BBTaco

Hi everyone, this is my first first in the forum.

I have been dating the same man (off and on) for about 5 years now, he has been in and out of recovery, rehab, meetings, etc. Last September, after months of not talking, we decided to try yet again. I flew to NYC to be visit him, and we got back together. We decided to put the past behind us and I started looking for work in NYC (I was living in Nashville at the time). Every time we spend time apart, we end up not eating, using drugs, drinking too much and just becoming total zombies as people. We are always so happy to be back together, like little kids, can't stop holding hands and smiling, skipping around, dancing. It's been a manic 5 years to say the least! We certainly are obsessed with the other, which is maybe not the healthiest thing, but we are so much more so unhealthy without each other.

I managed to get an incredible job in NYC and I moved on New Year's Eve, one-way ticket. For the first 5 months, it was all a dream. He would run my bath for me, we'd go on dates, go to the park...normal, healthy couple things! A big change from our crazy past together. It was great! We both were so happy. My family said they had never seen me so happy in my life (I'm 34 FYI).

Then, a month or two ago, he started to get suspicious of me. Where am I? Who am I with? Stuff like that. One day, about 3 weeks ago, he texted me that he had been in a fight. I could tell he was drunk, but he said he was going home and we would talk tomorrow. I decided I wanted to go down the street and get a glass of wine to decompress, because who knew what had happened with him? Halfway into my glass of wine, he texted me "Can I come up?".

I wasn't at home, so I downed the wine and walked outside to where he was. "Of course you weren't at home", he said. Then he walked off. I followed him like the codependent I am, "I just went to get a glass of wine!".
He kept walking toward the train, "Where are you going? Don't you love me?". But nothing. So I went home. I know from our past we can get into screaming matches.

I went to Al-Anon for the first time two nights later. Clearly he had slipped. I went again the next night. I still hadn't heard from him, and it helped me at least stay busy. That next morning, a few weeks ago from today, I was running dropping my laundry off before work, and there, across the street, he was standing, and we stared at each other for a moment as the signal changed. He crossed, I stood stunned. He grabbed my laundry bag, "Is this my stuff? Thanks" then he walked off. It was my dirty laundry, of course, so I told him as much and he handed me the bag and then said, "STAY THE **** AWAY FROM ME".

That was our last interaction. I had a birthday last weekend, we had planned to go away, I heard nothing. I have been trying to stay busy with friends (we share many friends in NYC), and they have also not heard from him. It'll be 3 weeks on Monday since I have heard from him. I would never cheat on him, I love him more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. I emails from him over the years saying, "One day everyone will realize just how much I love you"...well I'm still waiting.

I guess I am just looking for advice, as I have been feeling like I have done something wrong, but I don't think I have, at least not to be punished so harshly as to go from picking out new apartments together one day, and the next day to be told to "**** OFF". The only thing I can think of is that he's back on cocaine and drinking a ton. Yikes.

I had an alcoholic father growing up who abandoned me at a young age, I'm sure that has A LOT to do with my relationships with men as an adult. I have total fear of being abandoned, and it is really taking it all out of me to keep my sh*t together right now, without family and support that I had back home.

So here I am! Thank you for letting me share my story.

ladyscribbler

I also grew up with an alcoholic father, it really skewed my compass for adult relationships. Alanon meetings and individual therapy have been a lifesaver for me. I'm finding out who I am outside of a relationship for the first time in my adult life ( I'm 36).
Sounds like your bf may have some underlying mental health issues or has started using hard drugs (meth?) just based on the outbursts and paranoia you described, and disappearing for 3 weeks probably means a binge/bender of some kind. Maybe take his word for it, stay away from him and start working on you.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. My only advise is to stay away from him. It's quite likely he has relapsed. That means relapse, not slip. He also sounds very unstable. I encourage you to take a true look at what life would be like with this man.

So, you have some options. Save up and move back, or try out living in the big city. It's a big place. Do things you like, make new friends. Just b/c you don't have him in your life does not mean you should not socialize and enjoy your life.

Good Luck and God Bless!

honeypig

BBTaco, although it may not feel like it, I think you may have received a blessing in disguise. Your BF has shown you, in big bright colors, who he is. You'd be wise to believe him, however painful it is, and just let that phase of your life end.

The advice you've received so far seems good to me. It does seem that your options are to find a way to return home and start again there or to find a way to stay in NYC, creating a new world for yourself. Either one could work well; it's up to you to consider which will give you what you want in life now.

I would agree that seeking help at Alanon or ACOA might be very useful. No one grows up around an A unscathed. If you combine SR and Alanon, you may find your way to a much healthier outlook; each has its own strong points. This combo has worked well for me.

I have often heard a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" recommended here. I've not read it myself, but maybe that would help you get started.

In the meanwhile, stay strong--and kudos to you for keeping things together under such stressful conditions in a new city w/little support! You clearly have more strength than you ever knew about, BBTaco.

BBTaco

I totally agree re: mental health issues. I have often wondered about bipolar disorder as a cause of his behavior, exacerbated by the drugs and alcohol, of course. He would never visit a doctor though. I have also wondered about other drugs he could be on, but I'm not familiar enough with those symptoms outside of cocaine abuse I guess.

Trying to work on me now, but I am so sad so it's hard. He was my best friend so there is a lot of separation anxiety, not just losing my lover I guess. PHEW! This is rough. Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it!

BBTaco

Thank you! I'm trying to see it as a blessing but right now it's all I can think about, so it's hard to see where the good is when I have been so hurt. I guess I didn't realize how much an A dad could affect a person, especially a young girl growing up. I will try to stay strong, and at least now I can talk about it, before I would just break down and cry for hours haha...so baby steps...

ladyscribbler

I have to say, outside of the bf drama, I'm reading a lot of good stuff in your post. Dream job in NYC, living independently, ability to adapt to big changes. You have a lot of resilience and strength. It was hard for me to take the steps to end my alcoholic relationship, but once I did I had the freedom to start living for myself, discover what I like, want, need. It's been a wonderful journey. Hugs to you, you've certainly come to the right place to start healing. Have you had the chance to check out the stickies on top of the home page? I pretty much spent the whole summer after I left him just reading and absorbing all that great info.

BBTaco

Yes! I am reading them now. Thank you! Learning a lot. Toxic relationships and everything. It will be interesting to see what it's like to not be constantly attached to my phone (not answering results in a few days of him not talking to me), going out with friends (must stay at home so he knows where I am!), and simple things like not having to wash my hands after I pet my cat and before I touch him...wow! The luxury haha.

As for being strong, thank you! I am really trying. I have been in bad relationships before, I am divorced and have been physically abused by another. All sorts of bad history. This one seems easier in comparison, of course it's hard to see that at the moment.

dandylion

BBTaco.....I'm unclear as to who you feel that you deserted---you say that you deserted everyone for him.
Did you cut connections with family over him.......?


dandylion

BBTaco

Hi Dandylion, thanks for asking. Yes, I stopped talking to my friends back home and never went out with the people I know here as I didn't want him to think I was "up to something" as even missing a text message or phone call would cause him to disappear for days to binge.

I turned my back on friends and family because they told me he would do exactly what he's doing now, and I didn't want to believe them. I am working on talking to friends and family again now, but I have missed a lot apparently in the 7 mos since I got here!

My mother told me if I started seeing him again she wouldn't speak to me, so instead I just didn't tell her. She's not a fan of his, of course, after seeing me in therapy over this. I don't have a relationship with my father, so I guess that doesn't matter so much.

I am working on rebuilding friendships with those I stopped speaking to, but some won't have me back, which is sad, but is my fault.

dandylion

BBTaco...I understand. This is not an uncommon situation. I think that lots of people on this board could identify with you.
Addiction makes a mess of family relations as well as the other damage that it causes in it's wake.
I believe that you will get back with those that love you, though.

Alanon can really help you with this.

So many, here, point to alanon and individual therapy as the combination that helped change their lives.

Please hang around....LOL

dandylion

Yes...I know you were in therapy, before.....

BBTaco

I will definitely hang around!

Like you said, I have done individual therapy, the last time he did this in October. Intensive months of therapy. Then of course, he came back into my life and the therapy stopped. And here I am!

I am trying to not contact him, but I did the other day. Of course no reply. I emailed him that he had really hurt me badly this time. At that point I had taken a knife and cut my leg (embarrassing as I hadn't done that since I was a teen), but I had to try to feel another kind of pain as everything hurt so much. Really ashamed I did that to myself, a real low for me. I will try to find another therapist in NYC.

This forum has definitely helped me today, so thanks for that! I don't even know how I came across this site haha...but so happy I did! And now it's time to go out and socialize and be happy tonight...glad to know when I come home instead of trying to contact him, I can be here. Yay!

dandylion

BBTaco....there is no reason for you to feel shame. There is no shame in hurting.
Please be kind and forgiving with yourself. Step one...LOL.
You are grieving, I suspect. This is only natural--necessary, actually.

You can heal from all of this. You have every reason to look toward a happy life where you can actually thrive!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

BBTaco

How does one even get started with the grieving process? I guess I will look for some stickies about it. I have gone two days without calling or texting, and I guess I know he's getting them and he doesn't reply, but as he's done this so many times to me, I'm not really thinking "he's dead"...more like my worst fears of being abandoned coming to fruition!

I ordered "Women Who Love Too Much" and I make no bones about being totally co-dependent, but maybe it'll help too.

I adopted a cat when he did this to me 4 years ago, I love my cat, but sad I was so down that I needed to get a furry little thing to pull me out of it...he said, "If you got a cat every time I did this, you'd have dozens!"...I guess that sums a lot up ha

dandylion

BBTaco....I mentioned grieving because you talked about being sad and feeling shame or guilt---as if you had done "something wrong".

Grief is actually made up of a mixture of emotions...all of which feel very painful. It usually follows a significant loss of some kind. It is similar to when someone has experienced an actual death.

Perhaps you are not in full-fledged grieving because you have not really accepted that the relationship might be completely over and done.

I really commend you for the reading that you are doing and your willingess to want to face the source of your inner fears. That is a very brave thing to do and is, in my opinion, a healthy sign.

By the way....his reactions to your suffering would make me question whether there is more pathology going on with him than just addiction alone.....
Try googling Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if anything resonates with you.....

dandylion

BBTaco

He's totally a narcissist! I can see that, thanks for suggesting it...he's good looking for sure, fancies himself a ladies man...claims to be way younger than he is (I know his real age at last as of last month, from his sister)...he tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and of course I tell him how handsome he is. Guess I've been feeding the ego, huh?! Not sure how to deal with that type. He has certainly brought my own self-esteem waaaaay down despite telling me nice things.

He's the only man I know who hairsprays his hair BEFORE bed so when he wakes up, it's perfect, gets mad if I tousle it when we're being intimate. Yikes...if that's not narcissism...and he thinks he's famous, always dropping names of celebrities he's out with. I guess I'd been believing him, even though I work in that industry and it didn't match up. Wow. I guess alcohol and cocaine are exacerbating that condition, making him feel even more godlike.

Thanks for your reply, Dandylion! Thanks for letting me ramble on!