Georgie1

Hi all, wow I've been looking through the forums and finally realise I am not alone in dealing with all this. I have been with my AH for about 8yrs, he has been going to AA for about three years with a relapse every 3-4months. I am away with work a lot and I came back the other day to him passed out drunk, I knew someone had been in the house as I found the remnants of a sexual encounter in the floor, anyways long story short he had called up someone to come round to give him a massage??but said he can't remember anything else happened, to top it off it was in my bed, the bed I slept in that night without knowing! I feel so disgusted with it all, I've cleaned up after him for years, supported him through numerous jobs, called the ambulance when he was choking on vomit, turning blue and unconscious from drinking and taking his antidepressants at the same time and dragged him to meetings after his relapses, now I found this out how many more times has this prob happened? Sorry for the long post, to be honest I don't know what to expect but needed to vent, I don't really feel anything at the moment, just emptiness? Is this normal?
Thank you x

Dee74

I'm sorry for whats bought you here Georgie but I'm glad you found us - you'll find a lot of support here

D

NWGRITS

I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. What you're feeling is normal. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. And don't for one second think that any of it is a reflection on you. Nothing you did or didn't do made this happen. I hate to say it, but you may want to have yourself tested for STDs, and refrain from any type of intimate relations with him. Once the emptiness passes, you'll likely feel angry. That's normal too, and I'd use that to put a boot up his a$$. Well... that's what I'd do, anyway. Keep posting and reading here. We're here for you!

Georgie1

Thank you for your kind thoughts, i honestly thought if he did cheat that would be it but I feel nothing, it felt worse when I caught him text flirting with a girl from AA, cried like a baby. I'm very confused, he said he will do anything to fix it then goes away for a few days to see family, hmmmmm fix it more like he's running away from it?

Butterfly

Hi Georgia welcome to SR I am sorry for what you are going through and that your situation brought you here but you will receive a lot of support and encouragement.

Sending you hugs

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Georgie. After all you've been living with, I'd guess that feeling empty is pretty normal. I hope you can spend more time reading here--glad you've already gotten the message that you are NOT alone, and your situation is NOT unique. There are tons of others here who can relate and who can offer you hope and share their experience.

Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, either. Here's one you might find useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also suggest that you let HIM take care of getting to his AA meetings and that you start going to Alanon for yourself. You need and deserve help and support every bit as much as he does. The combo of Alanon as a face-to-face resource and SR online has worked well for me; it might for you too.

Again, glad you made your way to us here at SR. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Georgie1

Thank you, the article was very informative! Do you find al-anon helps? I'm very nervous about going, feel very uncomfortable in groups of people since this all started. Don't really know whether I could manage it? Thanks for your advice all x

Chelsea1029

Welcome and sorry you are going through this. No one should have to live that way...life is too short. Please take care of yourself.

BBTaco

Al-Anon HELPS! I was reluctant at first too. I have been to about 7 meetings since ABF went missing 4 weeks ago, and let me say it has made a big difference. I went from the girl in the back of the room crying her eyes out who didn't speak, to the one finally able to share her story...and I'm not the only one! So many similar stories! It truly helps.

So sorry you are going through this, Georgie! xoxo

honeypig

Almost everyone who's gone to Alanon has had the same misgivings and concerns as you, Georgie. This post from the stickies might help you make a decision: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

There is a saying in Alanon, "we are as sick as our secrets." Opening up about what's going on in your life to people who understand and who you trust (much the same as you've done by coming here to SR) can be a life-changing experience. But in Alanon, you will not be pressed or asked to share anything more than you wish to at any time. Many of us have gone and just listened until whenever we felt ready to share, whether that was 1 meeting, 5 meetings, 50 meetings.

I'm sure more folks will chime in here regarding Alanon, and I'd like to share one more Alanon saying, the 3 C's regarding your A's alcoholism: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. That's a good starting point.

Keep coming back!

Recovering2

The hardest thing any of us do is walk through the door and into that first AlAnon meeting. I didn't even make it in the door of my first! I sat in my car in the parking lot, watching people walk in. I let my fear get the best of me, and I drove home. Kicked myself for not going in. So I tried again 2 nights later, and guess what? Nothing bad happened! People were friendly. I was able to listen to people share, and I didn't have to say a word. I cried for most of the meeting, and people didn't make a big deal out of it. I soon learned that this was a really safe place. For that one hour, I felt a little better listening to others. Over time, I stopped crying, and felt that I wanted to share. Know that a particular meeting may not be the right "fit" for you. There are usually different meetings in most areas, you can google it on line. Meetings have different formats. Some are women only, there are Beginner meetings, etc. A lot of meetings have child care. It's suggested that a person try 6 meetings before deciding if it's for them or not.
What have you got to lose by trying a few meetings??? It's free, only an hour out of your day, and it's anonymous. You're worth it.

Georgie1

Thank you all for your response, I think it's time to at least try alanon. We've lost most of our friends through this and now with his cheating I feel like I could use some friendly faces! I'm also going through a stressful promotion at work and just don't think I can do that anymore with all this, will keep going as long as I can, I owe it to myself to at least try, thank you again from the bottom of my heart and please all stay safe x x

NWGRITS

In regards to him taking off after making those sweet promises to you... there's a saying you'll see here now and again, "Close your ears and open your eyes." Words are an A's best friend. Words can coerce and manipulate, comfort and bring hope to desperate codependent hearts. When we focus on what they're saying, we're ignoring what they're doing until there's a problem. And then we're lulled back into that false sense of security. Wash, rinse, repeat. Pay attention to what he's doing. That tells you everything you need to know.

ladyscribbler

Alanon has been a tremendous resource for my recovery. I am very shy, but Alanon has brought me out of my shell and given me confidence and self esteem.
My ex was also a binge drinker- it sounds like that's what you've described, a cycle of binge drinking, rather than a few months of sobriety and a "relapse." It was very confusing for me because it made me doubt whether he was a "real" alcoholic. There were periods where he could abstain completely and even times when he could have a couple of drinks and then stop. I also thought these were periods of sobriety, but they were really just part of a binge cycle. He has since progressed to daily blackout drinking, but I know the the binge cycle kept me stuck for a long time because he seemed to be able to abstain from or control his drinking sometimes, especially in the beginning.

Georgie1

It was like that in the beginning, binges and black out days lasting for three or four days, now he is in AA it's like in recovery for about three to four months and then out of the blue he drinks! In a way I find this worse as your starting to rebuild some foundation to repair the marriage and then just snatched away again, if he drank every day then at least would never expect anything from him. Nwgrits pretty much summed it up, supposedly now he's going to fix everything and it will be amazing, i have heard this so so many times, the cheating though he can't fix! It's not like even a one night stand from the pub this is full on inviting someone round to my home, my bed when I was due to get home from work at ten pm! Do the dirty get them out and be asleep for when I got home, disgusting!

Georgie1

He also keeps saying that I have to give him credit for trying at least and going to AA, but he struggles, I know it's a struggle I can't imagine how hard it must be but how many times do you allow the pain he causes me to rip me apart inside?

honeypig

Georgie, you do not "have to give him credit" for ANYTHING. Not a damn thing. That is so classic alcoholic of him to say! It is typical for them to want a ticker tape parade and a brass band b/c they've just completed some minor task that the rest of us do every single day w/o a thought. If he didn't drink to excess in the first place, there'd be NO NEED to "give credit" for going to AA!

His alcoholism and his recovery are just that--HIS. YOU are responsible for YOU (and the kids, since clearly he can't/won't be). Sure, if he's really trying to work his recovery, it's going to be hard. But tell me, how easy is it on YOUR side of the street, Georgie? Who's giving YOU credit for all you do?

ladyscribbler

Using AA meetings to space out drinking binges is not sobriety, nor does it seem to be the tremendous accomplishment he is making it out to be, especially in light of his recent infidelity. I agree that is disgusting and disrespectful behavior.
What do you want? As bad as these events have been, they will not be all bad if you use them as a catalyst to propel you forward into whatever life you want to be living, whether that is with him or not.