HeavensLight

Right now I am going through such a horrid state of confusion...I don't even
know who I am any more...Once I was a strong-willed college grad who dreamed of the perfect life--I wanted marriage and children...when I didn't find my prince right away I took it upon myself to buy my own home and move my five year old son (from a previous relationship) into our new abode.

Then he hit me...my prince. When I wasn't even looking...it was as if he fell from the sky and was heaven sent. I knew right away that this was the man that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

At first he wasn't drinking but a couple of beers a day and I thought nothing of it. His parents did not like the fact that we were getting married (I am his third) and fought us every step of the way. They were his excuse for drinking and at times I almost wanted to drink myself because of their inexcusable behavior.

So we were married and our troubles began to manifest on our wedding night. He wanted to have a couple of drinks to celebrate and I ended up spending my wedding night at home on the couch in tears because he lay passed out dead to the world.

Soon I disliked even going out to dinner with him because his drinking bill would total more than our food and sometimes he would even become loud and obnoxious to the point where i would pay the bill and sit out in the car embarrassed and angry until 20 minutes later when he would come out after finishing his last martini.

You see, my husband is disabled therefore I earn a greater percentage of our finances...he resents this fact (I later found out after we were married) and due to his disability he should not drive any type of vehicle ever again. And he is angry every day because he cannot drive and have that independence. So, I bought him a scooter--it is legal and does not require a drivers license.
But not before he took my brand new car and wrecked it twice causing for me to have to come up with $11,000 dollars out of pocket to get it back and to pay for the other damages to the vehicle he hit.

Well, in his first bout of independence he began using the scooter to take off to bars--telling me he was going to AA meetings. Thus began my troubles...he would leave at 7:30pm and never come home until the next day. When he would come home I was a mess, furious, crying, worried, angry, I cannot describe all of the emotions I was feeling.

Soonafter I learned that I was already two months pregnant and we were expecting twins. A few nights after I found out about my pregnancy I was driving along and saw the scooter I had bought him at a bar. I went into the bar and found him with two women drinking. I immediately confronted him and his face went ghostly white. I told the women they could have him that i was fed up--I also told them to guard their finances with their lives because he had driven me to bankruptcy. He followed me home enraged, he wiped out on his scooter and was bleeding (he was driving it drunk) and came at me in anger. So, after that he decided he was going back out again and he stayed out all night again--probably I assume with the two women from the bar.

It went from that to a 22 hour ordeal one night. I received a call at 5:30am to tell me that some guys had stolen the brand new scooter that I had bought him from the bar and they had him in the car and had kidnapped him. I immediately went to the police. They told me first thing in the morning to go to the bank and close out our joint account...too late...when I arrived I was told that our total account had been depleted! Our house payment, car payment, and all other bills--the money was gone. Not only did I not have any money, but i had no husband either. The police informed me not to leave town in case I had to come down and identify my husbands body. So, hours went by, countless numerous long hours and still no husband. Finally after 22 hours my husband called to ask me to come and get him. I was more angry than I had ever been. I screamed at him like I was a mad woman. When I found him he was walking and bedraggled. He got in the car and told me immediately not to start in on him. I was enraged. I drove him to the police station as I wanted to immediately find his kidnappers. He went into the police questioning room and was in there for hours. The officer sent him out and asked me to come in. Immediately the officer said, maam, I am sorry for your ordeal, but we are convinced that your husband wasn't kidnapped--and they threw out the case. They suspected he was on drugs.

Things were incredibly tense for a while weeks and months--recently after his last ordeal he had another one and he returned home the next morning looking haggard and beaten--he saw the enraged look on my face and knew that I had finally had it! He fell at my feet begging me to get him some help. He admitted that all the times he was gone he spent all of our money on alcohol and cocaine/crack cocaine. I was speechless. All this time I just suspected infidelity, but here he was admitting to a whole separate problem--drug use. He asked me to call his parents because they knew how to get him into drug rehab.

This is how I found out that his parents didn't dislike me, they intensely disliked his behavior--they explained how he had drug dealers show up at their home with guns demanding money or they would kill everyone, how he was held down to the pavement during a bad drug deal with a gun to his head crying while on the phone with them begging to send money so he could have his life spared, how many countless times they had bailed him out of jail, and that they had been through 3 drug rehabs with him and he never followed through.

His parents explained that they would have nothing to do with my babies because they were very close with his ex-wife and my husbands and her two children. This all seemed so unfair to me and to my unborn babies that I began to hold deep resentment towards them again.

I acquired divorce papers and told him that I could stand any more of this behavior. He begged and pleaded for one more chance saying that he would get into AA and work this out. Things were going great for a while until he was taken to court by his ex-wife and the judge granted him supervised visitation at his parents home with his two boys. Keep in mind that my husband and his parents do not get along. They use the visitations to pry into our marriage and to start fights between him and I. They yell at him and belittle him in front of his own children constantly reminding him of what a failure he is--and what doesn't help is that his mother is best friends with his ex-wife and that hurts him, because he wanted his parents to get to know his new wife...me. They have no interest in getting to know me--they wanted my husband and his previous wife to stay together...since they didn't they have written me off and the babies too.

So, this brings me up to date with this long story here: my husband no longer disappears for nights on end, however, the nightmare still remains that every time he gets his disability check he somehow finds a way to get that bottle of "feel good". Then troubles start between us and it's become a cycle. He rationalizes by saying, at least I'm drinking at home and not going out all night on you.

I am so disappointed in myself because this is my first bout with alcoholism. The strong women in me knows I should and need to get away from him (but he is in my house and I don't want to have to leave my own home who knows what he will sell to get his next fix) yet, I have to think of my two unborn babies and my five year old son (whom my husband drags into things saying, mommy doesn't want me here anymore--my son cries and begs me not to make my husband leave) and I know this isn't healthy. He promises and promises to change and yet I know when that disablity check comes around once a month that he is guaranteed to relapse. I have filed bankruptcy, I am still trying to catch up on bills (I am so far behind), and I am trying to hold down a job that I love dearly. I'm tired of being superwoman! I still love the man I married but seeing that man has become few and far between anymore. I feel like I am living with a stranger--and I feel like I am a stranger to myself. I have lost my identity, I am constantly distracted, and I feel like I am going crazy.

Last night was his check night. He spent hours in the garage smoking (and I believe getting drunk) when I went out at 3:00am I found him 3 sheets to the wind (he denies this vehemently and says I am crazy) I ran around the garage like a madwomen looking for his bottle but found nothing. His brand new shirt that I bought for him had cigarette burns/holes in it, and he kept going in and out of consciousness. I went into the house and cried myself into oblivion. I woke up to him standing over me telling me I should be afraid of him--be very afraid and not close my eyes. He then proceeded to call his sponsor (who is homosexual--but so what) and tell him he didn't want a "gay" sponsor he said it in worse ways than that and his sponsor hung up on him. He decided to quit AA because it "sucks" as he says and now has no sponsor and no support.

Now I am back to feeling hopeless, but this time pretty much most of the love has been blinded or blocked out that I feel for him. I am fed up and to the point of planning my escape. Has anyone out there been through somethings simialar? Can you relate? Am I crazy? He woke up and insisted and swore on our childrens lives that he never drank--but then added that he must have been in a blackout and had drank, I'm telling you that I smelled it on his breath--he reeked of it and I know I am not crazy, yet he makes me feel like I am totally insane! Can anyone help me with this? Please.....and thank you for putting up with my rambling story.

Teggie

Heavenlight, my prayers are with you in such a horrible difficult time, it's a wonder your still sane enough to write. Addiction is such a horrible thing. And when you have drinking complicated with drug use it's two fold. We can't tell you what to do, everybody has to make their own decisions. You need to focus on you, your son and your unborn babies. That needs to be number one right now. You can't control him, you can't make him stop, there is nothing you can do to make him stop, he has to make that decision on his own. We are powerless over alchohol and drugs. What kind of support system do you have? Family? Good freinds? From some of the things you have said I fear for you and the children's safety. Step back and look at the situation and ask yourself "How important is it?" take your answers and decide if you need to leave, or make him leave or if your going to try to work it out. First of all you and the children's safety comes first. Contact your support people, talk to them, and get to a alanon meeting, you'll be surprised at what you'll find. A seperation now doesn't mean a divorce later, if you chose to go that route, sometimes people don't see things very clearly while they are still in the same house. Please keep yourself and the children safe. My prayers are with you, you've made a good start finding this wonderful forum, it's a start, please hang on. Love Teggie

Nightowl

he is certainly in self destruct mode. I am fairly new on this board and perhaps it is not our place to "tell you waht to do" but I can not imagine living the way you are living. I can not imagine feeling any love for this man. Pity...yes. Love...no. I know I am overstepping my bounds here and this is really not my place to say this but I think you are definitely in danger and so are your children. He has turned into someone else. The man you fell in love with is hidden away somewhere and may never return. He sounds as if he needs to check himself into residential rehab. And stay out of your life for quite some time. Then you can decide in the future where he is with his addiction and whehter there is any hope for your relationship. I can't imagine that staying together is good for you, the children or him. This situation sounds as if it is in major crisis.

Do you attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? Get to one asap if not.