mauihope

I am not even sure how this post is going to go. I know that my h has a problem with drinking and that is what brought me to this site. I would read and read and read, do research, trying to figure everything out. He drinks and gets drunk on most weekends, that's what I was focused on....the drinking and how the family was treated in relation to the drinking. Then about a month ago, my son calls me and says he thinks h is having an affair. My son saw some text messages, that seemed inappropriate with another woman (who I don't know). Long story short, I confronted him about the text messages, he denied any wrong doing (and since he had deleted them, I had no proof) and talked with our son about how he must of misinterpreted them........so, that was a month ago. I really didn't feel right about it. My gut instincts knew something was up and I was right.

I was looking over our cell phone account, going over our internet usage, when I looked at my h text messages and phone call records. I was floored at what I saw. Tons of text messages and long phone calls to this woman for months. I was livid (and still am). I confronted him about this and he still denies anything really going on. That they are just friends, it was work related, they have a lot in common, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't even matter at this point. I feel as though he went outside of the marriage to get some of his needs me (he does not deny this).....and this was all during the time we were working on our marriage. I felt that I was doing something wrong, that it was my fault that we couldn't be close. I thought the drinking was the problem, which it is a part of the problem. I truly see who this man is, and I don't want a part of it. I am heartbroken, mad, ashamed, scared, anxious, depressed.....he, of course, now is super attentive, feels bad, doing things to try and make me happy. But, its way too late for that.

thanks for listening. I haven't told anyone in my immediate family about what is going on yet. I am taking each day as it comes and still trying to process everything.

peace

heartbrokenK

I feel your pain.

Shellcrusher

That really does suck!

SallyTaylor

Mauihope - I feel your pain. This happened to me 18 months ago- I found the text messages in Feb 2013 and I only just separated from my alcoholic husband at the beginning of this summer and am close to filing.

When I found the messages (some "I love yous" sent to her while lying in the bed next to me) I literally felt like I could not breathe. The pain was beyond bone-crushing. Everything changed when that happened - it was the stimulus that broke through my denial about a variety of problems in our relationship - the drinking, the disrespect, the lying, this relationship he had (whether physical or not the betrayal feels just as bad when you see your husband sharing intimate emotions with another woman), etc etc. Here's the advice I have - sit with it for a while. Take in what is happening and how you feel. Don't make any rash decisions.

When I found the evidence I blamed myself - I lost 8.8 pounds in 5 days after finding those messages. It was awful what I did to myself in my mind. While I had some vague sense that I did not make that terrible choice - he did - I still could not help going over and over all the things I did wrong. It was like a broken record on repeat.

Get a good therapist. He/she will help you work through that piece and see that you are not to blame. I have to say - it was the trigger that started me on my journey to get stronger. What I found in that journey is that I actually had the capacity to forgive the infidelity - I found the compassion somehow which was absolutely shocking to me - to realize that I could live with that having happened if I choose too. But it has been the other things - lying, drinking, and disrespect that have become the deal breakers. He still denies the infidelity even when confronted with the evidence (which he refuses to look at). That is the lying and disrespect that have essentially killed our future.

Please know YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS. Pause and breathe. Let the pain wash through you - it will come now or later so why not let it come now. And then you can begin your journey of healing. First heal yourself. Then you can decide what you want to do with the relationship. Dr. Steven Stosny has written an amazing book on this topic - Living & Loving After Betrayal. I highly recommend it. He also runs weekend "boot camp" seminars in Maryland. I went to one in May and it literally saved my life. He teaches that compassion is the way through the pain. YOu have to have compassion for yourself first which will build up your core value and self-esteem. Then you will be able to recognize that you are not at fault for others' bad choices and bad behaviors. this will help you feel strong enough to do what you have to do about the relationship. Good luck to you - you are not alone. YOu will survive this and come out stronger. It is hard to see that now but it is true.

iamthird

Dont focus on the woman. I am so sorry it is painful. I have been there. I used to focus on the woman (girl) in my case but its the alcoholism. Either way my marriage is over. Start caring for yourself. That is all you can do. The demise of a family is always awful and I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

bringiton

Shame so many of us know how that feels. Funny, I was siting here feeling totally lost, defeated and like the biggest idiot for these same reasons. I want to crawl into a hole.

hopeful4

It's a sad thing. I encourage you to see a therapist for yourself. I also encourage you to be careful in what you say to your children. I had told my daughter I trust her dad b/c she had told me something similar. I was wrong. I also made my daughter mad in the process b/c she felt as though I did not think she knew what she was talking about.

So sorry.

mauihope

Thank you for your support.

Sally and hopeful ~ one of my next steps is getting a therapist to talk to. I tend to be a very quiet and timid with my feelings and don't put myself out there and ask for help. I need to do it though.

I am not making any quick decisions. At first, I was up and ready to go.....I have calmed down a bit. Doesn't mean I won't be leaving....because deep down, I know that is what I have to do. This is not the first time this type of thing has happened....I feel like the fool that actually believed that he could be trusted. I have told him the predictor of future behavior is past behavior and that actions speak louder than words. And now I have to follow through with my words. I have taught him how to treat me and now I need to be treated with respect and love.

I have not questioned my son about what he saw since he has talked to his dad but I do believe him. He is a pretty perceptive young man and there wouldn't have been any question about the texts if they were truly innocent. And I am doing my best not to focus on the other woman. I don't know her, but found her on facebook and know her number.....i have been tempted to send a nasty message.....but know that will accomplish nothing and just make me look like the crazy b.

Thanks again Sally for the book recommendation. I downloaded in on my kindle last night and have been reading it. I have been betrayed by pretty much all of the things listed and it's quite eye opening. I know I am a forgiving and compassionate person. I could probably get past the indiscretion. However, when it's all added up, everything that just keeps going on, I am realizing that enough is enough. I do love my h, in a weird, co-dependent, first love, kind of way. I just have to put myself and my needs and wants first. My fear was that I would be breaking up the family, but that has already been done.

~~~peace~~~

hopeful4

Glad to hear you will be seeing a therapist, that should help you tons! There is no race, it's a step at a time, and some of those are really slow steps. I am glad you recognize you need to put your needs and wants first, I'm guessing that has not happened in a very long time.

XXX