Well so much for that.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I m on my cell so I ll keep it short.
a) you are NOT dumb. You are a loving person and you are new on the journey to recovery. It s a process.
b) no I told u so from me either...see a)
c) I relapsed after 5 years of voluntary sobriety. ..he took a forced break in his drinking.
d) Good for u for sticking to your boundary.
e) Keep posting here and maybe check out al anon for f2f support
Hugs
a) you are NOT dumb. You are a loving person and you are new on the journey to recovery. It s a process.
b) no I told u so from me either...see a)
c) I relapsed after 5 years of voluntary sobriety. ..he took a forced break in his drinking.
d) Good for u for sticking to your boundary.
e) Keep posting here and maybe check out al anon for f2f support
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O Jarp, my heart just breaks for you.
No I told you so from me! I gave my X chance after chance. I blindly always thought, "this will be the one, he finally gets it." Nope, he still drinks.
Be proud of keeping your boundary as I know that was hard.
Tight Tight Hugs my friend!
No I told you so from me! I gave my X chance after chance. I blindly always thought, "this will be the one, he finally gets it." Nope, he still drinks.
Be proud of keeping your boundary as I know that was hard.
Tight Tight Hugs my friend!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Jarp, no one here is going to say those awful words -- so please, don't tell YOURSELF any version of them either!!! We are all always doing the best we can with whatever resources we've got, and no one understands that better than everyone on this board.
Sending you HUGE hugs, strength, courage and patience.
Sending you HUGE hugs, strength, courage and patience.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jarp----for non-alcoholics, it is practically impossible to comprehend the power of the addiction. The urge; the compulsion to drink is overwhelming. It is so intense that it blocks out everything else.
It takes a lot for the alcoholic to "fight" the compulsion. It would be similar to--if you were walking in the desert in the blazing sun,,with dehydration coming on...and came upon a stand with iced tea in tall frosted glasses and tinkling ice---just to be told that if you so much as take a sip...you will be thrown from your home;lose your kids;be locked in jail'; lose your job and income; become physically ill; change your personality....etc!
Can you imagine.
As redatlanta pointed out...he only went through a short detox---not real rehab and he doesn't have a strong program of abstainence under his belt. He has nearly zero coping skills. And worse than that---he doesn't realize that he doesn't. They usually think "I can handle this".
The disease is powerful, and it takes a powerful motivation to reach for sobriety. He has to want it m ore than anything else. He just isn't at that point, yet...
It seems to be a long learning curve for the alcoholic...and the loved ones as well.
It is not just a simple matter of logic. Most all relapse...and, more than once. Some do many, many times before considering permanent sobriety.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen alcoholics who went through detox and drank within hours of discharge. The majority also drink within a few days to weeks after rehab, also. (detox and rehab are different, here in the states).
You wanted to give him the chance to return to living with you one more time. At least, now you won't have that "guilt" hanging over you.
jarp, the ball really is in his court, now.
Sadly, you cannot help him with this. The best you can do is to get out of his way.
You can still love him, though. Nobody can stop that. But you may have to do it from a distance.
jarp, I have had to accept that, also.......as the only option left.....
My heart goes out to you, jarp.
We know how you are hurting....please hang, close....we care so much about you....any your husband, too,
dandylion
It takes a lot for the alcoholic to "fight" the compulsion. It would be similar to--if you were walking in the desert in the blazing sun,,with dehydration coming on...and came upon a stand with iced tea in tall frosted glasses and tinkling ice---just to be told that if you so much as take a sip...you will be thrown from your home;lose your kids;be locked in jail'; lose your job and income; become physically ill; change your personality....etc!
Can you imagine.
As redatlanta pointed out...he only went through a short detox---not real rehab and he doesn't have a strong program of abstainence under his belt. He has nearly zero coping skills. And worse than that---he doesn't realize that he doesn't. They usually think "I can handle this".
The disease is powerful, and it takes a powerful motivation to reach for sobriety. He has to want it m ore than anything else. He just isn't at that point, yet...
It seems to be a long learning curve for the alcoholic...and the loved ones as well.
It is not just a simple matter of logic. Most all relapse...and, more than once. Some do many, many times before considering permanent sobriety.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen alcoholics who went through detox and drank within hours of discharge. The majority also drink within a few days to weeks after rehab, also. (detox and rehab are different, here in the states).
You wanted to give him the chance to return to living with you one more time. At least, now you won't have that "guilt" hanging over you.
jarp, the ball really is in his court, now.
Sadly, you cannot help him with this. The best you can do is to get out of his way.
You can still love him, though. Nobody can stop that. But you may have to do it from a distance.
jarp, I have had to accept that, also.......as the only option left.....
My heart goes out to you, jarp.
We know how you are hurting....please hang, close....we care so much about you....any your husband, too,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry. We've all been there. Most all I think - I have anyway.
Sending you many warm thoughts and a peaceful nights sleep.
PS - I'm super impressed with how you have handled it. There is SO MUCH strength and recovery in sticking by that boundary.
Sending you many warm thoughts and a peaceful nights sleep.
PS - I'm super impressed with how you have handled it. There is SO MUCH strength and recovery in sticking by that boundary.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Why did your husband go back to work so soon after detox? Based on your posts it couldn’t have been more than 48 hours, and without getting a solid plan in place for both of you?
When my husband came home for a visit while doing his inpatient around 30 days, he relapsed on a stash he found at home. This is when I started to learn how powerful the physical and mental addiction is. This is part of it, and although it hurts, and your disappointed, it doesn’t mean a lot overall. What he does next will mean the most to his recovery.
I handled it worse than you did, I didn’t understand at the time and I said a whole lot of things I later regretted, my negative reaction made the situation worse. Gigantic ((hugs)) being sent to you.
When my husband came home for a visit while doing his inpatient around 30 days, he relapsed on a stash he found at home. This is when I started to learn how powerful the physical and mental addiction is. This is part of it, and although it hurts, and your disappointed, it doesn’t mean a lot overall. What he does next will mean the most to his recovery.
I handled it worse than you did, I didn’t understand at the time and I said a whole lot of things I later regretted, my negative reaction made the situation worse. Gigantic ((hugs)) being sent to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I won't say I told you so either.
You're not stupid, or foolish, and he's certainly not smarter than you. (Who goes to an establishment serving alcohol 2 days after detox? Duh!)As another poster said, you gave someone you love a second chance. Who wouldn't?
I would have done the same thing. He sounded like he was really ready to change. He sounded like he was so sincere, and he probably really was at the time. It was like music to your ears. The problem is that no matter how sincere he was about wanting to change, alcoholism is a b!tch of a disease to beat, and he wasn't ready to take it on alone. It may take multiple attempts at sobriety for him to really grab on with all he has and make it work.
None of this is your problem, it's his. Your problem is just you.
I feel for you Jarp, I know how gut wrenching it is when they relapse. I know the anger and disbelief. It feels like you've been slugged in the stomach, like the ultimate betrayal.
Stick to your guns on your boundaries, and take good care of YOU. More will be revealed.
You're not stupid, or foolish, and he's certainly not smarter than you. (Who goes to an establishment serving alcohol 2 days after detox? Duh!)As another poster said, you gave someone you love a second chance. Who wouldn't?
I would have done the same thing. He sounded like he was really ready to change. He sounded like he was so sincere, and he probably really was at the time. It was like music to your ears. The problem is that no matter how sincere he was about wanting to change, alcoholism is a b!tch of a disease to beat, and he wasn't ready to take it on alone. It may take multiple attempts at sobriety for him to really grab on with all he has and make it work.
None of this is your problem, it's his. Your problem is just you.
I feel for you Jarp, I know how gut wrenching it is when they relapse. I know the anger and disbelief. It feels like you've been slugged in the stomach, like the ultimate betrayal.
Stick to your guns on your boundaries, and take good care of YOU. More will be revealed.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
My AM fell off the wagon pretty quickly after her first three trips to rehab. I stopped keeping track after that one. My grandmother would throw her heart and soul into each rehab stint, swearing "this was it."
Your AH never even made it to rehab. He only went to detox. It's not surprising in the least that he jumped off head-first. He wasn't really equipped with the skills to deal with his urges. It sucks that they didn't send him from detox straight to rehab. :-/
Your AH never even made it to rehab. He only went to detox. It's not surprising in the least that he jumped off head-first. He wasn't really equipped with the skills to deal with his urges. It sucks that they didn't send him from detox straight to rehab. :-/
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Jarp,
Please go easy on yourself. He's fighting quite a battle, and so are you - there are no absolutes! What you do from here? I say keep doing what you've been doing. We will get stronger, we will take control of ourselves, we will emerge happy, healthy individuals no matter what happens. This part is the pits, and the road is bumpy - just keep driving!
(((hugs)))
Please go easy on yourself. He's fighting quite a battle, and so are you - there are no absolutes! What you do from here? I say keep doing what you've been doing. We will get stronger, we will take control of ourselves, we will emerge happy, healthy individuals no matter what happens. This part is the pits, and the road is bumpy - just keep driving!
(((hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Don't beat yourself up. I let my exah come back 4 times. On all 4 occasions he was drinking as soon as he got back in the house. It took him dying twice cos of a drink related illness for me to say enough was enough.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh jarp....dangit. no told ya so's here either...he just followed the damn addict playbook to a T. he was GIVEN the opportunity to do the next right thing, clean himself up, and change his life. in fact, he still HAS that opportunity, but maybe that isn't something you have to be so directly involved with now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by jarp 
Thanks everyone. He turned up at the door, I sent him on his way, calmly. He went on his way, crying
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