Croissant

I would agree.

Even with an intervention order, bad things can still happen. I'm glad the laws are improving, Jarp. Mine was many years ago, before we had so many publicised cases of men killing their wives here.

I found out mine showed up to a custody hearing with a knife. No one told me, nothing was done about it. Yep, seriously. And that's when I already had an order in place.

jarp

Oh I know croissant....you would have heard about the terrible, high profile PUBLIC killing of a child recently and the extent the mother had gone to in order to protect her child via violence orders etc.

There is noting my AH has done to suggest physical violence towards us....but....

I did talk to his family this morning and they think its a big step....but are supportive of this.

If he contacts is it will lead to criminal charges being placed...and that's a big thing...and will be out of my control.

ladyscribbler

But his behavior is within his power to control. You are not responsible for him making good or bad choices.
I think it speaks volumes that his family is supporting you in this. Hard as it must be, I think it is the best thing for everyone, including him.

Fandy

This isn't something you can go back and correct after the fact...you seem to be hanging onto a lot of "ifs".
You have a responsibility as a parent, please follow your attorney's advice, it was given to protect you against someone determined to keep drinking and demonstrates erratic irrational drunk behavior, riddled with delusion.

Croissant

Yes, his family obviously realise there is some problem. That is a good thing.

jarp

Although they did say to me that there is nothing in his history to ever suggest he's even remotely attempted to hurt a woman or a child physically.

jarp

I know in my head I am not responsible for hi choosing to break it....

It's just so final. No more contact.

I know it can be changed, and would only be changed if he got 'better' and if he got better he 'should' recognise that I did what I needed to do etc.

I fear the nastiness that will come. Greatly.

Croissant

None of it is predictable, unfortunately. None of it. But he has said he does not want to stop drinking. That for me is key.

Did you see your counsellor today?

jarp

I did, I actually saw the counsellor who saw both of us on Saturday.

She agreed that the IO was a reasonable idea. She also said she thought that he was displaying some frontal lobe damage from the drinking, says he lacks self awareness and insight and exhibited no empathy, plus he was excessively aggressive. Based on that she said that although he's never hurt us physically that the progression of the disease means that he will become increasingly unpredictable, erratic and that often the aggression will escalate.

She was really great - I basically worked with her today about how to move forward in my life, but also in how to access some practical supports via the 'system'. She was very validating and laid out all the future paths I could choose - then did a cost/ benefit analysis of each...especially from the perspective of the kids.

I feel better today and am going to go ahead and take out the IO. AH will go CRAZY, but it's still not enough of a cost to not put this protection in place for my son.

She also acknowledged my desire to not enable by helping him get an apartment - but thout that could come from a place of compassion rather than codependency. At the end of the day she believe he'll tell me to take my offer and shove it anyhow, but that I'll be able to feel peace with the offer.

Thanks everyone.

Eddiebuckle

Jarp, as someone who was the alcoholic in the relationship, I want to tell you that you are doing the right thing. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which means that his past is not a sufficient predictor of his future actions to have done nothing.

Two things stand out for me: your fear of his reaction, and his drunken demands to come home to see the children. Many times these things never come to pass, but you have a responsibility to your kids first and foremost. What you are doing is reasonable and appropriate under the circumstances, and have absolutely no bearing on whether he makes better choices in the future. He will get sober when he is more terrified of drinking than not, everything else is background noise.

You have made the right choice for your children, the rest is up to him.

Santa

The IO is important jarp - that you are extremely afraid of his reaction says to me you are growing afraid of him, full stop.

I think you need to protect finances (not sure why posters here are suggesting that what your lawyer advises probably isn't legal??) and what from it sounds, your AH will not be able to keep up a facade of normalcy at work much longer.

Ethanol-related brain damage is real. Please carry through on the advice of your attorney and counselor and protect yourself. Make your home secure if it is not already.

redatlanta

We suggested she get a second opinion as the suggestion to cut him off from all funds is unusual. It appears that AU is equitable distribution.

I believe that AH is the primary earner. I suppose if she cuts off funds then so can he.

Lawyers don't always do things legally. If they did no one would get disbarred or sanctioned.

jarp

It's a bit more complicated than equitable distribution. Although AH is the bigger earner, it was me who brought the money into the relationship. He actually brought nothing (which should have been the biggest red flag given he was in his mid 30's and a high earner, single, no kids)!!!!!

AH has basically spent all of our 'everyday funds' - the money we have for spending, bills, mortgages etc etc until next pay. He wants to access the equity in our mortgage - so redraw on our mortgage - to stay in 5 star hotel and buy alcohol. He's now added strip clubs to that. A new one for him.

Because my name is also on the title and mortgage I have the legal right to protect this asset, and because of the evidence we have, I can show I did this under the reasonable assumption that he is not competent. I am also protecting HIS asset for HIM.

Next monthly pay, he will get access to 70% of his pay (if he doesn't hide his pay) and he has to make that last the month. The amount I am 'giving him' is equal to the amount I am 'giving' myself...but out of my portion I am paying OUR mortgages, bills, kids costs etc etc. His is to spend on alcohol, hotels and possibly more strippers.

I have now had three lawyers advise me of this.

Also when he loses his job and we do our property settlement, he will get a bigger share because of his alcoholism. So I am protecting the money essentially for HIM.

FireSprite

That is one complicated situation!!!

Hawkeye13

Wouldn't the children be entitled to more money?

Why does the alcoholic get more?

jarp

Because in reality there is a huge liklihood that he will lose his job soon. Hes in his probationary period in a very senior role, and if they dont see results, and he erratically shows for work, then he'll be fired. He's coming across with little functioning at the moment so its unlikely he'll get another job anytime soon.

In that case teh Australian Courts look at 'future needs'. His are greater because he has a recognised illness that is preventing him from working, and he has little or no capacity to work. Whereas I can, and do work, and (God willing) will continue to have good prospects in this area.

The kids of course will tip some more asset into my bucket, but his bucket will be bigger than had he not been a person with an illness and no job.

FeelingGreat

Hi Jarp, I understand your initial reaction to the suggestion of the IO, and other legal measures, and I agree that there might not be much likelihood of him harming or kidnapping while he's sober, but the danger is what happens when he's drunk. If he wants to take the boys from school, it may not be obvious he's affected by alcohol. Even if the teachers suspect something, it's going to be difficult for them to refuse. An IO gives them legal back-up.
I really admire your concern about the assets of your marriage. Many women lose sight of their future financial welfare, and that of the children, and I think you are being very wise. Your prediction about his job prospects are spot on, and it makes sense to start planning as if there will be no income from him in the future. I'm sure that if he was in his right mind he'd agree with you.

jarp

Ive been presented an interesting option for me without inflaming AH but it will protect the kids....


I can remove AH from our sons school enrolment, (which he never signed), remove him off the 'approval to pick up' lists and contact lists.

If he shows the school will call me immediately and detain our son, as he hasn't got approval to pick DS up. He'd then need to prove he is DS's father for them to release him - which he'd be unable to do as I've hidden the birth certificate at my mums place.

If he didn't leave the school would immediately call the police. The school also have security present, and there is a police station across the road. We live inner city and there is good police presence in our area.

Lawyer, school and police are happy with this.

Any thoughts?? What am I missing???

FeelingGreat

Jarp, it would give you some breathing space. The only problem might be if arrives after school and they just go with him. I'm not sure of your arrangements.

chicory

Jarp,
I have been following your thread here, and think you are an amazing woman!

I think the idea is great, about taking him off approved school pickup for your son. Makes total sense to me. Keeping your son safe is the most important thing, and the setting of the school in close proximity to the police is reassuring.

prayers and good wishes,
chicory