I'm having a hard time forgiving myself.
 

I posted a thread in another section about the breakup of my alcoholic fiance and I. I can't post the link, but I believe it's a rather new one. I believe it's in the Alchoholism Recovery section.

I'm riddled with the longing of my fiance, I miss her so very much and the anxiety and thought without her and starting my life over is sometimes too much to handle. I started Al Anon and a counselor and I hope that helps. It doesn't help that she was the apple of my eye. A truly beautiful woman that I shared my deepest emotions with. Our connection was very close and deep. I've never felt so hollow in my life. I can't get her back, at least not now and I feel deep guilt and regret for how I treated her alcoholism. Towards the end I actively called her an alcoholic and she would vehemently deny it. It would make me angry because of the hope and broken promises. It went on for a long time.

I just feel that if I went to Al Anon sooner and adopted their principles, I would've better handled the situation and we'd of been happier. I did alot of research about alcoholism, but not enough on forgiving her and accepting the situation.

I don't want to be riddled with doubt, regret, anxiety any longer. I know I must accept the situation, but it's all so very hard for me. I know there's only so much I can do and I'm trying to do the best to heal myself. I ran 5-6 miles today. More than I ever have. Just to get rid of the pain.

I know I'm doing everythin I can do, but is there anything else besides time that will help? Thanks very much in advance.

Hello and welcome SR, VDrummer.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had too.

Well, I know it's hard but try to take it easy on yourself for now. When things get stirred up, emotions run soo strong.

I've been working on this stuff for over 6 years now with my AW (Alcoholic Wife). She went through therapy and relapsed many times. She is currently active. (Drinking)

I know that reading and posting helps alot. I see that you're already in Alanon. That is good. After 6 six years, I finally went last night. It was specifically a mens recovery program. The advice they all gave me as the newcomer was to go to at least 6 different meetings. Then decide which one fits you the best and just keep coming.

I wish you the best man. I was in your shoes once. I married that fiance. I have a wonderful son with my AW. My choices these days are exceptionally more difficult now than they would have been back then. That is honest 20/20.

Edit: The first thing I picked up around here was the 3 Cs.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

drummer, you're being a little hard on yourself bud. SHE was the one with the drinking problem, it created a lot of drama between you and even when you expressed that it bothered you, she refused to quit. in fact, she left.

sounds like she's been a party girl all along. and has a "lifestyle" that is centered around drinking...working at a bar, freinds are all in the bar scene, and those are who she went to immediately.

i'm so glad you are already taking positive steps for YOU! as time goes by you'll be able to look back over the time you guys had together and be a bit more objective (not that you aren't NOW, you're just still deep in the sea of emotions!) and the gild will be off the lily and it might not look as fabulous as it FEELS right now. you might see her in a different light too.

bottom line - people break up all the time. for lots of reasons. this does not diminish your experience, just might help with perspective. you'll get thru this, one day at a time!!!

Vintagedrummer, welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you're looking for here.

I guess I'm not quite clear on what you can't forgive yourself for. You state that you called her an alcoholic and she vehemently denied it. That's pretty much what they ALL do, and no big surprise to most around here. Do you think you were wrong to call her an alcoholic when she IS one?

You state that you wish you'd found Alanon and followed their principles of forgiving and accepting the situation sooner. Hmmm--are you saying you wish you'd found Alanon sooner b/c it would have allowed you to stay w/her? If her behavior was unacceptable and you weren't even married yet, how bad do you think it would have gotten in a year, 2, 5, 10, 20 (assuming she lived that long, brutal though it sounds)?

I just read your original post, and it sounds to me like both of you have a LOT of issues to work on before either one of you is relationship material. You received some good insights in that thread, and I hope you can take them to heart. It may not seem like it now, but I think you both received a gift--the gift of time to each figure out your own lives.

I'm glad that you did find Alanon and I hope, between that and SR, you are able to grow and find a healthier life w/happiness, peace and joy. It IS out there, and you'll get there if you try.

Wishing you clarity and strength in the days to come.

Part of my Alanon recovery is going to be making amends to my ex. There are many things for which I owe an apology. It's part of the program. Another part has been learning to forgive myself for my mistakes.
And there's no guarantee that you two would have been any happier or that your relationship would have worked out if you had found Alanon sooner. There are things that you might have handled better, sure, but Alanon is not a magic wand to fix a broken relationship.
It also sounds like drinking is her #1 priority in life, if she is losing relationships because of it and still not examining herself. Breakups hurt, but that doesn't mean they are all bad. You may have just dodged a bullet.

I read your other post as well.
Yeah man, I think it's time to do nothing but work on you.

You have an amazing gift right in front of you.
It's called a choice. Make it for yourself. I promise you those choices will get harder if you stay on this path with her.

My father once said, If I was your age, I'd have completed 2 PhDs by the time I'm the age I am now. He's 67. I'm almost 40.

His point. I have sooo much life in front of me.

So, here's the thing: Whether you're 20 or 40, losing someone you love hurts, and you keep going back and wondering what you could have done differently.

Addiction complicates that. Whatever kind of addiction it is. Addiction to alcohol, addiction to porn, addiction to another person or a relationship.

Right now you're in the worst of it. Al-Anon is a great place to be. Because no matter how much you would have forgiven your ex, and loved her, it would not have made her stop drinking. And trust me, after 20 years married to an alcoholic, I can tell you this: It is no life.

Shellcrusher talked about what you can do in the next 20 years. I often think about what I could have done in the past 20, had I not spent all my time and energy trying to get an alcoholic to quit drinking.

Take care of yourself. Become the man you want to be. That's the biggest gift you can give yourself.

i guess it will feel like the end of the world for a time, but soon i hope you will come to see that to love someone you can let them go and just be happy for them, and enjoy the time you had together with a smile and not sadness

i know it sounds easy and its not when your stuck in pain but in time you might start to feel that way
good luck