Hockeyerik

To has been a week now of no contact. She called me last night from SD's phone but I was playing hockey so I missed it. She emailed me saying "all I ask is to talk to you, nothing complicated just some help from my friend"

So I am thinking of responding and laying out what I am feeling about my intentions that we should give it time and be separate for awhile and work on ourselves and maybe at some point rediscover each other. I feel like I owe her an explanation of my intentions although I told her over the phone before I blocked her number. I guess it would be like writing a letter to her about my feelings. As she has told my mom she feels like she is in the dark so maybe I can enlighten her on the what I am going through. Talking to her on the phone is pointless as she won't listen to anything I say.
Like I said I am torn. I don't want to play into her controlling hands but also feel she should know what I am going through. Thanks.

Timeiskey

Hockey, I believe last week she had one or two days sober and was contacting your family trying to get in touch with you... it doesn't seem like your request for space is being honored and if you keep the constant contact up, then know that this back and forth will just continue...remember, for her to be healthy, she needs to understand your boundaries...you mentioned before that you wanted to make sure that she could really get healthy before engaging with her again... good luck either way.

I understand the desire to engage. My xBF lives twelve feet from my front door. I have to stop the urge to contact him every day. Thankfully, he is leaving me alone. However, the other night, I was coming out when he was going in (after his late gig and I know he was drinking) and he attempted to engage me with that sweet smile and gentle, happy nature...however, I also know that he has shown me who he really is and so when he turned his head, I simply walked away and did not look back...is it easy? No! Do I w ant him to know how I feel? Absolutely, but when I walked away, I had a thought...if I were to engage with him, it won't remove this feeling that I have because ultimately, what I want is for him to be healthy and for us to be "us" again. That isn't the reality for me right now. So, engaging him would only mean that tomorrow, I would have another event/moment of pain to recount and process...
Good luck again, either way and keep posting. hugs!!!

firebolt

If she won't listen to you on the phone, I doubt a letter will register either IMO.

Just been there before..... trying to rationalize with an active alcoholic is like farting into a fan.

SparkleKitty

You said you've told her where you're coming from. Telling her a different way won't make her ready to hear it.

AnvilheadII

you played this movie already erik. on July 18 you posted:

AW begged and pleaded for me to come home last night. She promised she would go to a meeting tonight but because it's what "I want her to do." When I got there all she wanted to do was argue with me and bargain for "having a glass of wine with dinner" she then started making excuses why she doesn't want to attend a meeting. I have told her it is alcohol or me and it sounds like she is choosing alcohol. Then she got very sweet and said things to me about trying harder in our relationship, no more talk of leaving, and let's be happy.
Long story short I felt very manipulated by what she was doing and saying, it was gross and I realized I don't like this person very much. She was sober as far as I could tell but I had a weird feeling in my gut to say what she wanted to hear because I didnt know what she is capable of while I slept. I left for work this morning and don't plan to go back, she doesn't want change she just doesn't want an empty bed and will say anything to try to get me there.

and she's been blowing up the phones of family members. she KNOW what's going on already. SHE KNOWS. what she wants is a chance to f with your head and get you all upside down in your own thinking.

let it be. nothing has changed in a week. nothing.

Hockeyerik

Thanks guys. I hate that I am going through this but in the end I know it will be right for me. My computer is at her house and I would like it back but she won't let somebody else come get it for me. I guess I don't need my computer that bad. Lol. I know she wants to suck me back in in anyway possible.

ladyscribbler

Lol. Yes it is. My ex still pulls this. He still asks me why I left. It's been 11 months. If I make the mistake of thinking he really wants an answer and try to explain to him for the millionth time that I left because of his drinking, he starts gas lighting me. Last week he told me that I left because I got in a fight with his mom. Farting into a fan indeed.
Save your energy, she doesn't really care what you have to say, she's just looking for a way around your boundaries.

FireSprite

You can say it 100x in a 100 different ways but just changing the method of delivery doesn't change the message at all.

From your posts she has yet to take recovery seriously (still secret drinking, drawing others in to create triangulation/pressure you, balking at meetings/recovery work, rationalizing "just one glass of wine with dinner", etc.).

Buy a new computer, it's way less expensive than the emotional cost of taking steps backward at this point. JMHO.

FireSprite

And our boundaries are only as strong as WE make them. If you knowingly allow a broken boundary, you can't blame her, kwim?

Hockeyerik

Very true Firesprite. Hadn't thought of it like that.

biminiblue

I'd also tell the parents that I didn't want to hear any more details of her calls to them.

If you tell the parents how you want to deal with it, then it becomes their problem to decide whether they are interested in playing with her. The fact that you listen to them relaying just keeps this little square dance going.

That "my friend" thing? Just ugh.

Ursula745

Agree with Bimini. Ugh on the "friend" thing. Manipulative tactics.

honeypig

There's a lot of good advice here, I think, hockeyerik (and a giggle or two, too, regarding the "farting into a fan" image...). I hope you can take it to heart. I can't tell you how many times I fell into the trap of believing that if I only said things a little differently, this time he'd get it and he'd change. It never worked for me, and once I came here, I saw that it pretty much didn't work for anybody.

I'd agree w/the suggestion to insulate yourself from the details of the calls, too, as well as to buy a new computer. You can't save her or her sanity, but you can surely save your own, and both these things would be steps in that direction.

You're doing so well--hold strong!

Hockeyerik

Thanks honeypig. Until somebody mentioned triangulation I hadn't thought of it or realized how covert it is. I know I can't save her and I realize she is seeing how much she can get away with in regards to my boundaries. Her game is control and I don't want to play anymore and she is trying anything to keep her game going.
I am taking it to heart and am not going to say anything to her. Eventually everyone around her, my family included will face reality. I think that's the hardest part is the facing reality, we want to deny and believe the best in people but in truth nothing is different.

Worried0810

I agree with everyone else - you can keep saying the same thing over and over again, but you won't get anything from her. My ex was convinced that I left because there was someone else, even though I repeatedly told him that there wasn't. You can say the same thing in 100 different ways but it won't make a difference. They only hear what they want to hear, and she wants to hear something that doesn't make the split her fault.
The best thing to do is to continue as you are doing - no contact (she will only try to pull you back and it will be the worst thing you can do until she gets help if she even does) and focus on yourself and your recovery. My ex and I split in March but I continued to live at our flat and eventually, we got back together, but nothing changed. The very next day we went to the cinema and he had snuck in a half bottle of whiskey which he drank during the film. You just focus on you, and as hard as it is, leave her to her own devices.
I asked for help yesterday and someone gave me some good advice - you can love from a distance. I do and will always want the best for my ex, but he doesn't feel the same way for me. So now, I have moved out and focused on myself and I am getting better and starting to feel that I deserve more than what he gave me. It is the same for you, you deserve better than what she is giving you but you need time apart from her. Focus on your recovery and if she seeks help, maybe then you can reconcile. But if you got back with her now, nothing would change.
Stay strong my friend!