amy55

I also don't ever want you coming here and trying to put on a brave face, if things aren't ok for you. I know I did that. Keep coming back with your true feelings. (I used to lie to my therapist, lol) I understand. I know how hard this is.

It is so hard to give ourselves "closure" after being in limbo.

If you need to rant, rage, cry, whatever it is you need to do, we are here for you.

Butterfly

Thanks Amy. I do deserve better, better than the marriage I had with him better than the husband that he was! I think my way of living became a normality for me and I believed I had to do whatever to keep him at home as I honestly believed I could cope without him. The last 2 occasions he left I like you was a basket case I had a complete breakdown and ended up in hospital and when he then wanted to come back I was so grateful that he wanted to be with me and that he loved me that I was prepared to do anything to make sure he came home, I slowly over time lost who I was and began to forget who I had been.

I do feel lonely and rejected and abandoned but if I am honest he rejected and abandoned me many time before I never felt secure with him. Hawkeye is right if I had a choice now to go back to how things had been when he was at home or continue on with my recovery I wouldn't go back!!

I agree mobile phones are a curse I still sit at times and look at my phone willing it to ring or keep checking just in case I have received a message or missed call from him that I didn't hear! I am slowly beginning to let go of the phone and can now go upstairs without bringing it with me lol.

Dandylion I don't think she will last with another 6 months he's been there nearly 5 now and she wants him out and constantly questions him about the new apartment that he was supposed to move into 2 months ago she doubt it even exists but even I don't think he would go that far and pretend to have gotten a mortgage!!

amy55

I could have written everything that you just wrote. I also ended up in the hospital, it was written that I tried to attempt suicide. I just really wanted to go to sleep that night. I drank 2 bottles of wine and took OTC sleeping pills. I still stayed about another 4 years.

That was when I started to talk to people, but I would get my bouts every now and then that I would isolate myself again.

I don't like talking about that part of my life, but if it will help you, I will.

Butterfly

Thank you. I like you don't like to talk about that time either. I sought help after the last time and it was the first time I opened up and spoke about things. It was this help that ensured I was stronger this time he left!!

amy55

Like you also, I had a choice, 72 hr involuntary commitment, or IOP. I chose the 6 weeks IOP. First time I really started to open up to people.

amy55

It was also the first time that I started to get stronger. Started to talk about the things that I wanted. The more I spoke, the worse, and more stubborn he became.

I still thought I could change him, because I knew I was getting stronger.........

Butterfly

He told me today that he is still in love with me but he doesn't want to keep hurting me he says this has nothing to do with not wanting to be with me but feels he can't because of his drinking as he doesn't know if he wants to give up alcohol or if he can and if he's on his own and can't give up then he's not hurting me any longer. He said when he thinks about being with me he tells himself he can't because of his drinking and I am better off without him so he's not sure if he will ever be able to be with me again!!!!!

I think I should go back to being confused I don't know what end of me is up and I can't stop thinking about him and continue to feel this emptiness and hurt all the time it just won't go away!!!!!!

AnvilheadII

sweetheart, you keep having the exact same conversation over and over and over again. you had it yesterday, and the day before, and for days and days before that. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. he won't commit. he makes sure to throw the L word in there just to keep you on the hook.

you are as confused as you ALLOW yourself to be. he isn't doing it to you. you aren't hearing what you want. as long as you let HIM call the shots, putting both your lives in this weird kind of stasis, you will stay confused. because you are living IN the world of addiction. it's tough enough for the addict, but at least they know the lingo and lay of the land.

let's try to boil this down to brass tacks....HE.LEFT.YOU. not for another woman, not becuase you are impossible to live with, not even so he could go FIND himself. for the lamest excuse ever.....TO DRINK.

you might wanna give this prize of yours another good hard look.

Butterfly

I know but how do you get your head to over ride your heart actually I'm not even sure that exactly right either because when I'm trying to say to myself he can say he loves me and wants to be with me all he wants but what is he actually doing about it .......nothing, I also think about our marriage over the years and all the times he let me down and I know I don't want to go back to that I don't want that life again but then a little voice says yes but he still loves you and wants to be with you he's struggling and just needs time to figure all this out he will get help because he loves me!!!!

I have this constant battle going on with thoughts I'm scared of being on my own and worry that when my kids eventually leave home in a few years I will be on my own in a time in my life where I should be happy, secure and settled. I do try to cut the future tripping out but I feel so lonely and scared and completely lost. I have fleeting moments of feeling I don't know if it's happiness but it's not sadness then the sadness appears again. I don't think I fully understand the hold addiction has over him that would make him walk away from his family or maybe it's that I don't want to accept that's what it is it's easier to accept it's my fault and I did something wrong I wasn't good enough for him because if I was he would still be here! I know that's not the case but the thoughts still make me feel useless. I was at the shop tonight picking a card for a friend and I saw all these cards to my wonderful wife etc and all I could think was he will never send me another card like that and it's my birthday soon and I won't get a card telling me how much he loves me etc. I know sad right!!!

I honestly don't know if I can cope with feeling this way much longer I struggle with putting up a front in work all day and for my kids I want to run away and leave all this behind even for an hour just one hour of not thinking about him and how he has completely devastated me and the kids and these feelings of emptiness!!!!

Butterfly

Sorry I know I keep going over and over the same things and I'm sure it's irritating!!

AnvilheadII

your mind is stuck in what my therapist called Circular Thinking. Ruminating. you keep going over the same track, starting and ending at the same point. him him him him him. have you considered that his "reason" for leaving was really just an excuse to...........leave? that he doesn't WANT to be somebody's husband and all that that role entails? or somebody's daddy and all the responsibility and obligation that goes with it? that he's just a selfish immature punk who has treated you poorly, abysmally, and has a history of letting you down.

and have you further considered that what YOU are feeling is really less about him and more about you? but you keep your focus ON him so you don't have to do the work you need to do???

remember this saying - there are no problems, there is only resistance to the solutions..........

hopeful4

Vent away, that is why we are here! You are struggling because you will not ALLOW YOURSELF to move on. Future tripping is what kept me on the crazy train for a long time.

Butterfly

And that he is using drink as his reasons then he doesn't have to admit that he just doesn't want the responsibility??

ladyscribbler

Not even remotely. You will heal on your timeline, not anyone else's, and I'm glad to be part of a support system like this where so many people are in different stages of healing from the fallout of addiction.
I had a tough time with the idea that my ex chose alcohol over having a family. I just couldn't wrap my mind around how someone could make a choice like that.
Time helped. No contact helped. Alanon helped. Individual therapy helped. SR helped. Good self care helped.
I am in no way completely "over it." I still have moments, especially when my dealings with my ex parallel some trauma from my childhood growing up with an alcoholic father. They are fewer and farther between now, and when they happen, I have done enough work on myself that I can examine them from a new perspective and those moments of pain can become moments of recovery and healing.
Big hugs Butterfly. I'm a huge fan of your new username.

Butterfly

Thanks but I feel I may have been premature in changing it!!!!

ladyscribbler

Who knows? He probably doesn't even know, he's just trying to give an answer, any answer, because he can tell how much you want an answer and some part of him still wants to please you. He is probably also feeling a lot of guilt. I've noticed that when my ex has behaves the worst are times when he is feeling guilty or down on himself. That is a trigger for him to lash out at others and become verbally abusive and start ranting and blame shifting.

Butterfly

I suppose that post has me doubting the issue is alcohol related and I have been making more of an issue with his drinking than it really is and it's more to do with my anxiety and his drinking isn't that bad and it's me

dandylion

Butterfly....all these things that you are feeling and thinking are normal for the grieving process.
People going through grief, for the first time, sometimes fear the grief more than the actual loss, itself. They feel like it will consume them and never end. That somehow, they will fall into some imaginary "black hole". Of course, this is not true. It is uncomfortable but it doesn't kill anyone or cause them to not exist. It is uncomfortable for x amount of time.....and then, the person's own natural ego strength reintegrates the self and "seals" over the painful wound. This is done in increments, of course, and slowly over a period of weeks or months.

It is o.k. to feel the pain...and, to cry...and, admit it. Ruminating o ver the loss is also not uncommon. It will stop, in time. Time. Time.

I know that some professionals who specialize in this area....actually suggest that you schedule a time each day to actually let all the pain come to the surface. Like at 8:00 at night--for example. To sit in a certain place with feet in cold water and sob and cry and say or scream anything that comes to mind. Some people go to the woods or another safe place. But--the principle is the same. People who are anxious to get through the pain are willing to do this.

Of course, one has to come to the point of recognizing that the loss has definitely occured---otherwise, the grieving is interrupted and prolonged.

Butterfly---this is where going no contact could be beneficial for you. Talking to him each day is definitely causing you to stay "stuck". Each conversation is accompanied by a fresh wave of pain for you. He has his drink to console him--HE is not suffering in the raw feelings like YOU are!!!! Think about that......

Butterfly, I strongly encourage you to consider going no contact.
Eventually this pain is going to end for you...but remaining with him and hanging onto false hope means that the pain will go on forever and get CONTINUALLY WORSE. Alcoholism is progressive and he will get worse unless he strives for full sobriety.
He doesn't seem to be anywhere close to this..if he even ever does.

short-term pain for long-term gain. There is no way around the pain except for through it. That is the shortest route to freedom from this millstone around your neck.

sincerely,
dandylion

ladyscribbler

My ex tried to make me feel that way, and it worked for awhile. He was a binge drinker and still had periods of lucidity and semi sobriety. He has progressed now and is very obviously sick.
Even his parents have recognized the problem and started setting boundaries with him, which is a huge deal, they were always in total denial before.
Your ex is still semi functioning, but don't let that make you doubt the truth. Ditto what dandylion and others have said about the no contact. That was extremely helpful for me in achieving detachment and serenity.

hopeful4

My X is also a binge drinker. It did make me doubt his alcoholism until I pulled my head out of the sand. Ultimately, brand it what you want. I was unhappy, walking on eggshells, my kids were upset, it was a bad situation. It does not really matter what was causing it, it was a situation beyond help.