jarp

Bad for my own recovery...Can i trouble people for some feedback?

AH and I had a counselling session today. It was supposed to be the session with the drug and alcohol counsellor to start mapping out boundaries and 'what if' scenarios around his 'recovery'

In it he said he wasn't committed to being sober, and he didn't really feel the desire to get sober, and definitely wasn't interested in recovery right now. It was a long, painful session and I am exhausted. Lots of things were said that were triggering for me....and I spent an hour in the car after just sobbing my heart out...which I haven't done yet.

The woman was fabulous....treated both if us with such respect. She got us to reach an agreement that he'd move out for 6 months, into a furnished apartment (I raised my fears around financial security with him spending all our money on 5 star hotels and alcohol). She also got him to agree to stop asking to come home, and to not turn up at the house.

That promise lasted 4 hours.

Anyways onto the bad thing. He tells me a mutual friend has offered he can go live there. The mutual friend is someone who has known him for longer, and is a lovely guy, who has 3 kids and a lovely wife. AH spun to him that he'd been kicked out of home because of our 'relationship issues', and he was staying on the street.

So I rang the friend, and filled him in on some of the actual issues. I was concerned he was letting my AH into his home with 3 young kids. I am also concerned that AH will never hit rock bottom while others are picking up the pieces for him.

I did wrong didn't I? I interfered when I shouldn't have. The friend would have discovered the real issues soon enough...I didn't need to speed that up. Did I? This is not what my recovery should look like....is it?

The friend was very appreciative, and doesn't want to expose his kids to that...and is going to fill in his wife so they can make a decision together.

Can I get some feedback.....I'm so exhausted and traumatised and trying to do the right thing by myself and my kids and my own recovery....I am not trusting myself very well at the moment as all my brain power is being spent keeping him away and keeping things really good for the kids. I think I've been doing that bit well....but I am bone weary.

ETA I am worried about my motivations. I have so much buried anger....did I do this just to hurt my AH by ensuring he had no soft place to land...?

biminiblue

It's done. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I don't think it was the wrong thing to do. The children of the friend definitely need to be protected.

readerbaby71

It wasn't wrong. Your friend deserves to know what he was getting into. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Much love and hugs to you. xo

iamthird

I used to do things like that too. I realized I just have to stay in my lane. More importantly if he says he has no desire to be sober or seek recovery...that is what would be jumping out at me. When someone tells you, believe them. We hear that phrase over and over.

ShootingStar1

You didn't do it out of malice or anger or retaliation. You didn't do it to manipulate your AH. You did it out of responsibility for 3 children.

That makes it different in my book.

However, you are going to have a lot more flack to deal with from your AH. On the other hand, the agreement you both made with the counselor was that your AH would get a furnished apartment for 6 months and not come back to your house, and he has already broken both of those promises.

What's done is done, so just call today "Day Zero" and begin again. From my experience, setting boundaries and living within them ourselves takes quite a bit of practice, so don't be hard on yourself or give it any more thought. Learn what you want from what you did and move on.

You deserve the peace.

ShootingStar1

Hawkeye13

I think you were right to let the friend know because of the children.

I mean, you are trying to protect your children by keeping him away, so not letting
the friend at least know what they are agreeing to really would be wrong.

totallytrying

I also think you were right to let the friend know. He has children to think of, and it was good that you gave him that warning.

Thumper

Agree with everyone above. It was a good decision.

I'm thinking about you and sending out virtual strength. The breaking free part is so hard. It takes so much. I hope you find some time and space for a respite from the crazy. ((((hug))))

PurpleKnight

I wouldn't worry about it, it's a good thing the friend and his wife are in the loop of the context of things!!

FireSprite

I would've done the same thing - if it was just the friend I would not have interfered, but IMO I don't think we're EVER wrong to protect {anyone's} children from the effects of alcoholism.

bringiton

Hang in there Jarp!! There are far worse things you could have done than try to help those children. The final decision is still up to the other couple. Sorry you are suffering, it sounds so totally upsetting and frustrating - him saying he was ready and now he isn't.

Eddiebuckle

I agree - it's done, quit beating yourself up. These people would figure it out rather quickly.

This would be a good thing to discuss with the counselor, though, to examine your motives. Did you believe that their children were truly at risk, or was there an element of punishment to letting the cat out of the bag?

dandylion

OH Jarp.....I would have done the exact thing, myself in your shoes.

Besides, you said that this is a mutual friend. I certainly would not let a friend of mine walk into a hornet's nest without a heads up.

For Pete's sake....you are doing the very best you can in a nightmarish situation. That is the most you or anyone can do!

You are emotionally exhausted by now.

Nobody is judging you. Nobody. Don't worry....you are doing just fine.

Getting some rest should be your first priority, right now.
You need your own health in order to cope with the next upcoming weeks.

dandylion

redatlanta

I would have done the exact same thing.

If the friend chooses to allow him to come at least he is doing so with full disclosure. In actuality you have not stopped anything it can still happen.

I feel you may have to deal with some issues should AH discover what you have done.

At least Ah told you the truth and you know where it stands. I am sorry Jarp I was hoping he would want it.

53500

I also agree you did the right thing.

chicory

I agree that you did the right thing. If someone with a mental problem was headed toward your house, would you not want a heads up? (hubs does have a problem, no doubt-addiction is a mental illness too, I believe)

This family wont have to suffer with wondering, trying to get the truth, guilt of dealing with putting him out, which they no doubt would... You save their children from what you are protecting your own children from.
No guilt,ok? You are a very caring person.
I hope you get some rest, and that you are able to detach from his garbage, see things for what they are, and decide what would make you and the children happy.

best wishes and a hug.

BlueChair

If your question is about your own recovery then I would look closely at it because you had completed what you called an exhausting session, and cried for an hour. Then he tells you this and you immediately react by calling his longtime friend to tell your side of the relationship problem.

Don get me wrong Im not saying the friend shouldnt know your worries about his drinking in order to make a proper decision, but was it for the safety of is kids you called at that moment? Only you can say.

I bring this up because there will likely be more friends and family who support him, feel sorry for him, want to help him, and how will you react?

whats done is done, and now they can work it out.

Santa

I don't think it was wrong. I worried terribly when my ex rebounded into a relationship with a woman and her 13-year-old son. The GF (also a drinker) moved them in with him...I was happy that my ex was leaving me alone but felt terrible for that boy. They moved back out in less than a year. I didn't interfere as I didn't know her and so it was none of my business. But if it was a mutual friend with (especially younger) children, who had no idea what was going on, I would at least convey a few indisputable facts so they could make a more informed decision. Factual, not emotional: AH just got out of detox, he says he does not want to get sober, you should know.

There's keeping to your side of the street and then there's keeping secrets for the alcoholic.

honeypig

Yes, I agree. I think you did right, and I think that way for 2 reasons:

1) The friend is a mutual friend. Had it been only a friend of his, I would have let things progress at their own rate and in their own way. I would certainly inform a friend of mine about what they were walking into.

2) As others have mentioned, there are kids involved. What if he offered to "help pay his way" for being allowed to stay there by picking those kids up or taking them to some kind of event and drove drunk and a tragedy occurred? Could you ever live w/yourself for NOT speaking up about his issues?

That's my 2 cents. I think you did fine and shouldn't worry one more second about it.

Argnotthisagain

Personally, I think you did right by your friends, kids or not. Certainly having an unstable, lying drunk around kids is even more worrisome, but the adults don't deserve the guaranteed trauma they'd have to face if he moved in with them.

You did the right thing for them. No more worried on their behalf.

As for yourself, sure, there may be some of your own anger creeping in...how human of you, right? I don't think recovery is abut making perfect scores. It's learning to see when the things we do and our emotions--when are we reacting to our jacked up emotions and "crazy" thought, hurting ourselves as a result. We practice checking ourselves so that we can start doing different.

My two cents, and a coffee.