Hockeyerik

Day 5 of no contact although she calls at least 3 members of my family everyday to spin her tales. Tonight I am walking into my al-anon meeting and get a call from my father in law. I let it go to voicemail and his message to me is that he has been taking AW to meetings all week and she has been clean for a week and I should text her and tell her she is doing a good job because that's what she wants. The bank account tells a different story, still going to the same store everyday, sometimes more than once and she has them believing she is doing great. So much so they deposited $1000 dollars into the account. I was shocked.
So now I need to call him tomorrow and come clean with him about the account and her supposed progress. I don't have receipts that shows what she's buying but this pattern has been established over the last 5 months. My gut tells me she's buying alcohol and so far it has been right.
This diseases knows no bounds for its deception and lies, no wonder I have felt insane for the last year. I guess constantly being lied to will do that to you. Thanks for listening.

Taking5

How do you know where she is shopping? Is this a joint account or do you just have her online banking password? Be careful what you disclose to the FIL or anyone else for that matter.

Live

well done on 5 days, each day will grow a bit easier

heartbrokenK

In my experience it is best for me not to disclose my AH using or not with his family. That's his family and him to state. That's not my story to tell.Simply put it doesn't help me or anyone else. Trust your instincts. Have you considered seperating your acct from hers if it's combined? Do YOU want to text her? If the answer is no. Don't. Do you feel you owe the FIL an explanation? Just some food for thought. I currently live with AH and it's so hard at times to put the focus on where it belongs. Me.

CodeJob

If you aren't living with her and are NC, is this a joint account? Perhaps you should split your accounts?

I'm not sure about revealing the truth to FIL either. Perhaps they want her off their responsibility list?

Back slaps hockey dude. You are doing well.

iamthird

I tried telling my side to in laws too and it just became a horrible game of telephone and blame game. No contact for me as well includes internet, shared responsibilities and even people we have in common, etc...All those things cause for messiness and dont allow you to heal.

If you share the account, open your own. If youre looking and its only hers, stop looking. Dont call your inlaws to defend or justify your position because for him to call you and tell you to tell her "good job" is not having your best interest. I am saying these things because I made all of these mistakes. Alcoholism is messy and affects everyone. Please protect yourself during this new no contact period.

ladyscribbler

My ex's parents were not able to take my word for it, re his alcohol issues. Trying to explain it to them just made them angry at me. They had to experience it for themselves before they believed he was out of control. Part of my disease is seeking the approval of others, justifying myself when there is really no need, and I have fallen into that trap many times and basically ended up bashing my head into a brick wall.
Right now the show she is putting on for her family is enough to convince them, but you know the truth. Please do protect yourself financially. She cannot keep up this act forever, and will eventually come unraveled. My ex did. Up until then his family was giving him money "for groceries" and trying to take care of poor, helpless him because I had "abandoned" him. Whatever. They got a big dose of reality. His mom called me bawling and wanted me to comfort her. It was pretty surreal.
Good for you on the no contact, but maybe take a couple more steps back from the situation.

schnappi99

Agree w/ the the others on you having your own bank account in a different bank. I'd add that its probably a good diea to move any bills of yours or that matter to you off any account she can use. Let her get overdrawn and handle it herself.

Pickles104

I heard this expression awhile ago and it was an a-ha moment for me and maybe it will be helpful to you: "What doesn't come out in the wash, comes out in the rinse". So, you don't need to tell her family anything, it will come out.
I agree with all the responses you've received especially with separating bank accounts. You will drive yourself nuts obsessing, checking, analyzing every single move she makes (believe me, I've made this mistake).
Keep the focus on YOU and all the growth you've achieved so far.
Hugs and peace.

Hockeyerik

The bank account is shared but my paycheck goes to my personal account before I would transfer to ours. I know it isn't healthy for me to check but I feel it's the only way to separate what she's telling everybody versus what's really going on. They will figure it out eventually I know, she can't keep this up for too long. I figured it out pretty quick and that's why I'm out. Thanks all.

Hockeyerik

Also all the bills are in her name. I moved into her house and we never got anything in my name. She can pretty well only ruin herself at this point.