BBTaco

So, I have been on this forum for a few weeks now, very actively posting and reading...thanks so much, everyone! I have been attending Alanon 2-3 times per week for 4 weeks as well. I have read "Co-Dependent No More", "Women Who Love Too Much", as well as all of the Alanon books.

I have had good days and very bad days. I understand now, more than ever, WHY ABF is like he is and WHY I react the way I do. I really get it now. He disappeared 4 weeks ago. All of his stuff is still at my place, his food and clothes, like he was just there. But it's been 4 weeks now. I feel as though I can't even put what I've learned to use really, as I don't know what's going on.

Most painful of all, I miss my best friend, as irrational as it seems. I am having a hard time not being in contact with someone I was in constant contact with for the last 7 years...except, well, when he does this disappearing act, which has happened before...but usually before there were at least a few snarky comments from him. Not radio silence, like now.

Advice on getting through it and having patience? I have been using the 4 weeks wisely, working on myself. But now, I just miss him. I'm less sad but more...maybe like the dog who is looking out the window for the owner's car to pull up? Haha. Not fun. Feels pathetic.

Hawkeye13

Boxing up his stuff would be a good start.
Is there a third party you could leave it with or that could contact him to pick it up?

Keeping his things in your space will not further your healing.
He (and maybe you) may be leaving it there to "keep the door open" no matter how badly he acts.
Not a good plan.

By the way, BB, I think you are doing a great job really taking charge of your recovery.
You've also been really helpful to many other people on the board since coming here.

Glad you are with us

BBTaco

Thank you! I thought about giving his stuff to a friend, but no one has heard from him, he won't reply to anyone. He always comes back, so I guess just waiting is the best thing. Thank you! Happy to be here, but sad for the circumstance that brought me here...one day at a time, right?!?

Dojang

Hi BBTaco! I feel pretty pathetic as well. I agree about packing up his things and trying to get them out of your place. Keeping busy is what helps me. I tend to isolate when I'm depressed, which just give me more time to miss him. I also tend to slack off on my normal exercise routine, which I started back up today. I have been doing martial arts for the last 3 years, which has been a HUGE help for me. There's nothing like a hard core sparring class to get your mind off of things and make you feel in control. A lot of martial arts studios offer free trial classes. Volunteering has also helped me. It allows me to focus on someone else for a little while and do some good as well.
I hope you find what works for you. Thinking about you!!!

lillamy

That was my first thought as well.
Does he have parents nearby? Even if not, I would box up his stuff and leave them with a friend.

How do you get through it? You get through it one day at a time. And some days, you get through it ten minutes at a time.

What helped me -- and I emotionally and mentally separated from my ex long before I physically left him -- was to remind myself as often as necessary that I had a life before I met him, and I will have a life after he's gone.. I was so enmeshed with him that I felt his feelings (if he was mad, I was mad; if he was depressed, I couldn't be happy) and basically had become his mirror or shadow. It helped me to reconnect with old friends who had known me before I met him; who saw me as ME, and not just as Mr. Big Shot's Wife, kwim?

I started building my own life bit by bit. I thought about what I used to be interested in that I didn't do anymore because my life had become all about him and his needs. I considered whether I wanted to start doing those things again, or whether I wanted to do something completely different -- like rock climbing, maybe? And then I went for it. For me, having things to do other than obsess over him was helpful.

You will get through this. But I think moving his things out of your everyday life would help. And it will also help when he turns up again and expects everything to go back to normal. It will help you to not accept that because it's the easiest...

BBTaco

Hi all, sadly his family is all in New Zealand. Also, he's 46 so would be kind of dramatic I think to ship his stuff over to his parents! I'm not wanting to involve his family at all.

Anyway, I will maybe just collect it all and put in a box and forget about it. He has a kind of crude apartment where he stays, I have that address where I could mail stuff, but feel like that demands a response or will be seen as too dramatic on my part.

And YES, totally, we are so enmeshed, even when not together we seem to know what the other is up to or thinking. Very close, I guess too close, which is why this hurts so badly.

I have gone from texting "Are you alive?" with no reply to "My a$$ misses you!" with a photo of my a$$ (I know I know...but that's our norm). So right now, as I'm on here and it helps, I'm gonna give myself 2 weeks of NO contact...if I feel tempted, I will come on here. In the meantime, I will be trying to stay distracted...phew!