she denies alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: batavia,il
Posts: 1
she denies alcoholism
My recently married wife has had emotional issues and has began to get ptsd treatment from therapists. But she has Benn drinking wine every day and she has began drinking at least three glasses per day as early as there o'clock. Crisis began today as she became irate and argumentative. I told her the wine is a problem and had to finally tell her she has alcoholism. She denies, and points the finger at any other issue. How do I get her to accept treatment? She is on large doses of effexor for depression and sometimes takes amex for anxiety. I am loosely aware of her childhood and last marriage so I know she needs the therapy she is starting to get. But she won,t accept that she has alcoholism. Last year she also had to go through chemo and surgery for breast cancer. She has some emotional issues with the whole dreadful experience as well.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi 2mw, you're not going to be able to convince her she's an alcoholic by telling her, and you won't be able to make her stop. It took me years to accept that I was an alcoholic, but that's what it took to realise i had to stop drinking completely.
I'm not sure from your post whether she is in therapy? If her behaviour is becoming a problem for you, you might want to request a couples session where you can get it out in the open, but it might not make her stop.
If she is an alcoholic, moderation of her drinking won't work. Most alcoholics control their addiction by stopping altogether.
I'm not sure from your post whether she is in therapy? If her behaviour is becoming a problem for you, you might want to request a couples session where you can get it out in the open, but it might not make her stop.
If she is an alcoholic, moderation of her drinking won't work. Most alcoholics control their addiction by stopping altogether.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like she has a lot of issues. That stuff is hers to deal with. Sadly she is choosing to deal with it by drinking.
Which leaves the other half of this equation- you. You did not pick this needy, broken, depressed, sick woman out of a hat. There was a specific attraction on your part.
Don't know if you've heard of Alanon. It is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
You cannot fix or save her. Her issues are her own. What you can do is work on the part of you that decided a messed up woman was your ideal life partner and gain some coping skills that do not involve fixing her.
Not to be harsh, but I also used to believe that the alcoholic was the only messed up individual in our relationship. I have spent a lot of time looking at myself to understand why I chose and stayed with an alcoholic partner. Alanon works. Give it a try.
Which leaves the other half of this equation- you. You did not pick this needy, broken, depressed, sick woman out of a hat. There was a specific attraction on your part.
Don't know if you've heard of Alanon. It is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
You cannot fix or save her. Her issues are her own. What you can do is work on the part of you that decided a messed up woman was your ideal life partner and gain some coping skills that do not involve fixing her.
Not to be harsh, but I also used to believe that the alcoholic was the only messed up individual in our relationship. I have spent a lot of time looking at myself to understand why I chose and stayed with an alcoholic partner. Alanon works. Give it a try.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Sounds like she has a lot of issues. That stuff is hers to deal with. Sadly she is choosing to deal with it by drinking.
Which leaves the other half of this equation- you. You did not pick this needy, broken, depressed, sick woman out of a hat. There was a specific attraction on your part.
Don't know if you've heard of Alanon. It is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
You cannot fix or save her. Her issues are her own. What you can do is work on the part of you that decided a messed up woman was your ideal life partner and gain some coping skills that do not involve fixing her.
Not to be harsh, but I also used to believe that the alcoholic was the only messed up individual in our relationship. I have spent a lot of time looking at myself to understand why I chose and stayed with an alcoholic partner. Alanon works. Give it a try.
Which leaves the other half of this equation- you. You did not pick this needy, broken, depressed, sick woman out of a hat. There was a specific attraction on your part.
Don't know if you've heard of Alanon. It is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
You cannot fix or save her. Her issues are her own. What you can do is work on the part of you that decided a messed up woman was your ideal life partner and gain some coping skills that do not involve fixing her.
Not to be harsh, but I also used to believe that the alcoholic was the only messed up individual in our relationship. I have spent a lot of time looking at myself to understand why I chose and stayed with an alcoholic partner. Alanon works. Give it a try.
I'm just going to second what ladyscribbler wrote. I'm sorry you've had need to find us, but I'm glad you're here. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Two Much,
Welcome to SR. Your wife has been thru a lot just with the cancer diagnosis and treatment. I truly hope she finds some relief with therapy. It seems so easy to point out someone's issue and think they can just figure it out and get a handle on it or just stop. I wish!
I looked up your town and I would think you can find a Celebrate Recovery or Al Anon program for you since you aren't too far from Chicago. Perhaps you could try help for you? It seems 'wrong' to take the focus away from the 'real' problem I am sure, but working on you never hurts and it takes some pressure off your relationship.
Welcome to SR. Your wife has been thru a lot just with the cancer diagnosis and treatment. I truly hope she finds some relief with therapy. It seems so easy to point out someone's issue and think they can just figure it out and get a handle on it or just stop. I wish!
I looked up your town and I would think you can find a Celebrate Recovery or Al Anon program for you since you aren't too far from Chicago. Perhaps you could try help for you? It seems 'wrong' to take the focus away from the 'real' problem I am sure, but working on you never hurts and it takes some pressure off your relationship.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"How do I get her to accept treatment?'
reminds me of the time when my son was about 5 and his mom had a talk with me abuot how my drinkin was effecting my relationship with him. I agreed with what she was sayin,just to please her, then when she was done said,'im headin up to the store for a 12 pack. need anything?"
no amount of talking would get me out of denial that alcohol was a problem. it was a choice I had to make on my own.
reminds me of the time when my son was about 5 and his mom had a talk with me abuot how my drinkin was effecting my relationship with him. I agreed with what she was sayin,just to please her, then when she was done said,'im headin up to the store for a 12 pack. need anything?"
no amount of talking would get me out of denial that alcohol was a problem. it was a choice I had to make on my own.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
She might not be an alcoholic. She might be just a person that drinks heavily. There are lots of folks that drink at least "three glasses of wine per day.............as early as three o'clock" that are not alcoholic. I am not saying she is not one, just that she might only be a heavy drinker. Quitting drinking is a personal decision. A person that does not want to quit drinking will not.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am going to caution you. The medications she is taking I don't believe should be mixed with alcohol. That can be very dangerous. You have gotten good advise above. I agree Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would give you face to face support.
Glad you are here!
Glad you are here!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Ummm are you sure you aren't my hubbie? I'm the AW (I like to joke with hubbie that AW=awful wife or alcoholic wife depending on the circumstances). I share a number of issues with your wife so I actually think I "get" where she's coming from. You've already been given great advice. First my advice for YOU to add to the chorus to other responses and then my own experiences to follow. #1 like everyone else has said she's not going to see it/admit booze is a problem until/unless she is ready. You can't do ANYTHING about that unfortunately. You can do some serious self searching though and begin to set your own boundaries as what is acceptable/not acceptable in your home and then let her know these and what the consequences will be. Funny while I'm struggling with AA for myself (and I've admitted I have a problem) and am looking at SMART and other programs I LOVE Al Anon because hubbie has gone and is like a new husband. Please consider going to Al Anon and giving those meetings a try. Their focus is helping you let go of the focus on your partner and her problems and focus on YOU. I think that the concept of admitting you have no control over your partners alcohol issues is great. Consider it anyhooo. Al Anon is the best thing that has ever happened to my marriage IMHO.
Now a little glimpse if you're so inclined to the perspective from "the other side of the fence" from someone who shares many of your wife's issues. In full disclosure here, I am counting hours at the moment until a doctors appointment to find out test results to see if I've had a recurrence of cancer, a drinking trigger for me, so writing this stuff is therapy for ME (sorry!). I share depression, some trauma from 10+ years ago that results in some PTSD esque reactions, and cancer in common with your wife. Alcohol along the line for me became a coping mechanism when therapy, all the antidepressants in the world, weren't working fast enough for my liking. So I medicated the crap out of the feelings and you drink long enough and you're going to build up a giant tolerance for the stuff which I did. Hubbie felt booze was a problem long before I was ever admitting it to myself, after all I wasn't hurting anyone was I? Well eventually it caught up with me, as it will your wife in time likely. For me it took an incident where I could no longer deny it was a problem and many people were affected by it. At that point I promptly got help and so far (knock on wood) I've been sober (six months is right around the corner). Consequences for me are losing my family and for me no amount of booze is worth that. Will that happen for your wife? I don't know. That was my experience.
The word "alcoholic" from my side of the fence is a very loaded word and its HARD to accept. For me at times I still have to dig deep in myself and and say "was I using booze to self medicate?"=yes. "Did I have to drink more and more to get the same effects?"=yes. "Did I have to hide booze because I was drinking so much of the dang stuff to be socially acceptable?"=yes. "Did my drinking ultimately cause harm to my marriage and family?"=yes. "Therefore in the end am I an alcoholic or do I have a problem with excessive dependence on that substance that is causing harm and could cause me to lose all that I love?"=yes. So alcohol dependent or alcoholic it all turns into the same thing.
For your wife the fear of a cancer recurrence is likely very high (it is me anyhow). The trauma and drama of going through treatments, the fear of potential death is likely there. Unfortunately all that stuff is all out of your hands though. Numbing those fears is only temporary and causes a heck of a lot of collateral damage but again, unless/until she sees that you're in a tough spot. I have to consciously choose better ways of coping.
Be a support for your wife. If booze in your home is unacceptable tell her what your boundaries are and stick with them. If you and your marriage are more important than self medicating then she'll agree to them. If not you know where you stand however difficult. Get support for YOURSELF though. We crazy people are hard to be married to and I'm grateful to my hubbie (schnappi who will likely chime in later on this thread) to sticking with me BUT... Regardless of what and why we are medicating and all of our reasons for drinking YOU also matter. YOU have rights too. You deserve a sane household even as she confronts and works through her internal struggles.
Sorry I've been rambling here, writing all this stuff is therapeutic for me, and I hope between all my gibberish you get something from my two cents.
Good luck and peace to you and yours:-)
Now a little glimpse if you're so inclined to the perspective from "the other side of the fence" from someone who shares many of your wife's issues. In full disclosure here, I am counting hours at the moment until a doctors appointment to find out test results to see if I've had a recurrence of cancer, a drinking trigger for me, so writing this stuff is therapy for ME (sorry!). I share depression, some trauma from 10+ years ago that results in some PTSD esque reactions, and cancer in common with your wife. Alcohol along the line for me became a coping mechanism when therapy, all the antidepressants in the world, weren't working fast enough for my liking. So I medicated the crap out of the feelings and you drink long enough and you're going to build up a giant tolerance for the stuff which I did. Hubbie felt booze was a problem long before I was ever admitting it to myself, after all I wasn't hurting anyone was I? Well eventually it caught up with me, as it will your wife in time likely. For me it took an incident where I could no longer deny it was a problem and many people were affected by it. At that point I promptly got help and so far (knock on wood) I've been sober (six months is right around the corner). Consequences for me are losing my family and for me no amount of booze is worth that. Will that happen for your wife? I don't know. That was my experience.
The word "alcoholic" from my side of the fence is a very loaded word and its HARD to accept. For me at times I still have to dig deep in myself and and say "was I using booze to self medicate?"=yes. "Did I have to drink more and more to get the same effects?"=yes. "Did I have to hide booze because I was drinking so much of the dang stuff to be socially acceptable?"=yes. "Did my drinking ultimately cause harm to my marriage and family?"=yes. "Therefore in the end am I an alcoholic or do I have a problem with excessive dependence on that substance that is causing harm and could cause me to lose all that I love?"=yes. So alcohol dependent or alcoholic it all turns into the same thing.
For your wife the fear of a cancer recurrence is likely very high (it is me anyhow). The trauma and drama of going through treatments, the fear of potential death is likely there. Unfortunately all that stuff is all out of your hands though. Numbing those fears is only temporary and causes a heck of a lot of collateral damage but again, unless/until she sees that you're in a tough spot. I have to consciously choose better ways of coping.
Be a support for your wife. If booze in your home is unacceptable tell her what your boundaries are and stick with them. If you and your marriage are more important than self medicating then she'll agree to them. If not you know where you stand however difficult. Get support for YOURSELF though. We crazy people are hard to be married to and I'm grateful to my hubbie (schnappi who will likely chime in later on this thread) to sticking with me BUT... Regardless of what and why we are medicating and all of our reasons for drinking YOU also matter. YOU have rights too. You deserve a sane household even as she confronts and works through her internal struggles.
Sorry I've been rambling here, writing all this stuff is therapeutic for me, and I hope between all my gibberish you get something from my two cents.
Good luck and peace to you and yours:-)
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