EmmyG

I feel like I've made progress lately. I haven't cried at ALL lately. Separated AH is still keeping up his end of things financially and helping with the kids (except for the occasional bender where he's MIA for a day or two of course). He is making progress with the health issues and has mentioned starting counseling and working on himself so he can be the best dad possible and do right by us, but my new approach is to completely stay on my side of the street. I keep our contact to a minimum and only discuss the boys with him. That's pretty much it.
I also don't bring up drinking at all.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with being a single mother. I LOVE those boys and we are closer than ever. Every night they are safe and comfortable and they don't have to deal with the stress or arguing anymore. I just completed my first semester of school successfully, so I'm very happy about that

One positive thing about AH is he has never shouted at them or been mean or abusive. They are very loving toward each other. So the only thing I really need to do to protect them is make sure they don't ever have to be subjected to him drunk. When he is responsible for them, he seems to be good about being responsible. So far. But I know alcoholism progresses.

Anyway, I am reading a lot about detachment lately. That is the only thing I struggle with. I still worry about him. I worry that he is going to go on a bender and something bad will happen and he won't be here for the kids and they'll be destroyed. I feel this need to check and make sure he's ok. But from what I've read, the more you do that, the longer they go without feeling the pain of their addiction. I keep trying to tell myself that. I feel a sense of duty because he has no family here and because my boys love their daddy. Is letting go of that the best thing I could do for him?

I had to change insurance with the new job and it kicks in tomorrow finally. I got a list of therapists. Would you recommend an addiction specialist for me? Or a regular therapist? I found that my prior counselor didn't understand alcoholism and almost made me feel like I was unreasonable for not being willing to stay with a drunk (she suggested I leave our home when he was out drinking).

dandylion

EmmyG----from my point of view, I think that it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that you find someone who has a track record of EXPERIENCE in alcoholism.....

Be careful, here....when looking at profiles...many therapists (good therapists) will give a long laundry list of areas that they will see.....
BUT, I have found that most of them are not knowledgeable enough unless they have specialized in it to some extent. If you can find someone who is a long-recovered alcoholic, themselves...so much the better! "takes one to know one"...LOL.

Down the road...you may decide that you have some personal issues of your own that need a different kind of therapist.....that is o.k., also.....

This is only drawing from my own particular experience,.....of course.

dandylion

FireSprite

Hey Emmy, so glad to read a good update from you! I think personally, yes, an addiction specialist would be best equipped to help you in therapy but I don't have first-hand experience with that.

As to your other question: Is letting go of that the best thing I could do for him? IMO, yes. But I know how much of a struggle it is to see it that way sometimes. It clicked for me when someone worded it differently & said to think about it as giving them the dignity of making their own decisions & mistakes. (which sounds much more positive than detaching sometimes)

That struck a chord in me because as painful as it is to watch DD go through rites of passage I can keep detached knowing that she has to go through this stuff on her own in order to mature & grow..... and although entirely different, it's kinda the same with RAH as well. RAH has a big issue with emotional maturity & I don't think he's going to be able to "fix" that if I keep stepping in & problem-solving for him. HTH!

hopeful4

I did counseling with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. It was essential b/c if they don't understand then they seem to not be able to grasp why we do the things we do.

Good luck and God Bless!

EmmyG

Thanks, FireSprite. Something else I read that clicked with me was the thought "Has what I've been doing helped so far?" And the answer is no. I've tried nagging, controlling, begging, pleading. All it does is make him resentful. It's his life, and although it's sad to see him do this when he has so much potential to be happy, he is a grown man. I was no good to my children living there with him, trying to tip-toe and cater to his moods and anxiety.

SparkleKitty

Very proud of you, EmmyG. Your journey continues to be an inspiration.