how many people have been in his shoes as well. Plus now I don't have people put me on the spot when I go somewhere @ night by asking why he isn't there with us. He goes to AA everynight and trying to do so for the first 90 days.

CodeJob

Good morning,

My Qualifier was ticked off I told his family. I refused to 'apologize' for telling the truth to family. He complained,"It was OUR problem." The odd thing is I did not lie to anyone about his excessive drinking. I had detached enough to see it was his choice.

Now we did decide to not tell acquaintances and some distant neighbors to protect DS.

A year out now, I realize his family deals with problems by burying them. Mine whips a situation out of proportion and dwells in 1,000 what ifs. Neither approach is particularly stellar.

jmartin

I kept my AW's secret for years, I felt that it was not my story to tell, I did not want to out her to her friends, and so on. The secrecy just made it worse. When I finally did talk about it - at first to close friends and family, then later much more openly, it made it far easier to bear. As others have said, instead my fears of them shying away, I was surprised how helpful and supportive everyone turned out to be, and how common this problem is. The first few people I told responded immediately telling me about how someone close to them was affected by addiction, also, so they knew how difficult it is. After that, it was easy. It isn't like I was trumpeting it to anyone who would listen, but it was such a burden lifted to not have to close ranks and maintain secrecy. Once people were aware, social gatherings were more relaxed, for me and for her.

However you choose to handle it, know that we support you.

POAndrea

I kept secrets for a long time too. Or at least I THOUGHT I did. So many people already knew all about Himself's drinking but never said anything until I began talking about it with friends and family. And jmartin is right--every one of them either themselves had an unhealthy relationship with SOMETHING or loved someone else who did. I was afraid to say anything for the longest time because I feared losing any support. To be honest, some did judge, but that too was beneficial, because I learned who was truly helping and supporting us and who wasn't. I decided that I was already feeling alone and ashamed enough as it was, so anyone who would criticize, judge, gossip, or otherwise offer completely STUPID advice could just sit and spin because I didn't need or want anything that wasn't going to contribute in some way to getting better. But those who remained made all the difference to me, and I wouldn't have their help had I not spoken up.

DoubleDragons

In my experience, as an alcoholic/alcoholic family, we are think everything is a much better kept secret than it really is ~ there is no doubt in my mind that our extended family and friends think that my mom has a drinking problem. And after getting sober myself, I would not be shocked at all if at least half of my friends aren't secretly relieved that I quit. (the half that aren't problem drinkers )

1newcreation

If he's ok w/ tellin others where he is then that's fine. @ least he's doing smthg about his problem. I'm in recovery hse too & only my brother & cousin knew but when other fam started asking me I just told em the truth & conversation ended rite there. Didn't give explanation or anything of the sought coz really it's non of their business & I'm doing whats good for me. Plus none of them want to give me a spot to crash while getting on my feet. Don't have resentment against anyone coz life is getting better & I'll be damned if I remove myself from the sunlight of the Spirit

lonelylostgirl

Whelpppp...it happened the moment I have been dreading. My boyfriend relapsed. I feel broken and betrayed but also just pure sadness because I wanted to prove everyone wrong and I wanted to believe in him and believe that he could conquer this. I feel numb to any pain right now. How do people deal with this repeatedly?

Jenibean87

Hey lonelylostgirl, I'm sorry to hear about the relapse.

In my experience, I hid my As addiction from my friends and family and found myself profoundly alienated, lonely, and feeling desperate and sorry for myself. But when I opened up, finally and talked to my mom and friends about what was really going on I found that I finally got what I needed for ME: support.

Nevermind what anyone thinks of him. People will form opinions. Your loved ones might suspect already, or be relieved that there is an explanation for his bad behavior. But that is a non-issue. Telling them is for YOU. No need to protect him!

In my experience, the thing that helps me most in dealing with life with an A is having people around me who listen, advise, hope, and love. In addition to your friends and family. al-Anon will provide a whole room full of people who will listen and share your experience.

I know it's awful and scary and confusing in early recovery, and that relapses are awful for everyone. Do yourself a favor and get your feelings and fears out instead of keeping them inside.

ladyscribbler

They go to Alanon meetings.

Sungrl

You have the choice NOT to deal with it repeatedly.

I understand you love him. I loved my XABF too.

I fought the battle with him as long as I could. Multiple relapses. They got worse each time.

At some point you have to say enough is enough for your sanity. Your life is worth it.

AnvilheadII

How do people deal with this repeatedly?

many just get sick and tired of the BS and move on.

Tansy

How do people deal with this repeatedly?

My exah never went into recovery to relapse from. He was, and still is a daily drinker. I detached from him to the point of being completely numb to everything. I built up a wall to protect myself and I managed like this for 17 years. Until a few months ago someone came along who got past the wall I'd built up, I felt warmth, love and happiness for the first time in 18 years and I just knew it was over. That chance encounter sent me into a tail spin I've yet to recover from. I couldn't do the numbness any more so exah had to go. I could not have dealt with a regular relapse disappointment on top of everything else. I found it hard enough when he was supposedly sober each time he left me.