marriedadrunk

I was here last year. My husband quit drinking last May. He stopped going to AA a long time ago, but wasn't drinking, that I know of anyway. One day while we were out at lunch, He blindsided me and said that he was going to order a beer. Of course I got upset, but what am I going to do? We are in a restaurant. He said he hadn't had a drop til then. It had been over a year since he quit. I told him it was a slippery slope, he said "it's just a beer". Then he started having a beer from time to time on the weekends, but it wasn't the case a day that he used to put away. Fast forward to last night. He's away on business for 3 weeks and yesterday was his first day out of town. I called him at his hotel and he was plastered drunk. I saw it coming a mile away. I don't know what to do. I don't trust him at all. I'm still digging us out of the financial mess he got is in. I can't do this again & more importantly, I can't do this to my 7 year old daughter. I have given it over a year & now here we are, back at square one. I've been ignoring his texts all day. He acts like nothing happened. Help. I don't know what to do.

hopeful4

Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? I would suggest that first off so you have face to face support for you. I have an 8 yr old daughter, I understand what you are going through. Please put her needs first.

As far as what to do, there is not much you can do except to decide what you can live with and what you cannot. He relapsed, it was coming and you saw it. I personally could not live with the walking on eggshells all the time and the worry that came with knowing there would always be a relapse.

What does HE want to do? How serious is he about wanting to recover, if at all? Does he understand that means abstaining....forever? I would encourage you to also seek out counseling for yourself with a counselor who specializes in addiction. I credit Celebrate Recovery, the fine people here at SR, and counseling for getting me through some of my hardest times.

Good Luck. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here.

XXX

dandylion

marriedadrunk.....I remember that it was a very difficult time, last year for you...with witnessing his withdrawl seizure, and all. You expressed a lot of concern for your daughter at that time and said that if he returned to drinking, again, you would definitely leave.

That, verbally, at least, is a boundary.

Under this circumstance, I suggest that you get the advice of an addictions counselor--one with a background of experience. A recovering alcoholic who is working as a counselor would be a good bet.
Alanon or Celebrate Recovery as support for yourself. This is too difficult to navigate alone.

When a recovering alcoholic falls away from their program--especially early on--it is almost always a foreshadowing of relapse. A program for recovery is very vigorous and requires a lot of committment and focus. It takes top priority in the life of the alcoholic recovering alcoholic.
(just so you know).
I seriously doubt that the restaurant beer was the "first" one......

dandylion

Refiner

Oh marriedadrunk I'm so sorry this has happened to you. TBH... he was most likely drinking in secret the whole time this past year. To so boldly announce he thinks he will order a beer at the restaurant then have a beer here or a beer there was his way of lying to you that he can handle drinking in moderation when he really can't (obviously). There needs to be a boundary line drawn... NOT ONE DRINK and if he can't abide by that, you need to protect yourself and your child. He needs to be commited to a program FOR LIFE. Obviously he hasn't been commited to one and has just been "white knuckling" it or fully drinking in secret this whole time.

marriedadrunk

I don't know what Celebrate Recovery is. I'll look into counseling and al anon too. I've still never gone to it. I'm going to talk to his best friend about it tomorrow too. Apparently he called his friend after he talked to me last night. I want to leave so bad. I want to just pack up my car and my pets and just drive to my mom's but she live 2000 miles away. And it's not like I can just walk away from the company I've worked for for over 10 years either. But I want to just give up. I have no family where I live, my best friend moved away & I feel so alone. I am alone really.

So my husband called me and I decided to answer so he could talk to our daughter and he started apologizing about last night & said that he didn't have much to drink, that it was the muscle relaxer that he had taken for his back & he just forgot he took it. So. Whatever. Total BS story. Which, why does he have muscle relaxers??! Gah!!! He has a bad back, but I really don't buy his bs at all. Anyway, I told him he needs to figure it out because I'm going to go talk to a lawyer and he told me to stop being silly. So i hung up on him. I'm glad he's out of town for three weeks.

I'm just venting here. Thanks for all the advice. I just can't believe this.

notreme

I agree with the others - it's doubtful that was the first beer.

If I've learned anything in all this it's that you can't control his choices. You do have a little time and space right now to work on giving yourself what you need to cope. I would also recommend trying Alanon.

dandylion

married a drunk.....if you really want to get away from him....one option for getting help is to call the local domestic violence center and talk to a counselor.
They have the resources at their fingertips that you might need....like finding housing, childcare, applying for social services and financial help that you would qualify for, legal help and counseling and other support services.
If you don't have friends--these would be the people "on your side"...your peeps.
This is what they are there for. Don't discount asking them for the help that you need.
After reading your past posts...you would qualify. And, also financial abuse is still ABUSE!!

You don't have to leave the area and your job.

You do need lots of support, though...even though you seem resistant to recieving it.

I am trying to tell you that there ARE options for you. You do not have to accept or feel stuck in your situation...because you don't currently "see" any way out!!!!!!!!!!!

Many, here have been in your same shoes. You are not alone.

I hope that you will stick around and let us walk with you.

dandylion

Oh, yes .....alanon for you.

Others who have experienced Celebrate Recovery can describe it better than I can. From what I know, though, I think you would profit from the experience.

marriedadrunk

Thank you so much.

Can I ask another opinion? He told me last year that there was somebody in al anon that I know. That really deterred me from going. When I told my mom recently what he said, she thinks that he was trying to get me not to go & maybe he was just lying.
Anyway, I found one that meets on Saturdays & I'm going to try to go tomorrow.

marriedadrunk

Oh, and I do know what Celebrate Recovery is. They do it at the church at my daughter's school.

dandylion

marriedadrunk.....I am so glad to hear this..I know it is a good move for you.

I suspect that your mother is right. He was probably lying.

dandylion

marriedadrunk

Is that a common lie for them to tell? Anything to keep me out of helping myself? I feel really stupid now.

dandylion

Oh sure....alcoholics will lie about anything to protect themselves and their ability to drink.

"If their lips are moving---they are lying". LOL==that is a common saying.

No reason to feel stupid...none at all!

dandylion

notreme

If there is someone your know at alanon they are not going to say a word. That sounds like a big ole alcoholic crock of crap.

ETA- yeah don't feel stupid. If I told you some of the crap I believed over the years You'd have a good laugh.

marriedadrunk

He told me he couldn't tell me who it was, but I would know somebody. Oh, and don't get me started on all the other lies. The funny thing is that he is always saying that his ex wife is incapable of telling the truth. But then he has the lies roll off his tongue without even batting an eye. I will never understand how he could do this to our family.

queenapple

Married--my RAH of 44 years had a liver transplant due to drinking 7 years ago, never worked a program afterwards, said finding God was all he needed (and we go to a church that reenforces this), had an occasional glass of wine over the next 6 years and then started drinking heavily again around a year ago.

I had NO idea. He did a lot of his drinking when I wasn't around. He got drunk at an important family occasion in May, made an idiot out of himself, said at first it was the first time and just due to the stress of the occasion(yes, there was a lot of stress, but I didn't get drunk and act like an idiot, did I lol). My son who lives with us later told me he'd been drinking for the last year and thought I knew.

I made him move out. I told him it would be for at least a year. It's not easy to leave a 44 year marriage, even a bad marriage, and it wasn't all bad. We have 5 kids and 3 grandchildren. We travel. In some ways the last 7 years have been great. But obviously, it was all a facade.

Go to Alanon or another program and think about whether you want to do this for 44 years.

marriedadrunk

My dad is an alcoholic too. He's been sober for almost 30 years, so I guess I just thought that my husband would be too. Weird how my dad was a drunk and then I married one, even though I was never around my dad or remember him when he was drinking. I was really little when he and my mom divorced and he finally quit drinking when I was about 11. I was oblivious to all of it. It was helpful for him to talk to my husband during all of this. I guess none of it sank in.

And no, I really don't want to do this for the rest of my life. My biggest fear right now is splitting time with my daughter. How do I know he's not drinking if she is with him? I'm so scared. We are having our 10 year wedding anniversary this year and we were planning a trip, but I threw away all the stuff. I'm not going anywhere with him. I don't think we'll make it to 10 years anyway.

Bullfrog

Who the heck cares if he knows someone at Al Anon? A) there is nothing shameful in going and B) the person is in the same boat as you and c) HE has the drinking problem. Most of us go to Al Anon for our alcoholic but end up staying for ourselves.

Ugh. We are only as sick as our secrets.

Missus

This. Why should you worry if you know someone at alanon (assuming he was telling the truth)? Going to alanon is support for you; not going because he is worried someone will find out is his problem, not yours

redatlanta

If your boundary was leaving I suggest you enforce it.

That doesn't mean that YOU have to leave your home. Why don't you ask him to get out. Maybe he will - sometimes they do.

LLLisa

Yes. You did.

Yes. You do.