meggem

Use your head not your heart. That was great advice for me.

I filed for divorce in June. He went to rehab in October and I remember posting about the days he was sober, and I got a similar reply about X days was "nothing" and it stung me because I didn't get it. When I heard that not drinking was one thing- but actual recovery and working a program was the hard part, I didn’t get it. I thought it would come hand in hand.

I thought 30 days in rehab and 60 days of outpatient was going to be a miracle worker. But it wasn’t. I knew it was going to be a long road but I for sure thought this would be a jump start... but he was 75% the same person. Same behaviors. Then he started using the “I have been using alcohol to cope for 20 years, I am learning for the first time how to handle my emotions” card which while I am sure is true, but I decided my girls and I were no longer going to pay the price.

Since I have told him it was over (June) in many ways he is worse than he was when he was drinking.


I would come on here and report the most ridiculous victories. I think we went to outlets one day and we got pizza and I reported that I had to say “what” 3 times and he didn’t get mad. I was proud. I looked back on that post a few weeks ago and could not believe that was me talking.

So - clearly she is still drinking and even if she wasn't, 9 days is not nearly enough to determine anything either way.

TalenCrowhaven

I'm sure they want you back in the caretaker role, so they don't have to deal with her.

Hang in there and do what is best for you.

Hockeyerik

No worries hollow. I think we have all done our share of hijacking. That's what good conversation does, one thing leads to another.

hopeful4

This, this, this. You read it time and time again on here!!!! Family are normally the biggest enablers of all. They don't want to see it and they surely don't know what to do about it. So so sorry.

Hockeyerik

Thanks hopeful. I have read it and heard it so many times and I truly believe it. That's why I am not packing up and going home. We have to get out of denial about our A's behaviors and then we have face reality about the other enablers in their life.

hopeful4

Just by you realizing this you are steps ahead of many! Good for you, stay strong!

Shellcrusher

Hi Hockeyerik,

My inlaws came to my house the other day because my AW was hammered out of her head.

While in my house, they tried multiple times to talk about my anger. Talk about me interrupting them. Talk about my son being disrespectful. Talk about my son not wanting to do what they tell him to do and he was the trigger that set her off.

All this crap is nothing but a parent defending their child and I for one don't buy it anymore. Fact is, I'm furious about the whole thing. For me, it's becoming just 1 more check on that list of things that say this marriage sucks and I need to bail now before more damage is done.

Now then. I've been at it for over 6 years. I've seen her parents openly tell me that she's not drunk.

Dealing with direct family is probably one of the hardest things to do. I even learned that it's not exactly a good idea to talk about things with my own parents.

They will always be biased. They have always been biased towards their own child. I am not saying I would be any different and I hope and pray that if my son ends up like my AW, that I have the power to love and let go.
For me, the family bias does not equate to clarity. It's confusion and opinionated and it gets me no closer to working on my next best step.

I wish you the best man. Keep posting and reading.

ladyscribbler

My ex's parents were pretty much the last people to admit that he has a problem. They unfortunately had to have a horrifying experience where he punched his mother and threatened to kill his father before they understood how bad he is.
I would not have wished that on them, but that was what it finally took. Even so they are still wanting to blame his issues on the woman he has been seeing. Today his mom told me that if it wasn't for the new gf, that she thought she would probably still be able to "control" her son's behavior.
Sigh. I refrained from mentioning Alanon.

Shellcrusher

Same here. I have almost a why bother attitude. Would that be codie of me to try and fix the parents?

ladyscribbler

I should confess that I have mentioned Alanon to them before, sent literature, etc. His dad has been sober in AA for nearly 30 years, so it's not totally out of left field for them to go to a meeting. You'd think being punched by your drunken son would be some sort of bottom, but apparently not.
I did tell his mom that she didn't have to let him in the door just because he showed up, or answer the phone every time he drunk dialed.
Codies seek recovery when they're ready, same as the alcoholics. It's frustrating when their lack of recovery impinges on my serenity, but it's one more area where I'm powerless.

NWGRITS

$400 is not CVS makeup. That's hitting the MAC store in the mall and getting one of everything. Good on you for trusting your instincts. That is huge for a codie in recovery. (((Hugs)))

Hawkeye13

I would share some of those bank statements with the family if it's bothering you.

I think you are very smart to not get back into the situation.

So, what is the next step for you if she continues to deny the problem?
Be proactive if you can.

Hockeyerik

My next steps are.... continue living my life as my own. Going to al-anon, want to find an addiction counselor to talk with. Since I have left I haven't really missed her, that feeling still persists and I have gained some clarity about why I was so miserable in the marriage. She has an extremely controlling personality. I didn't realize how much under her control I was. That's what scares me the most about any reconciliation with her. If we were dating and not married I would not continue this relationship. I'm still sorting through all of those feelings.
As for the bank statements, the night I left I told the in laws about the money spent. They responded with " wow that's a lot of money on cheap booze" now they have flipped and say "well she shops there". So they have been convinced by her that everything is good. My feeling is they need to get burned by it personally to learn. I told them and they know, their response is their response. I feel good about myself for telling them.

dandylion

Sounds like you are getting your sea legs, Hockeyeric!!

Shellcrusher

Hi,
I don't know if you have kids with her. Least I didn't read that anywhere.

I remember at point in my early marriage where the flags were already waving. Now that I look back...

I remember talking to my parents and they were very concerned. I remember them telling me to tread carefully and whatever happens, don't get her pregnant.
Well, we had a baby. I was nervous to be a Dad but I became one.

As of today, my son is my pride and joy.

Here's the conflict.

He's my pride and joy. However, I wish I could go back in time and cancel this marriage. That means, I wouldn't have my son. Of all the things that eat me inside, this is #1 on my list.

The only way I'm dealing with it is as follows:
I made my choices back then. Today I have to make different choices and I can tell you that they are astronomically more challenging than they were before I was a Dad.

Good on you for finding this site early and for going to Al Anon. I went to my first meeting last night and it helped.

Hockeyerik

Shellcrusher-
I'm am sorry for what you are going through, that is tough and I hope you can gain some serenity. We don't have any kids together, she got pregnant but we lost the baby after about two months. I am positive she drank the whole time she just hid it very well. When she was pregnant that is really all that was keeping me engaging in her chaos. It was very hard to imagine leaving and having my kid grow up in a divorce situation. After the baby was lost I couldn't imagine having another pregnancy with this person, she really wanted to but I told her no way unless she gets healthy.
Looking back on my short marriage, and very short dating period I see it as wanting a mulligan. What I am realizing I lost the most was I quit growing as a human. In the last 2 weeks I have grown more as a human than in the last 9 months. I would try and do things and she would judge me for wanting to try new things. I realize now, she has no real interest in growing and having a full life. The only way I was able to gain any of this perspective and growth was to remove myself from the situation because I could not see anything early while in the storm. Leaving for me was never a first choice, but it became my only choice and I am glad I had the strength to do it. Have a great day