Scared of inflaming things badly
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Scared of inflaming things badly
I got legal advice today.
Primarily I did so to get advice about the fact that I have hidden our money, and that I've been giving him an allowance which he chews through in days. That I was concerned he is going to chew through it all on his 5 star hotels, but how can I withhold money he's contributed to?
She told me no more money for him. Offer to prepay rent on a place and get him gift cards for the supermarket for food. This scares me no end. He'll go crazy, I'm not sure this is the right thing to do.
But what I am REALLY SCARED of is that she said she saw too many red flags and she was concerned that there was nothing to stop him from coming to our sons school, grabbing him, and doing god knows what.
She wants me to go to the police station and get an intervention order tonight. This will prevent AH from contacting me, coming to the house, or going near the kids.
I'm so scared. This will inflame him massively. It will end any chance of any positive relationship with him, ever again. He'll go crazy, he'll never forgive me.
It will also put a stop to any counselling or anything positive.
Lawyer doesn't know whether he's an actual risk, but the escalating abuse (text, voicemail, escalated drinking - if that's possible, the aggression, the fact that he shows strong signs that he has no cognition etc) is something she said she's seen time and time again and when you don't take steps to protect ourselves and our kids...bad things happen.
I can't believe he'd ever actually hurt us...but he's been escalating....
I'm terrified.
And HATE myself that something that is holding me back is knowing that I am ending any future possibility that IF AH goes into recovery that I've ruined any chance is us being a family.
I can't go to the police tonight as its too late and kids are asleep....it will have to be tomorrow. I have an appointment with the counsellor who saw us on the weekend. I guess I'll decide then. I know getting the IO is the right thing to do.....I'm just so scared, so terrified, so anxious.
I seriously can't believe this is my life. This man who held our premise child in his hand and cried with how much love he felt. He is this man I am now taking an IO on.
Please tell me this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up?
Primarily I did so to get advice about the fact that I have hidden our money, and that I've been giving him an allowance which he chews through in days. That I was concerned he is going to chew through it all on his 5 star hotels, but how can I withhold money he's contributed to?
She told me no more money for him. Offer to prepay rent on a place and get him gift cards for the supermarket for food. This scares me no end. He'll go crazy, I'm not sure this is the right thing to do.
But what I am REALLY SCARED of is that she said she saw too many red flags and she was concerned that there was nothing to stop him from coming to our sons school, grabbing him, and doing god knows what.
She wants me to go to the police station and get an intervention order tonight. This will prevent AH from contacting me, coming to the house, or going near the kids.
I'm so scared. This will inflame him massively. It will end any chance of any positive relationship with him, ever again. He'll go crazy, he'll never forgive me.
It will also put a stop to any counselling or anything positive.
Lawyer doesn't know whether he's an actual risk, but the escalating abuse (text, voicemail, escalated drinking - if that's possible, the aggression, the fact that he shows strong signs that he has no cognition etc) is something she said she's seen time and time again and when you don't take steps to protect ourselves and our kids...bad things happen.
I can't believe he'd ever actually hurt us...but he's been escalating....
I'm terrified.
And HATE myself that something that is holding me back is knowing that I am ending any future possibility that IF AH goes into recovery that I've ruined any chance is us being a family.
I can't go to the police tonight as its too late and kids are asleep....it will have to be tomorrow. I have an appointment with the counsellor who saw us on the weekend. I guess I'll decide then. I know getting the IO is the right thing to do.....I'm just so scared, so terrified, so anxious.
I seriously can't believe this is my life. This man who held our premise child in his hand and cried with how much love he felt. He is this man I am now taking an IO on.
Please tell me this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up?
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I don't think I necessarily disagree with your attorney. I'm in a hurry this morning but after reading your post I wanted to just point out a few things.
His drinking is escalating, he is spending a small fortune on this habit, he is becoming more unpredictable, has verbalized that he has NO desire to quit drinking or seek recovery of any kind at this point & is drinking in a way which is likely to threaten his job & your family's income.
But YOU are the one terrified to take measures to protect you & your kids because YOU might mess up your chance at a Happy Family Reconciliation IF he ever decides to seek recovery.
IF he ever seeks an honest recovery I would think that his then-sober self would recognize why you had to do what you had to do..... only this drunken alter-ego would be offended that you protected your kids.
Do not let the fear hold you back from making an informed, unemotional decision. If this attorney's advice doesn't sit well with you, get a 2nd opinion right away. FWIW - I do think she is giving you the very best advice based on the circumstances, no matter how unpalatable it is.
It reminds me of one of my favorite SR sayings. "You don't have a problem, you have a solution that you don't like." (I know that sounds cold)
I'm so sorry this is turning into such a complicated & confusing situation Jarp, lots of love to you & your kids today!!!! (((((hugs)))))
His drinking is escalating, he is spending a small fortune on this habit, he is becoming more unpredictable, has verbalized that he has NO desire to quit drinking or seek recovery of any kind at this point & is drinking in a way which is likely to threaten his job & your family's income.
But YOU are the one terrified to take measures to protect you & your kids because YOU might mess up your chance at a Happy Family Reconciliation IF he ever decides to seek recovery.
IF he ever seeks an honest recovery I would think that his then-sober self would recognize why you had to do what you had to do..... only this drunken alter-ego would be offended that you protected your kids.
Do not let the fear hold you back from making an informed, unemotional decision. If this attorney's advice doesn't sit well with you, get a 2nd opinion right away. FWIW - I do think she is giving you the very best advice based on the circumstances, no matter how unpalatable it is.
It reminds me of one of my favorite SR sayings. "You don't have a problem, you have a solution that you don't like." (I know that sounds cold)
I'm so sorry this is turning into such a complicated & confusing situation Jarp, lots of love to you & your kids today!!!! (((((hugs)))))
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Jarp - Take a deep breath and remember that you don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow, you can make it when you feel it is right.
I don't know the laws down there but I am going to ask a few questions…..I take it your husband is primary bread winner? What are his legal rights to that money? Where are his paychecks going now? Into an account that you manage?
I'll be honest that to me the attorney's advise seems a little off but I am basing that on what the laws are here and under the assumption that he is primary income. What I am concerned about is that he will cut all funds off to you of future earnings if you withhold his "allowance". Do you have enough money stashed to live on?
Paying for his rent and giving him food cards puts you in the position of being "keeper" - this in no way is going to help you. This also means that YOU will be finding him a place to live and YOU will be making decisions about what he can and can't spend money on. I don't see that as healthy or helpful for you in any way and I also believe it will inflame him.
As far as your son is concerned, I think the attorney presented worst case scenario. Of course its possible that could happen. Is it probable? I don't know.
My advice is that you get a second opinion.
I don't know the laws down there but I am going to ask a few questions…..I take it your husband is primary bread winner? What are his legal rights to that money? Where are his paychecks going now? Into an account that you manage?
I'll be honest that to me the attorney's advise seems a little off but I am basing that on what the laws are here and under the assumption that he is primary income. What I am concerned about is that he will cut all funds off to you of future earnings if you withhold his "allowance". Do you have enough money stashed to live on?
Paying for his rent and giving him food cards puts you in the position of being "keeper" - this in no way is going to help you. This also means that YOU will be finding him a place to live and YOU will be making decisions about what he can and can't spend money on. I don't see that as healthy or helpful for you in any way and I also believe it will inflame him.
As far as your son is concerned, I think the attorney presented worst case scenario. Of course its possible that could happen. Is it probable? I don't know.
My advice is that you get a second opinion.
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He has never been violent physically with me or the kids.
What worries me is he's ringing me drunk off his head demanding to come to the house to see our son Right That Minute and refuses to listen when I say, come see him tomorrow when you're sober.
The other thing is he said to me he 'll 'make me dead' if I refuse him. That was once recently when really drunk on the phone and he has no memory of this.
What worries me is he's ringing me drunk off his head demanding to come to the house to see our son Right That Minute and refuses to listen when I say, come see him tomorrow when you're sober.
The other thing is he said to me he 'll 'make me dead' if I refuse him. That was once recently when really drunk on the phone and he has no memory of this.
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Sorry forgot about this.
As to your future with him really you have to make decisions based on the present not on the what ifs. Making decisions based on what ifs is forecasting the future. IF he decides to get sober, and IF he stays in recovery, and IF during recovery you are able to work out this situation, and IF, IF, IF.
Today he is an alcoholic that has never tried to recover. He told you in your last counseling session that he is not going to stop drinking.
Therefore, you must do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your son.
The only viable If's I see are two: If he continues to drink he will end up where all of them do. If he decides to recover its a long road ahead. Either way, as much as it sucks, there are way too many things up in the air about his future to make a guess as to what he will do. As for your future it is clear, if you do nothing you possibly put yourself and your son at huge risk. If you do something at the very least you have protected yourself and your son.
Big hugs to you Jarp, my prayers are with you.
As to your future with him really you have to make decisions based on the present not on the what ifs. Making decisions based on what ifs is forecasting the future. IF he decides to get sober, and IF he stays in recovery, and IF during recovery you are able to work out this situation, and IF, IF, IF.
Today he is an alcoholic that has never tried to recover. He told you in your last counseling session that he is not going to stop drinking.
Therefore, you must do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your son.
The only viable If's I see are two: If he continues to drink he will end up where all of them do. If he decides to recover its a long road ahead. Either way, as much as it sucks, there are way too many things up in the air about his future to make a guess as to what he will do. As for your future it is clear, if you do nothing you possibly put yourself and your son at huge risk. If you do something at the very least you have protected yourself and your son.
Big hugs to you Jarp, my prayers are with you.
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Jarp, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
The scariest thing in these situations is the unknown. We codies are famous for thinking of the "what ifs".
Right now, you protecting your family is the issue that you know you can take care of.
If you protecting yourself and your child while your AH is actively drinking is something that would stop him from wanting to be a family when he is sober, well that is on him, not you.
My prayers go out to you, I hope all goes well. One day at a time!
The scariest thing in these situations is the unknown. We codies are famous for thinking of the "what ifs".
Right now, you protecting your family is the issue that you know you can take care of.
If you protecting yourself and your child while your AH is actively drinking is something that would stop him from wanting to be a family when he is sober, well that is on him, not you.
My prayers go out to you, I hope all goes well. One day at a time!
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Jarp, can you call the counselor with an emergency conversation about this?
If your husband is the primary breadwinner, you cannot keep money from him, I would not think. However, you can stash what you need, perhaps? I would think that too much controlling of him is only going to escalate his anger. Do what you need to protect your finances, take money you need aside.
I would definitely protect my child however, and make sure authorities at school understand, if you take out an order of protection. If you can share the threatening texts it might be helpful too, in showing him to be a danger.
Personally, I would not worry about whether you protecting yourself might cause an irreparable rift... if he cares, he will understand when he is sober and well. If he gets there.
This is a terrible situation, but putting all the responsibility of controlling what he does makes it even worse for you.
I am so sorry.... this is awful for you. a second opinion may be very helpful. and maybe your counselor can shed some light on this too.
hugs.
If your husband is the primary breadwinner, you cannot keep money from him, I would not think. However, you can stash what you need, perhaps? I would think that too much controlling of him is only going to escalate his anger. Do what you need to protect your finances, take money you need aside.
I would definitely protect my child however, and make sure authorities at school understand, if you take out an order of protection. If you can share the threatening texts it might be helpful too, in showing him to be a danger.
Personally, I would not worry about whether you protecting yourself might cause an irreparable rift... if he cares, he will understand when he is sober and well. If he gets there.
This is a terrible situation, but putting all the responsibility of controlling what he does makes it even worse for you.
I am so sorry.... this is awful for you. a second opinion may be very helpful. and maybe your counselor can shed some light on this too.
hugs.
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Originally Posted by jarp 
He has never been violent physically with me or the kids.
What worries me is he's ringing me drunk off his head demanding to come to the house to see our son Right That Minute and refuses to listen when I say, come see him tomorrow when you're sober.
The other thing is he said to me he 'll 'make me dead' if I refuse him. That was once recently when really drunk on the phone and he has no memory of this.
What worries me is he's ringing me drunk off his head demanding to come to the house to see our son Right That Minute and refuses to listen when I say, come see him tomorrow when you're sober.
The other thing is he said to me he 'll 'make me dead' if I refuse him. That was once recently when really drunk on the phone and he has no memory of this.
Also, you then have a record of being fearful of him.
I thought the lawyer was planting stuff in your head, but later in your posts reminded me of some stuff my ex did. He turned very quickly, put it that way.
Talk to your counsellor tomorrow, if he's quietened down tonight.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I kinda agree with your attorney. Unless you go legal, there is nothing at all to stop him from taking off with your child.
I had to go through this, too. You gotta just turn off your emotions and turn on your brain for awhile, as hard as it is.
I had to go through this, too. You gotta just turn off your emotions and turn on your brain for awhile, as hard as it is.
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Originally Posted by Bullfrog
I kinda agree with your attorney. Unless you go legal, there is nothing at all to stop him from taking off with your child.
I had to go through this, too. You gotta just turn off your emotions and turn on your brain for awhile, as hard as it is.
I had to go through this, too. You gotta just turn off your emotions and turn on your brain for awhile, as hard as it is.
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Yup, without a custody order, you cannot kidnap your own child. That is 100% a fact. Jarp, I am going to gently remind you that he told you he is not going to stop. Your child has to be more important than IF he decides to recover. If he ever decided to recover he would see how unacceptable his behaviors are and that they were never acceptable in the first place.
You can obtain legal advise from more than one attorney if you are not sure what to do. I did so, from three different attorneys. I am glad I did, they all three gave me info I used in the course of my divorce to protect my children.
Protection for you and your child has to be front and center, no matter what.
You can obtain legal advise from more than one attorney if you are not sure what to do. I did so, from three different attorneys. I am glad I did, they all three gave me info I used in the course of my divorce to protect my children.
Protection for you and your child has to be front and center, no matter what.
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I can't believe he'd ever actually hurt us...but he's been escalating....
You're talking over and over again about IF he recovers, IF you do this, YOU will have ruined any possibility for reuniting and being a family again.
Stop it.
You are not ruining a damn thing. He is.
You are doing everything that is in your might to PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS. That is what a sane, good parent does. You protect yourself from the fallout of HIS bad choices. You have every right to do that.
You are in the right here. He can throw all the temper tantrums he wants -- if the law is on your side, the law is on your side. End of story.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hugs, Jarp...so sorry for what you are going through
Great advice here. I would agree with getting a second opinion...simply for confirmation from a legal perspective. I think attorneys tend to be cautious about restraining orders (IO in your case) unless they feel it is necessary, so I would take her advice to heart.
Great advice here. I would agree with getting a second opinion...simply for confirmation from a legal perspective. I think attorneys tend to be cautious about restraining orders (IO in your case) unless they feel it is necessary, so I would take her advice to heart.
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It's not about waiting for things to happen to gather evidence. I shared my 'evidence' of concern with her and she's certain it's enough to easily get an IO.
Although she said they are quite favourable to issuing io at the moment due to several very sad cases recently of unwell fathers killing their children whilst parents have been sepersted. Most have no history of violence.
Although she said they are quite favourable to issuing io at the moment due to several very sad cases recently of unwell fathers killing their children whilst parents have been sepersted. Most have no history of violence.
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I wouldn't hesitate a moment if you can get an IO (they're restraining or protective orders here).
Just the fact that you are scared of his reaction to you protecting yourself speaks volumes. And I can relate to that. I was terrified, too. (((hugs)))
Just the fact that you are scared of his reaction to you protecting yourself speaks volumes. And I can relate to that. I was terrified, too. (((hugs)))
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Just because he did not remember making a threat to you does not mean it did not happen. My X said and did things totally out of character the night I kicked him out. I have no doubt that had I not told him I was calling the police if he did not get out immediately that he would have hurt me. He did push me. Luckily he was drunk enough that it did not do much in that I did not fall or anything, but boy did it seal the deal that I AM DONE.
My point here is that it does escalate and they can and do things out of character and regret it later.
Protect yourself and your children. XXX
My point here is that it does escalate and they can and do things out of character and regret it later.
Protect yourself and your children. XXX
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Can I say thank you any more?!?! 
Truly thanks all. I am going to explore with the therapist what to do...about the $$, about helping him with a place, about the IO. I'll decide then, and update ( 'cos I'm sure you haven't all heard enough of my sorry saga yet
).
Thanks again form the bottom of my heart...I actually truly mean it when I say I don't think I would have gotten this far without all you wonderful people.
Truly thanks all. I am going to explore with the therapist what to do...about the $$, about helping him with a place, about the IO. I'll decide then, and update ( 'cos I'm sure you haven't all heard enough of my sorry saga yet
).Thanks again form the bottom of my heart...I actually truly mean it when I say I don't think I would have gotten this far without all you wonderful people.
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