3 Weeks NC - Withdrawal/Grieving for ABF
 

Hi all, it has been 3 weeks today since my ABF has contacted me. To recap, he was very drunk and upset with me for not being at home (he beat someone up, I went out for a glass of wine to decompress, he stopped by to "surprise me"). I didn't hear from him, then ran into him in the street and he said "Stay the **** away from me". No idea what I did wrong.

I have contacted him, of course, as a co-dependent I have tried every trick to get him to reply ("I'm hurting", "come watch the cat", "do you wanna go to a show", "why didn't you say happy birthday", "do you love me", blah blah etc). I am going to Al-Anon and spending time on here, but I'm really struggling not calling or emailing or texting, and worried about him.

He coughs up blood and sh*ts blood (at least I don't have to constantly clean the bathroom now!). Also he is skinny and has a coke addiction. I know you are supposed to worry about yourself, not the A, but it has been so many years it's hard to not think/obsess about where he is, if he is OK, and why he won't talk to me.

He has disappeared in the past, sometimes for months at a time, but never while we were essentially living together. I am at once tempted to throw his things out, but I don't want to create more drama. I am tired of looking at my phone to see if he texted or called (I DID block him for a day...that was hard).

I guess several things...WHY do they disappear, and what do I do when he comes back (he always does, but I am always more scared that he WON'T)...? And am I enabling his behavior by contacting him? I'm sure that's what he wants anyway...the power/control.

Thanks!

Oh, honey.

So much here in this post.

He sounds very very ill, possibly end stage. You cannot save him. Please get some help for yourself.

BBTaco....I would suggest 2 books for you to read (if you haven't). "Co-dependent No More".....and "From Abandonment to Healing".
I believe that these (classic readings) will be of benefit for you, right now.

If you get the chance....tonight....google Madea--"people are like leaves....
Listen carefully to the words of madea.

dandylion

I doubt he even knows why he does the stuff he does. His addiction is in the driver's seat. He is physically and mentally sick, and you will make yourself sick trying to get in his head. You're more worried about him than he is about himself.
If you want to get off this merry go round and heal yourself, then keep doing good healthy things- Alanon, SR, reading, good self care. Make a list of all the bad stuff and refer to it when you start feeling nostalgic for the "good parts." Maintain the no contact, even when he returns. Can you give his stuff to someone else to give back to him? You deserve better than this.

Thank you Dandylion for the Madea suggestion....

I laughed through tears. The truth hurts..... Tyler Perry is a genius!

https://vimeo.com/18145425

Thanks, all. I am having a hard time I guess because I feel like I've been watching him slowly commit suicide and I really love him so much. We were best friends for a while before we ever dated, and have been through a lot together. How do you not love someone after years? Maybe it's habit?

I have pushed him out of my life before, and he has done the same to me, but there is never closure so we always come back. I'm assuming he is keeping the door open by not contacting me, but it feels like torture.

I come from a broken family (could you guess? I think a lot of us here do!), and he has been like family for me. He's 46 and I do worry that his body just can't take it anymore. His family is all in New Zealand, and they rely on me to tell them where he is when he disappears, I don't even know what to say to them. Thanks everyone.

This may well be true. You cannot save him - he must do this for himself - and you must be prepared for the ugly truth that you may get a call saying he is gone. Vomiting and shitting blood is very serious. He should go to the ER to be honest, and you can't make him that either.

Stay strong, don't blame yourself and post back if we can help.

Yes, true. He is stubborn and won't seek medical help. My birthday was last weekend, and he had asked what I wanted for my present, "For you to go to the doctor!"...but of course, he disappeared before my birthday, so I doubt that happened anyway.

Thanks for the book recommendations, I am reading snippets from the abandonment book online now, it makes sense.

It's hard not to reach out, at least to make sure he's alive, but last time I called, a few weeks back, he sent me to voicemail, and I was so hurt I didn't try to call again. I know the bars where he hangs out, but I don't want to go in and see him or ask the bartender where he is...that's a little too embarrassing for me, as he has in the past told them I'm his wife (why?).

His friends, who are also my friends, say that he did this to a woman he was dating many years ago, totally ignored her and told them to tell her he had "moved back to NZ"...but since I know his family, he's not pulling that card I guess.