allinon

My AH has no idea I attend Al-Anon, no idea that I believe he has a drinking problem. I realize now he is also a verbal abuser and has anger issues. The other night he yelled and screamed at me for no reason in front of our daughter.....a few minutes after he hugged me saying I looked nice in a new dress. I don't even know if he was drinking. But it solidified for me that I need to get out of the house and marriage.

BUT.....

It's going to take a long time for me to get out. I'm not working. I'm on disability and it doesn't pay enough for me to get on my own. I have major health issues so I'm in process of going to new doctors while i'm on his insurance to try other treatments to get well so I could get a job and start supporting myself. This could take months....maybe a year.

I know about detachment and I do practice that by leaving the room when he gets angry, leaving cups or glasses or beer cans in place, going to bed and letting him fall asleep in his drunken state on patio (rather than waking him up like I used to). I usually go to meetings during the day while he's at work, but I know I can go to meetings in the evening when he's choosing to drink after work or on weekends. I realize I need to have a separate life from him to do things for me and I'm working on that.

But how do you plan things? I know the Al-Anon slogan is one day at a time. But we have several weekend trips planned to see our college kids out of town in the fall where drinking is involved. I dread those now. He wants to take a fall beach trip when rates go down, but the thought of being with him alone makes me ill.

The only boundary I've set that he knows about is that I will drive if he's been drinking or when he goes thru the daiquiri shop. (And he even realized that and asked DD to drive on an outing they had the other day. I thought he drove them home while he was drinking but she told me he asked her to drive! So that's good....)

I've been to al-anon meetings since July 5. When would it be appropriate to get a sponsor and "start working the steps"? I'm thinking that would make me stronger in my recovery.

Thanks for reading and for any advice y'all can offer.

hopeful4

First off, good for you for attending Alanon so you have face to face support. Good for you to have the boundary not to let him drive if drinking. Those are very important, don't bend on either one.

There are some things you can do right now. First off, visit an attorney. Most give a free consultation. I did this with several long before I separated from my X. The advise I was given is to form a cash fund in my name only. Remove important papers from our residence and keep them in a safe place, including birth certs for my children, etc. Remove any momentos from the home you cannot live without (photos, keepsakes, etc). Have copies of all keys made and in a safe place for you to access. Remove half of the funds from our joint account, or what is rightly mine and put it into an account only I can access.

Those were some basics. While you are doing this, check out what benefits you may be elligable for at your income level, it may surprise you.

As far as trips, you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go. You also don't have to drink or be around him when he drinks.

It is appropriate whenever you are ready to get a sponsor and work the steps. If you do it right and make that commitment, it would really help you. It will build you up to be able to do anything you need to do, for YOU.

Take good care. Keep posting and update us, we care!!!!

XXX

dandylion

allinon....Very, very frequently there is more help available than one realizes. Most of us tend to think----if I don't already know about it..it doesn't exist.

if you are not in danger...seeing the lawyer is the first important step, I think.

There are a multitude of good websites that spell out, in great detail, how to prepare to leave safely. The domestic violence websites have this.

I don't know the nature of your illness...but most have national organizations that help you in many different kinds of ways and offer support.

Don't let the term "domestic violence" scare you away....they have all the kinds of resources that you will need at their fingertips and will share that information with you.
Actually, you would qualify--just by the verbal abuse.

Become a researcher...look everywhere you can think of for information and possible help.
You will also feel very much more confident by doing so.

Be careful to keep your browser history blocked.
Those websites will tell you how to "keep your tracks covered".

dandylion

Recovering2

You're already on your path to serenity....just keep going. You've gotten good advice from hopeful4 and dandylion, so I won't repeat that. I can tell you that having a Sponsor adds another layer to your own recovery. I don't think there is a right or wrong time to start working the Steps...that's up to each individual person. I did really well my first few months in AlAnon, then felt a little "stuck". Like...what now? I shared that with someone after a meeting, she smiled and said I had gone as far as I could on my own....it was probably time to get a sponsor and work the Steps. She was right. That next step of my journey was important in learning how to move forward with my life.

allinon

Thank you all very much. Lots of good info and advice. Bless you!