I just got told I was using his drinking as an "easy out"
 

I'm so flipping mad right now.

I have a FB group of women that I belong to and have known some of them for 11 yrs from when I was pregnant with my oldest.

One person was checking in on me and so I gave an update saying we had fun on vacation yet I felt I was checked out already.

One of the women messaged me and said that he didn't seem to really fall off the wagon and I was using his "few drinks" as an "easy out". And that it's "normal" for alcoholics to drink to see if they're normal (his excuse for drinking again).
She also told me I was probably depressed and taking my anger and sadness out on him.

Seriously?

So what if he had shot up 4 times or cheated on me 4 times? (he supposedly only had 4 drinks). What number makes it "ok" to give the green light for me to leave? The next time he drinks? After 5 slips? 10? :c004:

I messaged her back and told her that unless she has been affected by an alcoholic she has no idea what's it's like. I was nice as pie but wanted to tell her to screw.

yensid, you're right that "regular people" don't get it. You might want to start reserving talk about your A for Alanon and here, otherwise you're going to find that people make the type of remarks you've gotten on FB. It seems to me, from what I read here and also from what I hear from family/friends, that FB is a source of so much drama, upset, anger and confusion for so many.

I don't know how close you really are w/these women, even if you've known them for 11 years, but if there's any need to talk about the situation at all, maybe just focus on yourself and your own growth and learning. It's not really their business, and as you've seen, at least some will not understand anyway.

She may have her own issues w/alcohol or an A herself, too, hence her response to you.

Sorry that happened.

I guess I'm learning things the hard way.

She ended up apologizing when I gave her a little more information.

Holy cow, haven't we all, yensid, haven't we all...!

Glad you got things cleared up w/the FB gal.

Yup, people who have never been through addiction have NO IDEA. Glad she said she was sorry. I want to validate how you feel, you have a right to treat 4 drinks as a relapse.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

There's no magic number to leave. A normie would call it quits once a pattern of douchebag alcoholic behavior was established. Going by that standard you could have left a long time ago. Considering we''re codies and not normies, we look for that neon sign telling us we have permission to leave. The only permission you need is your own.

Thank you all! <3

I love what NWGRITS said!

Yensid - I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I had to deal with something similar from my neighbor, who said that it would be okay if ABF relapsed/slipped/whatever because he's only human.

Yea, sure. Its okay. On the Alcoholic's time. Not ours. I bet you if the roles were reversed your friend would have felt the same that you do now.

That's one thing alcoholics should never try out . . . the clue is in the word alcoholic!!

I guess I'm learning things the hard way.

you mean there's another way????

Way too funny, Anvilhead!!

Friends, co-workers, etc may be well intentioned.....but they don't just get it. They can't get it. No one who hasn't dealt directly with alcoholism in their lives "gets it". I learned the hard way too. At first, I confided in my group of friends. I got 2 extremes...either they tried to rationalize his behavior for me, or they were cut and dry that I should get out now. I wasn't ready at that time, so it was hard to face people who thought I was stupid for staying.

That's the gift of AlAnon and this forum. People in AlAnon, and those of us on here...we get it. The individual stories may differ, but there is a common thread that runs through them all. I learned to vent at AlAnon and here, and keep it out of my friend relationships.

keep coming back .....it HURTS then is works!

This right here, is great!

That sucks, yensid.
In my case, I get my AW's enabling mother talking out her starfish, defending her daughter and calling me the bad guy. As if I caused this. As if my 5 year old son caused this. In my own house! Grrrrrr!

All I can tell you is this: If you're waiting for other people to give you permission to leave, you won't ever leave.

I didn't know how many friends AXH had until I left him. My GOD he must have dug through address books 30 years down in the geology judging by all the people who contacted me and advised me to go to Al-Anon (thank you, been doing that for four years) and forgive him because God said so and telling me it wasn't really that bad and telling me now that he's sobering up it's your duty to Stand By Your Man.

I never responded to a single one of them because I knew my responses would go straight to my ex. But what I wanted to say was something like, "When you have lived my life for 20 years, and when you determine that you want to take over my life and responsibilities and want to live with this guy for the foreseeable future -- THAT is when I will take your advice into consideration. Until then? You can shove it."

Yep, I was begged by people I'd never met before to give my AM another shot. After she almost caused me to lose my kids to CPS. I told them I wasn't changing my mind, but if they cared so much, they could take over the role of her babysitter. Not a single one had anything to say to me after that, aside from the occasional "You're going to hell." No, I grew up there and I'm never going back.

I really love you guys! I'm so happy to have you here to come to!

I read today that codies overreact, underreact, but rarely act.

I'm searching for the strength to act for the good of me and my kids (I think that was terrible grammar LOL I just can't think right now!)

Good quote! I had not heard this before, thank you!

People who are either unrecovered enablers or addicts of some description themselves will sometimes try to crash our boundaries; a friend of mine posted a warning on FB about a local heroin addict who will come out with a sob story about how she needs to get to her mother's in a nearby town because ... (insert fabrication of your choice here) and can you give her the money for the taxi there. Predictably, when people have offered a lift instead, she's lost interest...

Others responded that giving money to addicts will do them no good, if you want to help the homeless - donate to the organisations which help them etc etc - until a very angry person intervened saying that nobody had shown any compassion to this poor addict - who really needed money when she was in a state like that, and that we were ignorant bigots, middle-class apologists and racists (despite the fact that race had not featured in the discussion at all).

I stopped following the discussion at that point...

And this is one of the reasons why I have cut so many people out of my life.
They don't understand because they don't have to. They are not in our shoes.

Take care.