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I'm Sayng Goodbye until he can Clean up (LETTER TO BOYFRIEND)



I'm Sayng Goodbye until he can Clean up (LETTER TO BOYFRIEND)

Old 07-16-2004, 10:17 AM
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Location: Minneapolis MN
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Unhappy I'm Sayng Goodbye until he can Clean up (LETTER TO BOYFRIEND)

Here is my letter to him. This is the last one. I cannot say anything else as I have thought long and hard. All your stories have helped me so much!

I have the choice to stay or go. To wait or move on. I see some here do not have that choice.

By the way, I got the job offer today! I'm so very excited and see this as a sign I should only be accepting of good things in my life, things that take positive effort.

mmm, I will miss him so much.

(Insert Name),

This may not come out right but I want to try and say right.

I love you. period.
I have missed you very much. I have weighed many things, thinking
what would I be willing to accept and what would be a dealbreaker. I
cannot be with a man who has a problem with some sort of addiction
that is endangers his life and which he is unwilling to work on. I
cannot wholly give myself and attempt to improve myself while my
counterpart has destructive habits. I am nowhere near perfect. I
accept that about myself. I mess up on a lot of things. I know that.
I also know I have worked too hard in my life to get where I'm at to
not seek the same in a long-term partner. If I were to do that, I
would resent the person, I don't want that. I do not want to remain
friends and see you slowly destroying yourself. I would NEVER want
to hang out with you and see you get very, very, very drunk. I want
you to be my boyfriend, my lover, my confidant, my friend, my
intelligent, sensual and comforting man who can cook his butt off! I
have been reading about alcoholism, everyday we've been apart, trying
to understand better. I've read information and stories on people who
just relapsed, people who have been sober a couple days to 20 years,
men and women who love alcoholics, mothers and fathers anguished over
their children's choices and guys mad at their dad's for drinking.
It's been really helpful. This has helped me to see that tripping out
on you for telling me about Friday lunch was wrong. I'm sorry. You
were sharing and telling me the truth. I was very sick and in
withdrawal so I let my emotions take hold. I know you may get
defensive about this but have you heard of the alternatives to aa? I
read this week about one called smartrecovery
(http://www.smartrecovery.org/) that focuses on empowering the person
to investigate their feelings about a situation and consuming alcohol
rather than how aa seems to focus on god and powerlessness (that is
just my opinion of aa).

If you work on being sober, I want to be with you.
If you will continue drinking, we won't be hanging out.

Lastly, I'm sure you feel bad, I know I have. I think about you all
the time. I look forward to getting home every night to read more
about this disease. Maybe I'm hoping I will find the magic phrase to
snap you out of it. I wish we could be together but I love myself too
much to be with someone who is unwilling to working on a problem that
is affecting their life and health.

Take care,


thanks all,
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Old 07-16-2004, 12:11 PM
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Location: Boston , MA
Posts: 91
That was a very good letter........
I can relate "Maybe I'm hoping I will find the magic phrase to snap you out of it." I just recently realized there is no magic phrase.....I tried it all. Addiction is SO DAMN SAD!
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Old 07-16-2004, 12:37 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Mishawaka, Indiana
Posts: 2
Red face Taking Back Your Life

I don't even know you and I am so proud of you!
Reading your post brought a tear to my eye...I
don't think I could have said it better...In fact, I
wish I could have said it in the way that you did
to my own husband. Your words have given me
the strength, because you are so right! I have
worked too hard in my life to get where I am
today to be with someone who doesn't even care
enough about themselves--and who certainly
cannot care about me...as we all know...we must
love ourselves first. You are an inspiration please
remember that and it sounds like you are doing the
most important thing you can and that is loving
yourself. You sound like a woman who knows what
she wants in life and I hope that this man can
realize this before it is too late! God Bless!
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Old 02-05-2014, 08:21 PM
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Location: Detroit, mi
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Letter to ABF

Thank you. I really needed this. I wish I had your strength
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:42 AM
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You have more strength than I could ever hope for at this point in my life's journey. Thank you for reminding us all that we have a voice, regardless of how quiet it might seem to us. God (or as you see your higher power) bless!

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Old 02-06-2014, 09:41 AM
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If he is like the A I dated (notice past tense) he will probably do 1 of 2 things...
1. He will read it, roll his eyes and throw it away.
2. He won't read it, roll his eyes and throw it away.

How many letters have you sent him? What were the results after you sent them?
Do you really think letters will change his course? They will turn on a light bulb and he will stop drinking? I'm sorry, but they won't.

Their first and only love is alcohol.....everyone and everything is a VERY distant second.
Believe me, I wish it was different-it isn't.

Took me a while to get it through my thick head, that's for sure.
Take care of you, heal yourself, and go to Alanon.

Nothing you will do, say or write will make him stop drinking.
Sad but true........

Last edited by AlcoholicLove; 02-06-2014 at 09:42 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-06-2014, 09:52 AM
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Thank you for sharing Giz - what a great letter!

I have been contemplating writing a letter to my ABF, because discussing things with him gets me nowhere, and he loves to derail the conversation to more trivial issues rather that discuss the big elephant in the room, his drinking. I may plagiarize some parts from you!

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Old 02-06-2014, 09:55 AM
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Hi everyone,

I'm really glad this letter helps, but the OP has not been here in a while. This post was written in 2004.
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