yensid

We fly home from Florida tomorrow morning. It was a wonderful week+ With everyone. I still wouldn't allow any physical contact with my ?R AH. He asked a few times if he could hug me. I reminded him that physical contact was to be made on my terms. It was very awkward.
His sister and I were alone for a moment today and she asked me if I had thought about what's going on and if I felt better about it. I told her that I was trying not to think about it bc I want to have fun but no, I was not feeling better about it.
He went to one meeting while we were here.
My work on me continues when we get home. Back to al-anon. Seeing my therapist this week.
I still feel so lost. Trying not to let the FOG get to me. Trying to do the best thing for me and my kids. I can't tell when he's drinking and when he isn't. That's the scary part.

One day at a time. I struggle with this.

Combakkid

Glad you were able to have fun on your vacation in spite of everything going on. Great job staying strong on your boundaries. All we can do is take things one day at a time and with each day get just a little bit stronger and see things clearer.

honeypig

yensid, I can relate so much to your situation w/not being able to tell whether he's drinking or not. I couldn't tell for sure either, altho I suspected many times (and, shockingly, he lied! Imagine that! And I believed him!)

This was a big issue for me at first--I wasn't sure I could deal with "always wondering." However, as time has gone by, I've come to realize that no, I surely couldn't deal with "always wondering." What I've done regarding that is that I've continued to move my focus to me, making sure that I'm doing things that make me happy, that help me move ahead, that will ensure I'm ready to make it on my own if need be. The latter is not only related to the possibility of relapse, but to the fact that car accidents, illness and other stuff can happen, too.

I have pretty much come to believe that if he would relapse, I would eventually find out. I had my suspicions before, in spite of his denials, and if we went around that track another time, I'd know a LOT more than I did the first time. So rather than wonder on a day-to-day basis, I just try to stay on my side of the street and watch the big picture. Am I perfect at this? In no way!!! But I'll keep posting, reading, going to Alanon and trying to grow and learn. Things keep improving, and to me, that indicates it's working, so I'll press on.