Things the A does that put you on the defensive.

Old 07-28-2014, 08:12 PM
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Things the A does that put you on the defensive.

I notice things now that I have been away from axbf that used to make me react or feel bad. He still does these things when see him but it doesn't bother me anymore. One thing that always bothered me were his irritable responses to questions I had.."what??!!" He would say with a mean expression. Now I just know that's who he is. I don't take it personal. But I used to. What things do you notice about your A that cause you to step back or react?
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Old 07-28-2014, 08:20 PM
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What used to set me to react that I don't react to anymore was the threat of leaving. "I am going to leave you and never come back then what are you going to do?" I used to beg him not to, and now I just say ok and he always follows it up with "did you hear what I said?" Yes "I wasn't joking" to which my reply is "I know I can see in your face and by your tone you aren't joking" then I leave the room. He never knows how to respond after that.
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:00 PM
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Combakkid, my first husband used to say that to me all the time. He wasn't an alcoholic but mentally abusive. I'm not in a relationship now and haven't been for a year. Enjoying the solitude and not dealing with that mental bs. I'm afraid to even be in a relationship now because my past two were so mentally draining. Thanks for your post and I'm glad you aren't buying into the empty threats. I used to say don't let the door hit you in the a $$ on your way out!
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:01 PM
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Unfair fighting--"You always--" "You never--" "If your friends knew you like I do they wouldn't like you". It just leads to a total communication breakdown. Not that they notice.
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:08 PM
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Another thing axbf always did was shake his head and look at me like I was nuts. He always had this underlying agitation going on. I used to think it was me making him agitated but I think it was his permanent state of mind. He had two moods ...agitated or passed out. Maybe an hour of somewhat normal behavior. After the third beer and before the 8th maybe?
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:12 PM
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Omg, turning the argument around on me. I hate that. Or introduced irrelevant arguments that were squashed already. But, like the others, threatening divorce. He uses my fear of him abandoning me against me every chance he gets. It still hurts me to this day. oh well, if he divorces me he divorces me. What can ya do? Lol

Great thread BTW.
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:16 PM
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It's strange how they can be so out of it yet still be so in tune to our weaknesses and play on every single one!
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:16 PM
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He likes to call me psychopath/sociopath etc, tell me I'm a liar, threaten to leave constantly...man, I would literally grab onto his ankles and let him drag me through the hall crying "Don't leave me!". It's funny now...I don't know why. I guess as it's so frequent? The high level of drama! Literally, I'd be eating ice cream and watching a movie and petting the cat and he'd say "YOU PSYCHOPATH!"...what?!? ...certainly makes my friends laugh! We do reenactments.
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Old 07-28-2014, 09:22 PM
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Bbtaco, I think they transfer their insecurities on to us to make themselves feel better. Lol on the reenactments! We have to laugh at the craziness of it all sometimes!
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Old 07-29-2014, 04:03 AM
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Oh I can so so so relate to the threats of leaving. What suncather says is so true...how can they be so out it yet so easily work out our vulnerabilities???

Like others I used to beg, literally beg for him to stay, which he would...but made it clear that I was 'lucky' he did.

After 6 months of therapy I changed...and started with the 'off you go then' track. He'd always come back. Then I got to my rick bottom (almost) and wouldn't let him back and he's spent 2 weeks begging to come home.

Go figure...his fear of abondonment is as big as mine!
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Old 07-29-2014, 04:19 AM
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My RAH is a master blame shifter. Been working on that since day 1. It has gotten much better but damn really, I am not the reason you had a nightmare last night lol.
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Old 07-29-2014, 06:45 AM
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I love these threads because they show me that I wasn't crazy and I'm not alone!

Yes to all of this!
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Old 07-29-2014, 07:53 AM
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Yup. They try to make you feel crazy and blame every single thing in life on you, even if you have absolutely nothing to do with it. It's a personality disorder, manipulation, narcissism, all sorts of bad things.

As long as you recognize it for what it is, QUACK, that's the main thing. I simply don't care if my X thinks everything in life is my fault. If he wants to think that it's fine by me. What he thinks about me no longer affects me at all.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:11 AM
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The one that drives me crazy is any time I say anything, he'll reply with "You don't know that." Drives me wild and the one I have the hardest time with. I let him do all the talking now and stay silent and that is how I cope.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:29 AM
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Whenever I come to him with a serious problem with our relationship, or even some reason I'm not happy, he takes the position of "it's not the end of the world," tells me I'm overdramatic or something, and claims that the problem is normal and I just don't have enough relationship experience to know that.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:58 AM
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The no win situations:

Where would you like to go to for dinner?

I always picked the wrong thing, he either just had it, or didn't like the place, or I wasn't telling him what I wanted, that I was trying to think for him.

What movie would you like to go see?

Again, always got that one wrong. I would pick a movie that he would like, got yelled at for picking some thing for him, so I would mention a chick flick, got yelled at for that, because how is he supposed to watch that trash.


I still to this day freak out with those trick questions, even when I know my friends are seriously not trying to "trick" me, I get panic attacks over them.
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:36 AM
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I used to tell my RAH that I was damned if I did, and damned if I don't. Here's an example:

I was away for 5 days and the pool had a yellow algae starting so I asked AH to keep an eye on the pool and to scrub the pool walls every day and to shock the pool if he saw the algae getting worse.

Came home, the pool was green and had yellow algae all over the north facing walls. Anyway, I said nothing. I unpacked and did my own thing and a few hours later I went out and took care of the pool. I wasn't angry, I kind of expected this and I knew it was fixable, despite how awful it looked. I came inside after scrubbing the walls, throwing in shock, and cleaning the skimmers. AH says to our son, "Oh boy! Now, I'm in trouble. She's pissed!" Again, I said nothing.

I pointed out to AH how this felt and how he threw me under the bus to our son, when I was just trying to do what needed to be done. I pointed it out this way: If I had said, "Hey, I asked you to take care of this and you didn't, so do I have to do it now? Then, I am treating you like a child so I'm damned for saying something, right?" "But, now you've proven that I'm damned if I don't say anything at all, too." "Which of those options is a win win for us?"

He had no response. It's stuff like that among other things that really ticks me off. As someone else has mentioned already: how can they know just what buttons to push and do it so well, yet be so sick? LOL, I'm just thankful that I don't need the answer to that question anymore. It is what it is with them, I expect nothing and therefore, it's easier to be at peace.
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