asm505

I recently left my husband. I settled and moved into my new place on July 11th. Our family home was on 10 acres of wooded land and obviously very peaceful. My new townhouse is right by the highway so you can hear the highway noise but honestly, I think that will get easier to deal with. The first week I moved in here, my girls were with their dad. Then they spent one week with me and then he got them last night.

I got a call from him today that my 13 year old said that she didn't want to come back here to my house because his house was her home and while she did mention the traffic noise to me, she didn't seem like she hated it here. My 8 year old said she hasn't been sleeping which from what I see, is not the case at all. She is always asleep within 30 minutes and never even wakes up in the middle of the night.

I am truly heart broken. I then get a text from my husband saying if my 13 year old wanted to live with him, would I let her? I responded by saying that it has only been a week and she needs time to adjust. His response: I agree but it is sad that you are doing this and the 3 of us are suffering.

I love my girls with everything I have and I don't want to hurt them. Why do I feel like such a horrible mother right now when all I want is to be happy.

Yurt

asm505

I certainly sympathize with your situation. I agonized over whether or not I should separate from my AH of 21 years before DD graduated, and ultimately did so when he focused his diatribe on her. I moved out the first of June, and I think DD has spent more time at his house than mine (other than our week long trip to Boston). One of the reasons that I left was to demonstrate to DD that verbal and emotional abuse is unacceptable, and need not be tolerated. Now, AH has cut down his drinking, but I still have concerns for her when she is at his home. She turns 18 in October, and I fear that if I push too hard, she will make the choice of spending all/most of her time with AH, which I feel will be detrimental to her (he cries to her about how he misses me, and that our family needs to get back together). She is very aware that I am finished with the marriage (lots of productive discussions with her), but AH is still struggling with this.

At almost 18 years of age, I think that I need to allow my DD to make her own choices, but obviously, things are much different for a 13 year old. It sounds like your husband is using her to try to manipulate you into coming back home. Although a 10 acre parcel would certainly be peaceful, it can also be isolating. Not a good place for you or your children at the moment. If you have not seen an attorney yet, you might consider doing so, and find out what your rights are concerning custody. Even if you have them for half of the time (don't know about schools and such, so this is speculation), you would be able to model what independence and healthy interactions and relationships look like. I agree that she has not had enough time to get used to the new environment, or even the idea of separate households; and at that age, you may just have to be the parent and tell that this is the way it will be for a while. I wish that I had done this earlier, but all we can do is work with the cards that we are dealt.

BTW; you are NOT a horrible mother. Most of what he says at the moment will be to convince everyone around him that you have made a mistake and that he is in the right. Follow your instincts and protect those that you love.

asm505

We have a formal marriage settlement agreement which states that we each have equal custody of the girls. I can't imagine her making the choice to live with him full time. He did say that he thinks she misses the dogs that are at his house and while I am not trying to bribe them with animals, they have been asking for 2 small dogs for here at the townhouse which I am considering.
My husband definitely had a drinking problem and was emotionally detached and even snippy and cranky but he really didn't physically or emotionally abuse me. He was insecure and for that reason he would be very possessive but never abusive. I just feel frustrated because I won't see them till Wed and I would like to at least be able to talk to her about this.

mfanch

Give time time.

Adjustment is going to take a while and it won't be easy. But it will be worth it.

soberjuly

Well do you have joint legal and physical custody? Joint legal is the norm, but physical can be different.

By the time kids are near HS, they do usually want one main base. They don't want to go back and forth. I'm going to assume they are on summer break. It gets more difficult once the school year starts.

I also think, yes, it's too early to decide what to do.

What is the custody arrangement you want? Is it 50/50 physical custody?

asm505

our MSA states that we have shared legal custody of the children and share physical custody of the children on an equal basis.

dandylion

asm505.....It sounds like the kids are working at "splitting" the adults.

Mine tried it...they all try it (if they can find an opportunity).
Teens are verrrry good at it.

It doesn't work though, if the parents are on the same page.
Kids can "smell" if their parents are confused or uncertain.
If parents are uncertain---kids feel insecure.
They like to know that the parent(s) at the helm of the ship knows what they are doing and that they will be kept safe.
They will complain and test the boundaries---but, the bottom line is that they like to know that they DO have secure boundaries.

If you and your husband get it together (away from the earshot of the kids)...overall, things will go smoother.

Don't let your husband push guilt buttons and don't let the ids do it to you either!!!!!!!!!!!
They will try.....Oh, my heavens...they will try!!

dandylion

soberjuly

Well, I would give it time. They will adjust. Or course they don't want to leave the family home but they aren't. They still have that. My husband and his ex-wife had joint physical custody of their son, and a really weird and complicated visitation calendar, but they wanted it like that. I mean like 2 days here, 3 days there. I think it did stress him out, he never knew where he was going. But I think one week on, one week off, might be fine. By HS, he didn't want to go back and forth so much. He wanted his mom's house as his primary place to live and he sees his dad every weekend.

I have primary physical custody of my 2 older kids and their dad sees them every other weekend. Sometimes he'll tell the kids he's going to get 50/50 physical custody but he gave me sole physical custody 4 years ago and it can only be changed with a change in my circumstances.

He lives in a 1-bedroom apt and he'll say weird things like he'll get a divider and split the room and make 2 bedrooms for the kids (and he'll sleep on the sofa). Well, not only are they a teen and a tween but they are a boy and a girl.

He wanted more custody until he realized his CS amount wouldn't change much. Then he stopped pushing for it. I've offered him more time but he rarely takes it.

Good luck. Divorce is hard! The kids will be okay.

lillamy

I would take every word out of his mouth for what it's worth: NOTHING.

Who knows what he's tried to bribe your daughter with? Who knows if she's even SAID she wants to live with him full time?

Smells like an addict trying to manipulate things to me...

theuncertainty

((((hugs)))) It sounds like it's all fairly new for everyone. Really, at this point (unless the kiddos are back at your place already), all you have is your ex's text. Like Lillamy pointed out: You don't *know* that his text is really what she actually said. It might just be that he's trying to pull your strings.

is BS. This isn't something you just *did.*

The court outlined shared custody. IMO, if you ex wants to change that, he can file the paperwork to try to get the arrangement revised.

asm505

You all are 100% right. He is trying to manipulate things. He is taking everything the kids complain about and magnifying it so they feel insecure about the surroundings at my house. They are adjusting. One day at a time.

Yurt

Yes! My STBXAH does that as well. He told me recently that my DD(17) is having difficulty with our separation. When I asked her about it, she laughed and told me that things were so much better now that there is so much less tension. Her only difficulty is planning for each house. Since that discussion, H and I have set up a more manageable schedule for her. That will help a lot with school starting.

unsureoffuture

Your DD is grieving the change right now and really doesn't know what she wants. She is away from the home and comfort she knows and it will take time to develop a new sense of comfort there. It's just different and she needs time to adjust. I am anxiously and nervously awaiting this same scenario since I am the one leaving our marital home in a few months.

Someone mentioned a great idea of making new traditions in your new home. Maybe you and DD could cook together and eat it on a blanket on the living room floor like a picnic or some other new fun bonding type tradition that only happens at your house. Or maybe pick a room and have her help you paint and decorate it together. Once you make some new memories together, it will feel like home. I always believe home is where your heart is and who you are with, not the surroundings around you. You are a great Mom don't doubt yourself.

hopeful4

I feel for you and for your DD. I have two, ages 8 and 14 (almost 15). While the 8 yr old is handling things pretty well, my older DD is all over the place. I see some manipulation and yet she has reasons to not want to spend time with my X. I think it's just a process that takes a lot of time. While that is soooo frustrating, it is the reality.

Big Hugs! Stay the course and don't fall for any manipulation from anyone!