thotful

I have made it abundantly clear to my mother that if sibling 1, 2, or their wives are present at any function, then I will not be. They have refused to reconcile their differences with my wife and I. (refuse counseling even though one couple are counselors themselves, etc.)

Yesterday, she sent an e-mail to several people that didn't include the estranged people about her usual SUNDAY dinner. She wants to take family pictures, etc. I have little reason to believe the estranged people would not be there. My mother did not explicitly state anything about it, so they probably will be there. (elephant in the room?)

I simply do not want to go if they're going to be there. Not 5 mins, not 1 hour, not at all. It's like dragging my face across glass painful. It's not something I would enjoy. So why go at all? Obligation? Want to see other family, but they seem to rarely make an effort to respect the boundaries I have set?

My question is this: Do I even bother responding? Do I ask explicitly if any of the estranged people will be there? Or, do I just state clearly "if person 1, 2, 3, or 4 will be there, I will not".

Thoughts?

lillamy

I would just straight-up ask her. If she says no, I would go. If you go and the people you don't want to see are there, I would leave and then text/e-mail Mom and say "since you were not truthful with me, I will not attend any family functions I'm invited to."

AnvilheadII

just don't go....problem with the who's on first issues is resolved. it's an invite, you can decline.

CodeJob

Thotful,

I went back and read some of your posts as each time this you write about your boundary with your sibs my English major self questions what is being masked or left out?

It is your boundary. You mentioned before your mom has no backbone so you are likely expecting too much from her to drag her into the mechanics of you avoiding your brothers. Your 2 brothers are heavy drinkers, so was this whole thing started when everyone was drinking? What does your wife think? Are you sure at this juncture you aren't pitching for attention or that you want to save them all with recovery?

Why don't you have the family you want to see over to your place? Are you itching for a scene?

Hey my family is a mess - so maybe I am reading too far into your posts.

NWGRITS

I think CodeJob has pretty much nailed it. Something isn't quite meshing here, so I figure some detail is missing. If you're looking to save them all, give it up. I don't know why you're trying to drag people to counseling who obviously don't want it. If you're fishing for attention, give it up. This can all be remedied by going No Contact. You won't change any of them, you have no obligation to them, and they don't seem to be hurting too badly without you around. Really, you're doing this to yourself by agonizing over something that's pretty simple. Back away, throw yourself into recovery, and let them do whatever they're going to do-- without you.

thotful

I had not intention whatsoever to attend the gathering. I'm not interested in a scene. However, I'm not interested in lying either. They're welcome to be in denail. I will not be. Being honest (say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean) isn't me trying to get attention, save people, etc. I want to truly be myself, and nothing else.

I'm feeling confused as to what you're missing. I don't leave anything out.

I am not estranged from my mother, but I am from two siblings.

My hesitation was the kind of response:

1. NONE at all

2. Directly reference that I will not be there due to the siblings (ie reference boundary) - and how much would be trying to control them versus being simple, direct, clear.

I chose to respond in the following manner:

First, I thanked her for the invitation. Second, I stated that since I expect sibling 1, 2, wife 1, and/or wife 2 to be there, my wife and I will not be present. Third, I let them know that I would love to see them (the people I'm not estranged from, that is).

Strange thing about my life - with some of these events, I'm not sure whether or not my siblings had been drinking before hand. The same can be said of my father - it's like his "normal" is a few drinks, so I really don't know how much he has had - I wonder if that's the same with my siblings? Are they drinking everyday? Possibly. They don't get hammered, so it's not deadly obvious. Because I've lived so much of my life hiding my father's drinking under the rug, I wonder if I barely even see the alcohol. As in, is it invisible to me? To I sit and wonder how much they've really had, or is it that elephant that I've ignored for so long, it's like camouflaged from me.

I appreciate the reminder that I can really do nothing for them.

The real question is always how to be my best ME. How do I represent myself? If I let their expected response dictate how I behave, aren't I letting them control me in some fashion?

I guess I have no easy answers. The thing that works the best has always been taking care of me, being the healthiest, strongest, best ME. THat's it.

And no, I'm not going to attend some gathering because of what feels like FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT (family fog). No thanks.

CodeJob

Thotful,

Guess you and your wife won't be in those family pics. Maybe you should take family pics for your holiday card with an elephant? Or maybe snag a fog machine to set a Codie scene?

Might as well be clever with your boundary.