heartbrokenK

My AH's drinking aside I have found that I get very irritated/angry that he can not even help with the family things. He NEVER goes grocery shopping with me and our 3 kids yet likes to eat. He rarely wants to do family stuff like take the boys swimming-unless he feels like it or it's something fun for him. He NEVER makes sure out bills are paid. We both work. He doesn't help out much around the house. I have refused to do his laundry he is 34! He tells me he will get around to helping clean the house and that rarely happens. I can not leave the kids with him because when I go grocery shopping he will drink. I got in the shower yesterday and he drank! I'm just so frustrated! I feel myself being very angry and snippy with him today I'm trying to hold my tongue but that feels damn near impossible.

Santa

I totally understand how you feel...I carried everything on my shoulders for years. It was a huge source of resentment. On top of the fact that he never helped with cleaning and those type of chores, even though I made most of the money and had a highly stressful job, I let him talk me out of hiring a house cleaner as a waste of money. No problem, I can just do it!

I took our kids to everything myself. That's what finally sent me over the edge. Our daughter became a nationally ranked athlete and he couldn't even bother to come out and watch her compete. Our son wanted to learn to fish, which my AH actually knew how to do, I bought our little boy a fishing set for his birthday, did it ever happen? No. We're divorced....and I am a much happier person.

ladyscribbler

Ugh, I know that feeling. Being the only adult in the house, and once in a blue moon when they do step up to the plate you NEVER hear the end of it.
Oh, he wrote a check to National Fuel, time for a standing ovation.
Look, he did a sinkful of dishes, better start polishing the "big boy" trophy.
I think a lot of us worry about how we'll make it on our own, but I have to say my life is 100% less stressful now that I'm not chasing around a 34 year old man child, cleaning up his messes and listening to him whine about fulfilling the most basic, minimal adult responsibilities. Living with that bred huge resentments in me.
Plus my kids actually help out if I ask them. My oldest even looks for chores to do when he wants spending money.

dandylion

I understand how you feel, heartbroken. It is very hard to deal with a lack of equity in a situation that is supposed to be a partnership. When I was still married to my children's father, with 3 young children, and I was working full time.--this was a great source of frustration for me--and, he wasn't an alcoholic...he was a narcissist. I finally divorced him.
Couldn't live like that any longer.....

I doubt that you can bite your lip forever---without doing emotional and physical damage to yourself. This kind of daily tension can just eat you up.....

dandylion

lizatola

Obviously, this is an issue for many of us, so it's helpful to know that we're not alone. My son is a nationally ranked tennis player (usually gets to top 200 in his age brackets) and we travel around the country for tournaments. My RAH hasn't watched him at a tournament event now for over 4 years, he claimed it was too stressful for him and that he'd probably punch another parent so he bailed on us. Now, it's just my son and I who travel and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think, in situations like this, we have to work on acceptance and on letting go of expectations. I no longer expect my RAH to help out. He has always helped with the laundry and sometimes will do the dishes, but that's where it ends. If I specifically need his help, I will ask, but he doesn't pitch in unless asked directly and unless it's something that fits his time frame. Many times I've asked him to do things and they remained undone and I got resentful. So, now I just don't ask unless I know to make a mental note that I'll probably have to do it myself if he doesn't step up. Or, I just go ahead and schedule a service technician and tell him, "Hey, I have someone coming to fix such and such since it's been broken for 6 months now. Can you let him in when he rings the bell?" This way, he can't argue with me. I just tell him what's going on and I don't say, "I asked you to fix that 4 times in the past few months and you didn't, so now I have to spend the money to get a handyman in here to fix it." This releases me from resentment because I don't have the expectation that he would fix it in the first place.

I was a single parent since day one, I just didn't know it. And, yes, I got VERY resentful but didn't even know it until I started working my Al Anon program. Living with someone who only pitches in when it's convenient for them is not fun. I had to remember that I have choices. I have chosen to stay, therefore I have to accept that this is how it is and this is how he is and it's not about to change any time soon. It can be soul sucking to sit there and wait for someone to 'see' a need that you have or a need that a child has or that something needs to be done around the house, so I stopped waiting and I just did it all myself. It's exhausting, but it was my choice. I still vent about this stuff, at times, but I've found that I'm not resentful about it anymore. It takes time and change and more time, LOL.

heartbrokenK

I am very grateful for you guys it does help me immensely to know I'm not alone!!

ladyscribbler

Thanks lizatola, I had forgotten about the passive aggressive procrastination as well. Promising for months to take care of some certain issue and never doing it. My ex always flew into a rage when I took these matters into my own hands. Right before I left him I went and got a repair done on the car that he had been promising to take care of for six months.
He totally flew off the handle. "Why did you go do that? I said I was going to take care of it."
I didn't have any Alanon under my belt at that point so I went off on him, asked him when exactly he had planned to do it since I was leaving on a 700 mile road trip the next day. Told him that unless he had already scheduled the service appointment for sometime later that day and just neglected to tell me, he'd best just shut his mouth.
He shut it.

dandylion

I love that, ladyscribbler. "shut your mouth"...LOL...I think that is good directive instruction....

dandylion

Santa

I agree, it was my choice too. Traveling around the U.S. with my daughter, watching her compete with her team, the friends she made and the fellowship with the other athlete families - those have been some some of the best times of my life as a parent.

What I realized is that although my daughter was pretty good at stuffing the feelings down, it was actually terribly hurtful to her that her father did not or would not participate in her journey. It was a gaping wound that has yet to heal; she's in her 20s now. While I was being superwoman and we were enjoying our times together, she was still in pain. I'm sure this is not news to anybody

Finally, doing everything myself became a point of pride but it also fed into my need to be the competent one, to show everyone how awesome I am. I became a martyr - pointed out to me by my daughter in fact. Eventually the situation became untenable for that and other reasons.

lizatola

Yes, and acceptance has helped me let go of the martyr role and see that we are just doing the best we can with what we have. That applies to my RAH and to me. My son actually doesn't want his father to come with us to the tournaments anyway because RAH snores and would keep us both up all night in the hotel. And, because RAH tends to be very hard on him after matches.

I'm not sure how he will feel about all this when he's older. For now, I try to keep the lines of communication open.

heartbrokenK

Update- husband did suck it up and go grocery shopping with me. We compromised that he will go with me one weekend a month! Also he did go swimming with us today!