wantfreedom62

Hi,

I've been an alanon member, since around oct 2012, due to my relationship with an alcoholic/addict.

Where I live in Suburbia, I've found alot of the meetings, "control" heavy by a few people, and lacking experience strength and hope, many who divorced their alcoholic loved one 20 yrs ago now talk about job problems. Great, good for them.

Problem i have and it hadnt hit me until last week, is most of them "forgot" what its like to live with active alcoholism in their life. In the meeting formats some meetings say "in alanon we keep the focus on ourselves not on the alcoholic"..

But i can't find this anywhere on the web on alanon official WSO sites?

Last week i was sharing how my loved one, made a surprise un-invited visit to my house, i didnt answer the door, i maintained my boundaries, I was quite scared and so forth......I WAS COMPLETELY focused on HOW I DEALT with active alcoholism in my life.

After my share one woman said to the chair person "ummmm "in alanon we keep the focus on ourselves not on the alcoholic"..,,,then the chairperson (who was a sub, and doesnt usually do any service, said "in alanon we keep the focus on ourselves not on the alcoholic"..

I felt judged, chastised, totally inappropriately.

Several women afterwards told me they thought that was inappropriate and the one who initiated the chair to state the phrase has alot of control issues...


My therapist thinks its absolultely INSANE that you're at a meeting of people affected by alcholism and you're being shunned for talking about a recent crisis.

DOES ANYBODY know if ALANON has an offical position on this? I wrote WSO, didnt hear back yet.

I wasnt giving a drunk-a-log, bottle count, i was talking about HOW I DEALT with an active alcoholic, set boundaries and took care of myself.

Appreciate any links, or experience strength and hope from members here. ALanon has no official protocol on crosstalk. They encourage "loving interchange" of experience strentgh and hope. THIS WASNT LOVING, it was an attack.

Tnx

NWGRITS

I don't have any links, but a member should never be chastised for their share. No, we generally don't talk about the alcoholic, but if blurting something out helps you cope in any way, then go for it. It'll probably hekp someone else, whether they acknowledge it or not. I've shared plenty of memories and experiences with my AM during meetings. I think it's impossible to walk the Al-Anon journey without some mention of your qualifier. Your relationship with them is why you're there in the first place. It really sounds like someone was just up on their high horse and showing their behind in the process. I'm sorry that happened to you.

NoelleR

"...In the meeting formats some meetings say 'in alanon we keep the focus on ourselves not on the alcoholic'..
But i can't find this anywhere on the web on alanon official WSO sites?..."

I don't know aout the Al-Anon site, but I have given some of their literature cursory glances, and a bit of reading. Check out "How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholic;" pg 16; Changing Our Focus; where it starts out by saying.....: What we don't do is spend a lot of time talking about the alcoholic. Instead we learn to put the focus on ourselves.

(o:
NoelleR

P.S. ...but like AA, there are NO rules.

iamthird

I have not had that particular problem but I did attend a few that were not for me. I had to keep trying until I found a meeting that made me comfortable.

BBTaco

Hey WantFreedom, if you are in NYC, I have tried a few places and finally found a great one that definitely wouldn't chastise you like that! How crazy. Anyway, I can PM you with some good meetings, or just keep trying different ones until you find one you like.

readerbaby71

Sounds like it's time to find a new meeting. Sorry that happened to you. xo

lizatola

Sounds like cross-talk to me, and it's pretty much stated in our meetings that we are not to address another member while they are talking or even just after they finish. We share what we share and if things need to be said, it's done afterwards privately.

I would find a new meeting if you can. I've been to meetings all over the country and I've never seen this except for once when a new person(about 3 months in) jumped on another new person(about 1 meeting in) for enabling an addict child. It was weird, but the 3 month person stopped coming and the other person stuck around anyway.

CodeJob

Personally I could use a little more talk about the qualifier at my meeting.

As a newer member, it gets irritating for half the meeting to be sucked up with reading the directions and people saying thank you to the chair and that they are a proud member of Al Anon. Yeah yeah,

Yeah, cut to the chase. But even now after attending the same home meeting for 5 months I really do not know much about why the fellow meeting people are there! For example, one woman comes regularly and is vague in her shares. Then she cried her eyes out suddenly over taking the keys from someone physically larger than her. Now we all sat there and watched her cry. I felt like we should have asked her who the person was and told her she was protecting others by keeping the keys out of his hands. I would think a small amount of clarification and reassurance is not cross talk? If I need to watch people cry, I want to know a little more plot line personally...

biminiblue

The first AlAnon meeting I went to was after a DV incident with my qualifier.

I was an emotional wreck. I was told that it made others uncomfortable and that I needed therapy.

Well...that's...helpful?

honeypig

I agree that meetings can vary WIDELY in their usefulness to any particular person. I've found that it can be very worthwhile for me to attend a meeting that isn't necessarily the closest to my house or at the most convenient time if it's a good meeting that helps me grow and at which I feel support.

They surely aren't all of an even quality, and I also have felt frustration when we are 20 or 25 minutes into an hour-long meeting and all we've done is read the instructions, the steps, the traditions, and say our first names. Then, if the lead for that meeting has a long-winded lead topic, you can end up w/maybe 20 minutes for the rest of the group to share, especially when considering the closing reading, the "Alanon cheer" and so on...

But I've also found good ones. And as my RAH has pointed out to me, if I'm unhappy w/the way a certain meeting is run, I can always ask for a group conscience meeting to be held to address the problems and see if the format or policy can be changed or maybe just enforced a bit more if it's already in place. And there is always the option to start a new group outright, if things become really intolerable.

All in all, I find a lot more good than I do bad, and I feel fortunate in that. Not everyone has as many choices in what meeting they attend as I do in my area.

ETA: I have found that book study meetings tend to meet my needs better than some others, so I try to seek those out. I went to one that used "Paths to Recovery" for a while; then my schedule changed and I was able to locate one using "How It Works." I liked both quite a lot.

Bullfrog

I think there are sticklers for certain issues in every meeting. I have not experienced what you have at all, but we have one lady who is the enforcer of the Only Al Anon Literature Is Referenced guideline. At first, it annoyed me, because you would get scolded if you referenced Hazeldan literature, but now I appreciate it. But respect is key.

I might try a new meeting if there is not respect at your meeting.

schnappi99

Chastise for sharing == bad form. Even if your share was stark raving madness the only comment should be "keep coming back". Would not go back to a meeting where somebody is attempting to control.

I've been to a few meetings with only old-timers with no active alcoholism around, kept looking for other meetings. That said the 4th or so I went to (and eventually stayed as my home group) the old-timers were my 1st ray of hope in at least a year that things could get better. True I have more in common with the other newbs.. I talk with them a lot in the "meeting" after.. but I am so happy to see those old timers every meeting

choublak

That's probably why she has "job problems" and who knows what other issues.

SeriousKarma

My home group loosely follows the guidelines, yet the meetings are always well attended, and run smoothly, cross-talk and all. In fact, I had been going for about a year before I ever heard the term "cross-talk" even mentioned. Even then it was only said in a "Well, we're not supposed to have cross talk, but go ahead....kind of way. I think it's the most popular group in the area because we always follow the rule "There are no musts in Alanon.".

I hope you find a meeting where you have a better experience. Or maybe take the suggestion by Honeypig and ask for a group conscience. You clearly weren't the only person annoyed by how things went. Maybe your group just needs some tweaking.

Good Luck

(I feel this overwhelming urge to apologize to you for how you were treated. Is that codie of me? Yeah.... I think that's a bit codie. Haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks. )

wantfreedom62

Thanks alot of good comments here. I did bring it up for group concious tonight, they said it will be discussed for 3 weeks in a row then voted on.

I proposed a change in the format similar to what was shared here above. The one who did the cross talk at this face2face meeting recognized it was about her comment, she did apologize which is nice, maybe that will be enough. She's generally a chatter mouth, constantly speaking out of turn, like she's the co-chair and she's not.
this saturday night meeting im referring too has a few consistent old timer women who are cool,. but in summer alot of them are off on vacations and stuff, so i guess this other one is just kinda trying to dominate, etc...

here's the wording i suggested be added to the script/meeting format:

" we do not speak out of turn, and that we are not to address another member while they are talking or even just after they finish and the chairperson may re-read these guidelines if necessary"

I kept my pitch simple, i kept it in the "i", i simply said we can't have a free-for-all, of every member in the meeting commenting, or judging a share. The chairperson tonight (one of the veterans), said the line they usually use, for newcomers (i forgot but its a good one). In other words, a experienced alanon person would never shut up a newcomer or tell them "we talk about ourselves not the alcoholic"....(they have another phrase which i forgot which is gentle and super alanon)...

I also brought some articles with me from alanon, about shaming, and the need for open and honest sharing without being shamed.

Overall good progress. the rest is up to HP.


Tnx all for the comments.

jarp

http://www.pa-al-anon.org/AWSC_Binde...kvsSharing.pdf


I found this alanon statement about cross talk and sharing....don't know if it helps....

jamaicamecrazy

The meeting that I go to always reminds us that there is no cross talk because people need to be able to speak without judgement-which is so rare in alcoholic households. When a member goes off in their share some other members will speak to them AFTER the meeting. I know for myself it is sometimes difficult to listen to certain people share. Sometimes because I want to give them advice and sometimes because what they say triggers something in me. I always try to figure out what it is about their sharing that makes me uncomfortable and that is usually an enlightening process. I hope this does not turn you off to meetings. Maybe you should ry a few others if possible to see if there is a better fit for you.